Boyfriend messaging his ex

[Ash19]

Needing some advice. I've been with my partner for six months. Throughout that time he's sent messages to his ex of ten years through email or text without telling me about it. I've ending up finding out most times accidently or on the odd occasion that he's told me days later. I understand that some people do talk with their exes so all I asked of him after the first time it happened was that if he felt the need to message her could he tell me that he's talking to her. Basically it's happened numerous times since then - probably six or so occasions that I know of and he only admitted to me once out of those six that he had messaged her, the rest I came across by chance. You may think I'm being silly or controlling. But I am just worried because he is being secretive about it and that they were together so long. He's said that he doesn't want to be with her but it's just so confusing. We've spoken about it many times and I've asked him why does he keep it secret when I've said I'm fine with them talking as long as I know but it just keeps going in circles. I ask him to let me know, he says he won't message her, he messages her, I find out afterwards, I ask that he let me know and repeat. It's just upsetting. I've spoken to my older sisters for advice because I thought I was crazy for what I was expecting of him but they have agreed and said they wouldn't like it either. I don't want to keep talking about it anymore with him at this point because it doesn't change anything and just causes a fight. Any advice?

[Doolhof]

Hi Ash,

Welcome to the forum. Can you explain what it is that most upsets you with your boyfriend keeping in touch with his ex. If you are able to identify that, you may be able to work out how you want to deal with it.

Have you been able to read the messages he is sending her?

If he sent the messages while you were present and if he let you read them, would you feel any different?

I guess the point is, are you feeling annoyed, jealous, not in control, furious, jilted, betrayed or something else?

If it continues, how will you feel? Would you give him the ultimatum to stop or you leave? Or he leaves?

Unfortunately we can not make other people stop doing something we don't like. They have to stop because they want to. It is a hard situation to be in.

Hope you can find a way to either resolve or accept this.

All the best from Dools

[Ash19]

I've read the ones I am aware of only because they've been open on his phone, it's come up as a notification or the rare occasion I've looked through his phone (don't try to judge, he does this to my phone more often than I)

I'm just hurt. I don't like that he is keeping their communication secret. If it's all innocent, why can't he just say oh I've been talking to so and so lately. I've told him I don't have a problem with it if he let's me know they've been chatting but he keeps being secretive. I have never asked him to stop, just that he let me know. Although I feel as though I may be getting to that point because it feels like he is betraying my trust. Some messages I've seen, he has been open with her in a way that I struggle to get him to do with me. I try and he makes it difficult to let me in, she doesn't even have to message him to do that, he will just share freely. Today I found a message from when I'd been away for the weekend. As soon as I left he had sent her messages, do you think that is okay Dools? I don't, and it really hurts. In the past when we've spoke about this issue, I turned the tables and asked how he would feel if I communicated with an ex the way he did, would he like it? He agrees that no he wouldn't but yet he continues to do it himself. I don't get it.

[Doolhof]

Hi Ash 19,

This is a tough one. I know I would be upset, well actually I was upset when I found out my husband was still in touch with his ex girlfriend after we were married. That was in the days before mobile phones.

They were actually exchanging letters as well. I found one in his desk drawer when I was looking for spare envelopes. I believe he stopped communicating with her but I am not sure when that happened.

It is understandable that his actions hurt. Maybe you need to sit down with him and tell him how much it does hurt yo and sounds like it may confuse you in some ways as well.

Mobile phones are great...but they can also cause so many issues and hurts if you find stuff that is not intended for you to see.

My husband has fingerprint recognition on his phone, so even if I wanted to check his messages I wouldn't be able to.

Some people do find it easier to do things others don't agree is right, than to be the one having a supposed wrong done to them. Maybe openly express your thoughts on this again in a non threatening way and see what his reactions are.

I do hope you are able to resolve and discuss this.

Cheers from Dools