Childhood woundings linger

[jamesssss]

I am a 31 year old male and am depressed, feel alone and dependent on others.

I was raised by a mildly abusive father. I have an older brother and younger sister who have also suffered depression from a fear of our father.

My father is an emotionally distant person who suffers depression himslef. He has always had a leave me alone and mind your own business attitude. He gave up on work, became an alchoholic and would dictate to us how life should be properly lived. He never set an example. In fact he never left the house.

My mum was pretty much a people pleaser who agreed with everyone especially my father.

Growing up, my brother and sister were highly praised for their responsibile natures. My dad was extremely strict on them. He swore and threw things at them and only gave them praise when they listened to his ways lessons on living. Me on the other hand he insulted, told me that im worthless and untrusted. Yep, there was no way in hell I was going to be as good as by brother and sister. The only way I got love from him was by stroking his ego. 

I am sitting here at my parents house as ive recently split up with my wife I was with for 15 years. Her personality was just like my fathers in the sense that she was always right and everyone had to listen to her or she would loose it.

Breaking up with her has made me realise that I am quite the dependent person. What bothers me most is that I always agree with people to avoid dispute with them and the possibilty of them leaving me. Ive studied being assertive and am learning how to set boudaries for myself. But I feel I am naturally attracted to the same self centered people.

I have no friends at the moment as I invested the past 15 years of my life in my wifes friends and interests.

 Ive had several psychology sessions, been on antidepressents.

 I feel really alone and worthless and don't want to lean on anyone close to me as I don't think it will help my situation.

[Doolhof]

Hi James,

I'm sorry to read about the pressure you are under at present.

I'm wondering if the place you are working for is short staffed because people are off on stress leave or are they taking holidays? Maybe it is the same thing.

In one way it is nice the coordinator seemed to understand your situation, I suppose he/she still had to report your mistakes due tot heir position in the company.

It can be hard to find new friends. Even more so when you are working such long hours.

Do you belong to a union or something? Do you have rights as to how long you work? I'm not sure how these things work in different work places.

Please don't give up James. I know that feeling oh too well myself, so please, please keep reaching out for help and understanding as you are here.

Have you ever used the emergency phone help lines? I have and the people on the other end are wonderful, very supportive and it helps me so much.

I would like to encourage you to use these services as well as writing how you are feeling here. Beyond Blue has a number you can phone or use their web chat.

Hopefully some of this has helped and you will find the help you need.

From Mrs. Dools

[jamesssss]

thanks dools 🙂

Yes I have used the help line actually and it is fantastic support. 

I have a huge decision to make this week and I am extremely afraid!

My work have given me a warning about the decline of my work and yes ive told them my situation but I have made alot of mistakes and honestly not lived up to the work standard over the years. They really need me at the moment to train a new starter but im really not sure I can due to my depression. I picture myself making more mistakes and getting fired and am thinking maybe its best I hand in my resignation agree to train the person with the hope of getting a good reference. 

My plan would then be to travel and work overseas. Something ive wanted to do for awhile.

 HOWEVER, I am sooo afraid! I know traveling won't fix my social paranoia. And a huge part of me wants to stay here and reconnect with friends. 

the core of my depression is the reaility that I can't keep friends. For years ive depended on my wife and never taken a risk to make my own friends. I feel im running away from my fear. I am petrified to see my old friends. They contact me every now and again and I have never tried to establish a friendship with them. I struggle to tie my shoe laces up in the morning let alone talk to people. The shame im expericing is beyond painful. My old friends are fightin for me and i feel im not close enough to them to open up.

im even paranoid around my brother at the moment. I have opened up to him sooo much. However I just talk to him about my sorrows then wait and hope he fixes my problems. He is beyond supportive which is greeat. I feel im on this site asking for my problems to be fixed. my problem is that I don't have the balls to fight my fears of seeing my old friends. its something I want to do but just cannot. 

with my current state I feel I will make a fool of myself. 

I want to leave and travel now without trying to reconnect with them but I know it will haunt me that I didn't whilst im overseas. But then again. Thinking maybe I can try when I get back from overseas !?

Im really afraid. Ive ran away from my fears my whole life and feel ill be doing the same. However with me situation at work and with my wife maybe I need to just leave without trying to see my old friends. 

[Doolhof]

Hi James,

It is great you have used the help line. I too have found the people there to be very helpful.

I'm certainly no expert what so ever in any of your issues...I am a fellow suffer of a mental illness so my ideas are just suggestions for you to consider.

Okay, CONQUORING FEARS. Just take one issue at a time. Look up on the internet how to conquer fear and see what you come up. Are there strategies that might work for you?

Your brother is supportive and you have trouble connecting with old friends.

Ask your brother to join you in catching up with just one friend you would really like to see. If that goes okay, then try to organise something similar with two friends.

It sounds easy and maybe it could be that easy for you! Give it a try.

Regarding your work situation, the staff obviously think you have it in you to train a person, other wise they would not have asked you.

Will you be expected to train this person and also do your own work load?

With your ideas to travel overseas, would you do that alone or with another person?

Do you have weekends off? If so, then organise a weekend trip away somewhere and see how you cope with that, that will give you a little indication of how travel may make you feel.

Just a thought, have you ever tried any cognitive therapy? You could probably find ways to do that on the internet as well. How on earth did we manage life before the internet? (We connected with each other one to one!!!!) Anyway that is a whole different story.

Maybe getting away could be just what you need.

Catch up with your friends before you go, tell them you will keep in touch with social media and see them in person when you get back.

Can you take a couple of days off work just to catch your breathe? I know you mentioned they are short of staff but there is no point in breaking yourself for their sake.

Just my thoughts.

Cheers for now from Dools