18(m)first relationship breakup story, i need advice

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Yesterday, My girlfriend of 3 months(seeing each other for 4 and a half month) broke up with me. I know it sounds minimal but i can’t comprehend the feelings im going through. in our whole duration we never had any arguments or disagreements, we were healthy loving and purely just happy. She ended it with me yesterday randomly at night when she changed our saturday plans from dinner to just a walk but i knew something was wrong and i asked to call. I was out for dinner with the family and she said that she was reviewing if she wanted a relationship, she was overwhelmed about term 3 at skl and work and potentially missing out on stuff with friends. I felt terrible so bad i started crying in the middle of the road, i asked why she wouldn’t want to sort this out with me on text but she said she made her mind up, i have no resentment only confusion and sadness at the moment, she said i was too dependent on her and my emotions swayed when she was sad i was sad and if she was stressed i became stressed. All i wanted to do was help her out of it, make her feel better and then i would as a result. I understood that it was a huge weight for her to bare and I was seeking advice from friends on changing it. She said she felt like it was unfair on me that i put so much effort into the relationship and she didn’t do as much and then what broke me was she said she didn’t think love me as much as i loved her. i also didn’t have a great balance in the term 2 and realised i relied on her for emotional connection a lot. She said seeing each other once a week was “a lot” and everything went so quick in 3 months. The start was great, got off like a house on fire after we met at an 18th. We had things in common and a genuine liking to each other. I planned everything and just an absolute shock to the system when she said it to me. We had her brothers 21st 4 days ago and i thought she was avoiding me a lot and not talking to which i was just looking into it too much but i brought it up with her anyway, in the end it was me apologising because i saw that there was nothing wrong with it but she then said she cried the next morning( our 3 months) because she wanted to just think things over, we talked about it briefly and then she was fine for 3 days and then was quite cold to me on the phone when we broke up, she didn’t sound emotional and ik everyone takes it differently but still that hurt too because i do know she loved and cared about me a lot. We had one sleepover at my holiday house exactly two weeks ago and we got intimate which was so wholesome and such a growth in our relationship. I love cuddling her, kissing her and just her smell and i’m never going to be able to talk to her lovely family again. I feel like shit at the moment and hopefully someone can provide some insight or advice, i understand from reading some of these posts that it’s so minimal but i really would like to see someone’s perspective. We ended on good terms and i wished her well for the rest of the year 12 while battling tears 😭 and hung up. she hasn’t removed or unfollowed me on everything yet and i am clinging to hope but like my best friend said, i can’t do that. about to go into the most important term of my life and i lose what i would call my world.

indigo22

Hi,

Welcome to the forums, I am so glad you found your way here.

What you are feeling is not minimal, anything you feel is important to you is not minimal, it may be different to other posts you have read but that doesn't mean it is any less important.

I'm sorry you are feeling so sad at present, it is like any other loss we experience, there is a grieving process that we must go through before we can come to terms with it.

Love can be confusing and heartbreaking at any age but the younger you are, the less experience you have to compare it to. It is all trial and error when we are young. Learning about ourselves, our likes and dislikes, our emotions, how we feel about ourselves and the world around us, how safe and secure we feel, all of these things feed into how we operate when in a loving partnership.

The most important thing I want say to you at this time (and you may not be ready to hear it yet) is that when challenges come into our lives they are meant to help us learn something about ourselves and about life. You will feel sad and confused for a while but try also to think about what you can learn through this experience.

You first need to know how to love yourself, to honor what is important to you, to own your emotions and not take on the emotions of others as if they were yours. I suspect that you are a very sensitive soul and because of this you do take on other peoples emotions. Learning to know the difference between your emotions and the emotions of another is part of these lessons. For example; you are feeling happy and relaxed prior to walking into a room with a number of people in it (a classroom for instance) and within minutes that happy and relaxed feeling changes to fearful and tense. You have picked up on the emotions of someone else in the room and are now feeling them as your own. By being able to recognise when this happens, you can let those emotions pass through you and return to happy and relaxed. I hope this makes sense to you.

I promise that you will find love again but I know the loss of your first love feels just awful. Give yourself some time and be kind to yourself.

We will be here to support you so please feel free to continue this conversation whenever you wish.

Your feelings matter, remind yourself of this often.

indigo 💜

Pheeny

What you're going through is tough, and your feelings do matter, but she has set some boundaries, and you need to respect that no matter how hard it might be. It seems you are a little too reliant on her, and that might be overwhelming for her, so the best thing to do right now would be to take a step back and focus on yourself. In hard times like this, it is good to have other people to talk to, such as your best friend or a teacher, or even family members who might have a better experience. Intimacy is never straightforward; it's always complicated, and the first heartbreak often hurts the most. If you two are meant to be together, it will happen in time, which does not mean you are unworthy. She has stated that she doesnt feel like it's a good time for a relationship, and respecting that is the first step to take. As you mentioned, you are going through the hardest term of your life, and focusing on other things such as school and study might help you overcome this hard period of your life; however, do not dedicate all your time to school.... focus on YOURSELF🩷💜🩷💜🩷💜(*^▽^*)

Nadz

Three months doesn't really map onto how much something can mean at the time, I think that's one of those things you can't explain to someone who hasn't been in it. The part where she said she didn't think she loved you as much as you loved her... that one is hard to sit with. it doesn't mean she didn't care, it just means the weight of it was landing differently on her, and finding that out in the moment of a breakup is a lot to absorb all at once.

I had a situationship at 19 that wasn't quite a relationship but close enough, where I was completely in it and the other person wasn't quite meeting me there, and the bit you described about becoming sad when she was sad, stressed when she was stressed, I did the same thing. At the time I thought that was just what caring about someone looked like. Its not wrong exactly, it just ends up being a lot of weight for the other person to carry without them ever asking for it.

The not-unfollowing thing is its own specific kind of painful because it keeps a door open that probably isn't open, and you know that already, your friend knows it too, but knowing it doesn't really make it easier to stop looking.

You ended it well from what you wrote, wishing her luck while you were barely holding it together, and that's not nothing. I'm sorry you're carrying this going into such a big term. ♡

quirkywords

Guest

you have supportive replies. I Think many can relate to your honesty and emotions. I have been through several major breakups . It is not easy so don’t apologise for having feelings. Feel free to post here when you need to.