Tired

[Delectable]

I’m tired of a lot of things, of doing this thing called life alone. I chose not to have children after living a traumatic childhood till I was 13 and placed in stare care. I never experienced love from my family or my past boyfriends. I have spent my entire life feeling never good enough for people, in the last fifteen years after I left a relationship I have felt more distant then ever. I worked as much as possible so I was either tired and didn’t think about the loneliness. I lot a few contracts and started baking, giving the food away when I could afford to do so. I’ve rented for the last 15 years and have had to do one bad move which was very hard on me giving away a beautiful harden and accessories to people I thought were friends but users in the end as I only live 30kns away and they choose to have nothing to do with me. I only work one day now and am struggling with filling in time, I do exercise every day for an hour, but there’s still over 13 hours to fill in. As i live in Victoria near NSW I’m stuck because of the coronavirus in Melbourne and not allowed out of my state though my area hadn’t had any cases for 90 days.

Tired of making friends to be let down by then, one life friend said speak to the psychologist, so I speak once every 6 weeks. I really don’t see much point continuing my life, there’s only so much one can take and I feel like ending my life especially iff I cannot go to Queensland in December for Christmas which I have not had Christmas for over 35 years with anyone. I do not take drugs or drink alcohol, just extremely overtired of my living.

[Delectable]

I’m not sure if they show them in the city, I rather watch them then American movies that’s all, I get the palace cinema emails so just look out for the titles on DVD.

My psychologist knows I’m getting frustrated with these people in my life, about their lack of contact...she’s not happy I’m distancing myself from them but I don’t have the tolerance or patience for them, they don’t bother contacting me so I messaged them and said I make all the effort and they only respond when I do it first so for the last 3 months I didn’t and you guessed it they didn’t bother, I’m done with their excuses.

My psychologist mentioned the 5 languages of love, ones a parent one. Well I’m sick of parenting myself, just once if like someone to care for me to love me, looking after yourself since I’m 13 is very hard and neither of my parents showed me any love.

Im too different to most people, a screw up ad I didn’t have the right tools at the start and how does a teenager supposed to parent themselves at 13 anyway.
It would have been nice to have my teenage years and live like others, but it wasn’t in my cards.

Now forgive me. But I’m exhausted of all the parenting and looking after myself.

[Delectable]

My psychologist told me today normal people without mental health don’t like isolation, I said maybe they can understand what it’s like for people who endure it every day before COVID 19.... I hope all those people are kinder to you all out there suffering, just because we experience it longer, doesn’t mean it’s ok as we are used to it.

[Hanna3]

Hi DeDelectable,

I'm sorry you're feeling isolated, so are many of us here on BB suffering the same thing. I hope you will find people here to chat to at least. I just popped by to say hello, I'm having wifi problems tonight so can't stay on longer unfortunately.

Glad you also enjoy European movies, although I think you know more of them than I do!

Take care, oxox

[Delectable]

Thank you, have terrible endometriosis pain today, I have to see new doctors as the pain is getting worse, it’s very difficult to find a doctor who cares, I’ve had this for nearly 9 years, I have grumpy bum tomorrow for an old lady I help, she likes to speak to me angrily and like an ogre. I’m not looking forward to it, she is getting worse. Then I have dance which I’ll have to force myself to go, so it won’t matter how much pain I’m in Thursday when I see a new doctor. I have to get letters from people who have seen me in pain so I hope they will help me, when you’re poor no one really wants to help you though. If you like European movies see fete de famille with Catherine denevue, or how to be a good wife with Juliette binoche. They were released this year...

[Guest_1643]

Hi Delectabale -

That sounds very painful to struggle with endo - i think there are a lot of support groups about it as many people have lately raised awareness about it. I hope you are okay. Finding a GP who cares is truly like finding a needle in a haystack. Also for better or for worse they often have long waiting times. They are out there but i totally agree with you, you have to wade through a lot of less-than-excellent ones first. How are you finding it here on BB? have seen you around a lot of the forums, hopefully you'll meet some kind people here.

[Delectable]

I’m not interested in mixing with people in real life, I’m in a small town and if you have any type of mental Illness you’re an instant outcast. Seeing a new doctor tomorrow, hopefully it won’t be a waste of time, Tired of living with endo being treated like a nobody because I’m poor. Still got the silent treatment from my friends, I saw on Instagram, one of them gave my gift to their daughter which I’m not happy about, I brought it for my friend, obviously she thinks nothing of the friendship to give away an Italian handbag.

Very sore today, at least I’ll be in pain when I see the gp tomorrow...

Feeling a lot worse mentally with the rejections from real life friends, pretty obvious they don’t care....I try to fill time in by doing the two puzzles, not wanting to overstep anyone’s boundaries though.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Delectable

sorry you're in so much

don't want to upset you at all and was talking more about online support groups for it - there is an actress called Padma Lakshmi who has endo and shares her journey online. Sorry if I'm upsetting you or sharing info you already know.

If your friends don't contact you that can be very hard. Losing friends is a painful thing and i'm sorry you have gone through that.

[Guest_1643]

thats good you have an appointment tomorrow

is this a new doctor that you're trialling?

hope s/he is okay. Juliette Binoche is wonderful. Have you seen or heard of sils maria? really liked that one.

[Delectable]

Yes, I like her as well as Catherine Denevue. Yes a new doctor tomorrow and see another one Tuesday...to see which one will help me if any.... as my Hungarian friend said last week I have no social skills and don’t know what a friendship even is? It would have been nice to be taught things that everyone takes fir granted from their parents, I shouldn’t be watching the European movies as it makes living here quite difficult.

[Delectable]

Went to the dr today, she didn’t examine me and I was in a lot of pain. She set up three assessments, health, mental and the other I’m not sure what it is as two of them are phone appointments for next week.

She seems nice but I’m disappointed that there was no exam when I was in the pain I am, I will still see the other doctor next week and see what happens, maybe I won’t have the pain then.
No contact from anyone except the old person I help, maybe it’s better this way. At least I know the truth now, they were all fake before and happy for me to make the effort, can’t believe hoe stupid I was, I so badly wanted friends I had blinkers on the whole time in the journey. Will have to push myself back into the exercise, doing dance last night wasn’t the best for me, but good for all the stress I’m feeling from these failed relations with people in the real world. Will never be going down that path again allowing people to use and hurt me. I’m scheduled to cook a lunch for 4 people I know that I don’t have phone contact with on Sunday, the last one was September last year then we had bushfires followed by lockdown, it will be a French feast with a veloute for starters, a spring vegetable stew, stuffed tomatoes, braised leeks, and a lavender and lemon blackberry cake. I don’t have much contact as I’ll be doing the cooking, I’ll just let the others talk and say nothing.