Emotional abuse and pregnant

[Brendaa]

I have been married for a year now.. seen the red flags but ignored them. Was in love. We got married.i got pregnant immediately and the emotional abuse started from the time we were on honeymoon... He has anger bursts which just come at one little disagreement... Had the baby now,and I don't want him to witness the verbal/emotional abuse I receive every week or 2.. yes I'm very emotional and cry quickly.. yes I'm not a perfect wife,but I always try my best to be.. but this abuse from a loving wife is unjustified.. my partner even says he won't find anyone like me again.. but after so much counselling,nothing's changing much.. my question is- when is the best time to divorce when you have a new born??

[therising]

Hi Brendaa

Congrats on the baby, to begin with. My heart goes out to you so much, given all the challenges you're facing right now. The challenges that come with a newborn can be enormous. As a mum (to 2 kids now in their 20s), I can still remember the newborn stage. The challenges that come with emotional abuse can also be enormous and incredibly challenging. The challenges that come with every other part of life that demands we rise to meet them just adds to the load.

Depending on the type of emotional abuse, I think it's a question of either 'When and how do I need to end this?' or 'When and how do I become a dictator and negotiator?'. With that second one, it's about no longer pleading for someone to stop treating us in mentally and emotionally abusive ways or begging them to stop or crying for them to stop or even wishing they'd stop, it's about dictating they're going to stop (or else). Could sound like 'You're going to grow up, manage your feelings of frustration or feeling ripped off or whatever and get your act together. You're going to manage the anger you feel inside, without venting it at me, or I'm done!'. The negotiation part might sound a little like 'While you're working on it, I'm prepared to accept you leaving the room when you feel the anger within you rising. Eventually, the goal will be to stay in the room and work through what's angering or enraging'. A partner who feels the need or the call to manage differently will seek to manage differently. They might just need the occasional wake up call, to keep them on track when it comes to evolving. Nothing quite like the alarm bells that sound when we say 'I'm done. I'm leaving'. 

As I say, a lot depends on the type of mental and emotional abuse. If we're copping it from a flat out arrogant closed minded self serving partner who insists everything's our fault and there's nothing wrong with them and therefor no need for them to change, they're most likely never going to change while blaming everyone else. Not a person we can spend another week with, let alone the rest of our life. 

[TLL8090]

Hi Brendaa,

Hope you and your baby are keeping well. Sorry to hear what you're experiencing. I'm kind of in a similar situation. My son is almost three months old, and my husband and I are separated after fighting throughout my pregnancy and postnatal period.

I can't say what's the best, there's a lot to weigh up when you have a little baby so young. On one hand I know my husband can be a very good father, I also don't want my son to grow up going between households; on the other hand, the trauma he caused me, and continue to cause me sometimes make spending another day with him unbearable.

Depends on your situation, in my case I'm financially independent, I have my mother with me to help caring for my son, so I've decided to at least separate from him. Maybe he can take the time to reflect and I'll take the time to heal and forgive. Or at least if we get a divorce in the end, it's going to be a thought through decision. 

I hope you're staying strong.