Ended long-term relationship
For a long time I'd been feeling that we were only together because it had been so long and was more convenient for us to stay together. I never raised this with her because I knew it would really upset her. Also, often when I spoke about how I was feeling, she said that it was silly to feel that way or to think that, so I stopped saying how I felt if I knew her feelings didn't align.
At one point, when I imagined my future, I no longer saw us together but me by myself. There's a drram company I've always wanted to work for in another country, but she didn't like the idea of living there and often said she didn't understand having a "dream company". Finally, I also felt that I had lost part of myself in her. That before we got together, I was a certain person and now that person didn't exist but was just a part of someone else, like my personality was based around being with her.
About two months ago, I was coming out of a bit of a depressive phase and I met a girl through work. We worked together for 3 weeks before she returned home to her country, but we got along really well and I felt something for her. I asked myself why I would feel something for someone else and what that meant about how I felt for my partner, and decided that if it had reached this point, then I would finally say something about how I was feeling, and I ended it. My partner asked me if I would be willing to see a counsellor with her to work through this, which I refused. She then said that she felt that I was feeling these things because of my recent depression. We have since moved apart and don't speak.
It's been a little over a month, and I am feeling that I just threw away 5 years of our lives. I'm appalled at myself for not giving it a chance in counselling, like I gave up. I've been remembering all of the little things about being with her which just makes me feel worse. I don't think I want to get back together, but I just feel so lonely and lost. I also feel like I deserve to feel this way for breaking her heart, or that I'm not allowed to be so upset about it because I was the one who ended it.
I just wanted to get my feelings out somehow. Thanks for reading.
I just want you to know that you've been heard.
It sounds like you just needed to get these feelings off your chest, and I'm glad you've come here to do that.
It is perfectly natural, I think, to feel as you do, even though you were the one to break it off and you don't feel that you want to get back together. 5 years is a long time, that is half a decade, and it's important that you allow yourself the time and space to feel the feelings that arise for you, and be gentle with yourself.
It may take some time to "find yourself" again as well, if you feel you had lost yourself in her. I can relate to that feeling, and it's ok to take your time ... you're also a different person now, 5 years older, and with 5 years of experience within the relationship, you will be different to before you met her - but the same as well.
Just go gently with you.
Welcome to the community here. It is understandable that you are now questioning your actions. Hindsight can be so very confusing and daunting at times.
There were obviously reasons as to why you felt like you needed to end the relationship. It may have been depression distorting your views, thoughts, feelings and ideas.
Have you spoken to your Dr or any one professionally about your depression? Sometimes it is beneficial to have a diagnosis to see if you do actually have depression and how you can help yourself to deal with it.
Is it possible for you to talk to your old girlfriend? Would you consider doing so?
When we join together in a relationship with someone, I am sure we all change to some extent, that is what being together is about. Merging different people to form a relationship.
Becoming infatuated with someone else can happen easily to us all, even to those in the strongest marriages I believe. We are all human after all. Our minds can tell us stories. If we are not happy with our partner for some reason, another person may seem like the perfect person to be with because our minds have told us so!
It may help you to find out if you do have depression, to what extend and how can you help yourself and be helped. If it is depression, than accepting the fact will help you deal with it more easily.
Wishing you all the best. Cheers from Dools
Wow so much of what you said resonated with me. Especially "she said that it was silly to feel that way or to think that, so I stopped saying how I felt if I knew her feelings didn't align." it can really hurt to have your feelings dismissed in this way. This is something my husband of 20yrs did whenever I brought up feelings he didn't understand, and over those years I began to feel my emotions weren't valid because of this. I began to feel as though I was not loved for the real me, I felt unseen I guess. What happened then is I emotionally disengaged so I could protect myself from the hurt of knowing he didn't accept all parts of me. It seems that might have happened to you because you said, "when I imagined my future, I no longer saw us together but me by myself.". I had a similar experience/thought, and it made me feel that my marriage was over from that point on.
I am still with him now but I don't think I will be much longer. If it's the same with you and you feel the damage has already been done and can't be fixed, you did the right thing in being honest and ending it. It is understandable that you'd be all over the place emotionally though. Just because you said the words doesn't mean you also aren't experiencing all the pain anyone has at the ending of a relationship.
Just wanted to post to say I understand and to remind you that you are allowed to feel whatever you feel. I wish you a steady recovery.
Thanks so much for your response. You're totally right about needing time to process and feel it. Between work and moving to a new apartment, I think it's hitting me more now because everything else is slowing down and giving me time to think about it.
Really though, thank you so much. It helps to hear that it's okay to feel like this and to talk about it.
Thanks for your response, Doolhof.
I haven't spoken to a doctor or a professional about how I'm feeling about the breakup, though I have considered it. The last time I spoke to someone, they suggested that I was feeling depressed as a result of being stressed and strung out about other things and gave me some coping techniques, so I've been trying to keep going with those to try and manage it.
GoodWitch, I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way.
It might not be much, but honesty hearing your kind words and that you understand has helped, so I hope that in whatever small way, knowing that I understand where you're coming from as well can help. Thank you, and I wish you all the best.
It is great you have some coping strategies, that will certainly help you to deal with everything.
There may be some moments when you feel like you are going backwards, that is okay, it happens to lots of us. The thing is to realise it is a bit of a set back, but you have the knowledge and ideas on how to get yourself back on track again when you are bale.
My psychologist tried to teach me to accept the bad days as just that, bad days. Wanting to be happy and content all of the time may not be possible, accepting the not so fantastic days and not putting pressure on yourself can help in the long run.
Wishing you all the best!
Cheers from Dools