Anxiety and Depression ruining relationship

[Elise101]

My partner and I have been together for almost 3 years, but around the 2 year mark whilst travelling abroad for a long period of time, i remembered a previous sexual encounter i had with another boy a month before my partner and i got together and felt very upset that i had done that, even though my partner and i weren't dating yet, but had been talking for a while and i really liked him. I then told him about what had happened which he was very understanding about as we weren't yet dating. i got very home sick and anxious and wanted to come home at this point, but also felt like i was withdrawing from my partner because of how i was feeling and started to question if he was the one/if i loved him or if it was just lust. I stuck out the trip but it was very difficult for me, i was so depressed, felt sick to my stomach and just wanted to get away from him even though he was nothing but caring and supportive of the whole situation and tried to understand how i was feeling/how to help. We came home and things were much the same, but eventually got a little bit better as i was surrounded by my family who also gave their support and in a more comfortable environment. But still now (6 months later) these thoughts still pop into my head. Its not everyday but they're there, and sometimes i want to be alone and not be in a relationship but know its only for the reason that if i leave my relationship i won't have these thoughts overwhelming me everyday. I can sometimes be horrible to him and push him away but he just tries to be there. We almost broke up last night because i had an overwhelming day with thoughts and just knew i had to leave to get away from the thoughts, but i stayed because i know that i'm only feeling like this towards him because of my anxiety and depression. We have also been living together at my parents house since being home which might also be effecting us as we have never lived together and are spending more time together than usual. I know that i love him and want to be with him, its just a matter with how to move on from worrying about these thoughts as i keep trying to put the puzzle together as to why i got like that overseas and dwell/get depressed about it all, and then get anxious when i think about us travelling/moving out together in the future. I can't be happy in the present because i'm too busy worrying! Please help.

[kanga_brumby]

Welcome Elise to beyond Blue forums. Ages ago I had a relationship with a woman she wound up cheating on me. All forgiven now but still we split up over that even though. I still had feelings for her and I still do. But I cannot trust her because of trust issues. After that I entered another relationship we had a child and bumped into the other lady, at a shopping center. We all chatted for a while then she went her way and we went ours. I wasn't even tempted to ask her for her phone number. Because I was with the mother of my baby. This could be just a fleeting memory of a great night. I have had a couple of them. But not in ages I now have no one. Working on that. But just treat it as a memory of a good night had in the past. If you must treat it as a great night had. Gone but not forgotten, you cold have a few more within the next few years.

Kanga

[Croix]

Dear Elise101~

Welcome here. You sound in a miserable place and things don't appear as if they are improving.

First off I'd like to say that is very natural to want to back off from something if you think it is the source of unpleasantness and having feelings that you should break from your partner seems logical. I doubt it is the answer though.

As someone with an anxiety condition I often have to try to stop myself doing this sort of thing - avoiding rather than dealing with things, not an easy task as often it's hard to tell what is reasonable, anxiety getting in the way and stopping me from thinking clearly. It gets worse when my stress levels are higher.

You said things went bad while you were away overseas for an extended period. If it was me that would be a strange and stressful time, with none of my usual family support.

Your feelings over your previous encounter may be very mixed, however for it to potentially ruin your present relationship with a loving partner wold be a great shame. Really the problem is to get rid of the thoughts, not the partner.

Do you mind saying if you are under any sort of treatment? Dealing with persistent thoughts is often something one needs professional help with, and can take a little while. I'd suggest you see your GP about this. My apologies if you are already getting help in this manner. If so maybe your regime needs review.

I guess if you look around this forum in the anxiety section you will find many who have faced similar problems and you will be able to see what they have done, and the advice they have received.

You may also wish to read sections of The Facts menu above on anxiety and depression, symptoms, causes and treatments.

We would like it very much if you posted again and talked more, I'm sure things can improve greatly for you (and your partner too)

Croix

[Elise101]

Thank you for your support Croix!

I am currently seeing my gp who has put me on medication however i went off the medication as it was causing me to feel nothing as a lot of them do. I also see a psychologist who hasn't been a huge help so i should consider seeing someone else possibly.

[Croix]

Dear Elise101~

I'm glad you posted again. I think things are going to work out for you in time.

You've a supportive partner plus other family -I found that was gold and helped me though immeasurably. On top of that you have sought medical help. All good.

If it was me I'd not be overly concerned at this stage about either the meds or the psychologist. I spent an awful long times on different medications until one was found that gave me benefit without too many down-sides. Between different sorts and varying dose strengths it takes patience and a little determination - but for most it is well worth it.

I guess with the psychologist once again it has to 'click'. Sometimes this can take a little while until one understands what is being attempted, however it's your call - always.

For me therapy was in part being given a set of tools to practice in my day to day life. I'm pretty reasonable now as a result of all three, meds, medical support and family support.

You've given a pretty clear account of things, how do you feel now?

Croix

[Elise101]

I really hope they do because at the moment i'm feeling really claustrophobic with his presence and am holding on by a thread.

I should look at going on medication again possibly.

Do you have any tools you could share with me at all?

I'm feeling okay, i think its just going to be a long process.

Elise101.

[Croix]

Dear Eloise101~
Holding on - yes I know what you mean, it does get heaps better - well it did for me.

I’ve no remedy for that claustrophobic feeling, as I have it a little now, and a lot in the past. Typically it occurs when I’m absorbed in an anxious state and my partner tries to get me out of it. A long time ago that sent me into a state of anger and resentment, now more feeling inside a loose or gentle frustrating trap.

I’ve learned mostly to ignore this. My love and concern for my partner helps.

For me I don’t believe these feelings are any reflection on my relationship with my partner, I think it is just a reaction to being totally absorbed in unhelpful thoughts and not having enough mental resources to cope with the well-meaning intrusion. The phone ringing would engender much the same feelings.

Tools, yes. Reduction of background stress by lifestyle and avoiding long-term stressful situations. Such things I avoid may be listening to the news, dealing with fractious people, doing tasks that I know will make me worry excessively, doing too much.

Avoiding triggers - highly important but not going to go into detail. Takes experience, can’t always anticipate.

To deal with an anxious state there are distractors such as reading (do this a lot to take me away), going for a gentle walk (can’t go faster) outside in a different environment. Going out with my partner.

Using the Smiling Mind app to try to break an anxiety cycle, or help when waiting for something very worrying (like test results).

Medication - base level and boosting my relaxation exercise at night time to try to sleep.

All sprinkled with attempts at humor, even though I do not feel like it, tease my partner, offspring, a cat.

Have a look at:

Forums / Anxiety / SELF HELP TIPS FOR MANAGING ANXIETY

Very long, all sorts of goodies buried there.

You mentioned going back on meds. Maybe a good idea, you are the person on the spot and therefore have the best judgment.

Now you are looking at things I'm pretty sure you will improve. I, and others here, would like it very much if you kept up saying how you were going

Croix

[159357]

I can't help you with everything here, but i have one thing to say.

Think about your partner and your feelings, but don't second guess them. Don't let something like this ruin a relationship between people, it's not worth it.

[Elise101]

Thank you so much for your advice Croix!

Today was actually a really good day, i spoke openly to my partner about us having a little space from one another - not a break, but just some more time for ourselves and he was very supportive and agreed that would be good. Then we spent the day hanging out and i felt a lot more at ease. Sometimes my mind just wanders and i feel like i'm too young to be in a serious relationship and theres so much i want to do on my own, but i can still accomplish all of that whilst being in a loving committed relationship, it will just be a work in progress.

I will be sure to give your tips a go in times of anxiousness, my psychology appointment the other day went well too, she taught me about the 5 senses and a few other things which was helpful.

I think i am going to give st johns wort - the more natural medication a go before i commit to going back onto anything else just yet.

I will keep you up to date! Thank you, Elise 101.