Hello. I'll start this off by stating that I have no intent to harm myself or others. This is me just expressing myself. I don't really have anyone to tell this stuff to aside from my psych.
For some reason, I snap to the, arguably true idea that I didn't deserve what happened to me. It is an idea that makes me furious. I never asked for this, I never wanted this, and I certainly never wanted to be the person I am now. When I see people being mistreated that anger rises up inside of me again. I want to scream and shout at the person who is acting inhumanely and without empathy. I want to physically injure them, or tell them honestly what I think of them, which is that they would be better off not existing.
Instead, I don't do anything, say anything, I'm frozen, as I'm afraid if I do anything reasonable like telling them to leave the person alone, I will let everything out. I am afraid if I confront them, and they touch me, I will snap and attack them or do anything else that I can think of in that moment.
But no. I do nothing, and watch another person get bullied or abused by a stranger or an SO or a friend. The guilt hurts almost as much as the rage. That I did nothing, that I let another person treat someone that way when I could have stopped it. Then I remember what I think, that I want to hurt these people in my anger, and I remember how utterly emotionally broken I am. It all just culminates.
I don't know what to do with my rage. I am tired of being a victim and watching perpetrators do their thing, ruining more lives action at a time. It is so bad that I cannot do anything except sit down and try not to explode.
Anger management doesn't work. The second I acknowledge its existence it consumes me along with grief and I have to try not to break something.
I don't know how to deal with this. Sorry if I repeated myself. I just don't know what to do anymore.
