Help needed! (Trigger warning: family violence)

[bmlaaa]

I need to get help, but I just can't get past the first step. My life feels like it is falling apart, I do not know or like the woman I have become. Would you forgive your husband if he punched you once after you punched him repeatedly? All I ever seem to do is yell and scream at my kids, I hate it and I hate myself. I don't know what to do, my 5 year old daughter's heart is broken as I told my husband to leave today, I don't want to break her heart but what about mine? I feel like I want him to stay as I can't cope with my three children alone, but that isn't healthy or right, I am raising my three beautiful children around anger, resentment and hatrid, and they deserve more then that. Sorry for my rambling, I just have no one to turn to, I am always the one who listens to others, I feel like I always try and be there for others but no one has ever actually been there for me, and I find it so hard to open up about my feelings and what has been happening in my life. Thank you xo

[white knight]

Hi bmlaaa, welcome

Your first step is a visit to your GP for a diagnosis . Explain everything.

Problem solving often needs several answers though. We can support you and give you ideas.

At this time you and your husband need to band together with ultra understanding. This could require a visit to a counsellor. Try Relationships Australia. Give them a call.

Arriving at a point of not being able to cope isn't your fault. We all know the feeling.

To tip the scales a little the other way has a massive benefit to your whole family.

If you have a family member that can mind the kids for a weekend then get away with hubby and dedicate it to reconnecting. Take some relationship books with you, relax and read aloud and write down some notes.

Sometimes jestures can mean a lot. Say if hubby recognized you were exhausted and he made you a drink with a biscuit, that thought could quell your mood.

It isn't about how much your spouse can do for you, its about how much ability your hubby can extract from himself to help you

Tony WK

[Lazykh]

Hi there,

Sorry this is a bit late if you are still around the place...

Without laying any blame anywhere, this looks like a toxic relationship. The relationship is unsatisfying, apparently at both ends, and you are both lashing out and 'becoming people you don't want to be'. With regards to the abuse, try calling 1800RESPECT where you can talk about abuse. There are many factors in abuse beyond who actually does the punching or yelling. It's all very NOT ok and will erode your self and self esteem until you don't even know who you are - so it's a good idea to get it sorted out as soon as you can. Ask yourself why you are actually staying in this relationship. Do you really love him or are you in love with the ideal of who you wish he was or who you think he could be? That is one of the biggest reasons people stay in relationships that are so obviously toxic, or wanting to stay together for the sake of the children? - perhaps you have a different reason/reasons. (on that note children will be more often traumatised from living in an abusive household than due to parents splitting up. Parents staying together but without love models to the child that they should not expect better, which can often lead to relationship problems in adulthood, and also erodes self esteem for the child creating an insecure sense of self that can lead to aggression and borderline personality disorder. Not that these things happen in all cases, but it is something to consider)

Feel free to let us know what your reasons are for staying and maybe we can help you untangle the mess you've ended up in. I feel for you that you have gotten to this point with your relationship, but commend you for your courage to post here. Realising that your behaviour isn't what you think it should be and taking responsibility for it shows that you are committed to doing something about it. I don't know if your husband feels the same and I don't know if there is hope to turn around the relationship - it would certainly require massive changes and a lot of effort, but at the end of the day whether you stay or go, you and your kids deserve better than this.

Please feel welcome to post back any time and I hope you find this.

Lazykh