new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

Sleepy, 2 white pillows to completr the look would look awesome. All charcoal is nice too, but youd want a more feminine look with white, otherwide your bed will look a bit like a bachelors pad in an apartment or penthouse inner city. Lol. I like that look anyhow.
Blubes

[Guest_498]

My heart beats with immense joy knowing that youre doing well, Ems. You DESERVE it bbg. You deserve happiness and all great things to happen to you. ❤
Sorry to hear about your blind chook, poor dear. 😞
I hope youre enjoying your weekend so far.
Im also sorry for the harms these toxic ppl caused also. We're all magnificent here.
Xx

[ecomama]

Bluberry said:Sleepy, 2 white pillows to completr the look would look awesome. All charcoal is nice too, but youd want a more feminine look with white, otherwide your bed will look a bit like a bachelors pad in an apartment or penthouse inner city. Lol. I like that look anyhow.
Blubes

I LOVE the masculine looking "Industrial Design" style but I'd have to throw almost everything out and begin again to do it.
I LOVE it so much.

I think I might get Navy Blue linen doona cover and pillow cases one day for my new room but I like switching things up too.

I LOVE the look and feel of linen but it breaks the bank lol. It's so soft and comfy.

Omg one son bought a vacuum cleaner! lol... ours isn't working very well and it's a Dyson so I'm tossing up whether to look at having reconditioned (because when it's working well it's AWESOME) or just tossing it sadly and saving for a new one.
Just don't know.

EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Bluberry said:My heart beats with immense joy knowing that youre doing well, Ems. You DESERVE it bbg. You deserve happiness and all great things to happen to you. ❤
Sorry to hear about your blind chook, poor dear. :-(
I hope youre enjoying your weekend so far.
Im also sorry for the harms these toxic ppl caused also. We're all magnificent here.
Xx

Thanks Blubes, yes my darling chicken has decided "it's time" I think. She's over 10yo and her blindness is getting worse. I think she's given up and decided not to eat.
She ate a skerrick of yoghurt I bought just for her but that's 2 days on less than a teaspoon of yoghurt, she just won't eat or drink.

When they went to bed last night, all the chickens were "crying" all night. They've never done this before... I think they know she's sick. We checked on them so many times and nothing else was wrong.

The boys are having a Party tonight, pretty mellow lol... they always are. Heavens they're nothing like the parties we used to have as teenagers NOTHING like them thank goodness.

Prodigal son had a trial at the takeaway down there (that he used to work at here)... he just texted to say he went really well!
The offered to cross train him omg... so sighhh we won't be seeing him much at all now.
But I'm very happy for him. We all are.
Just sad we won't see him.

My gf from school lives an hour from where he lives and I could drive down to stay at hers and see son... it's a very long drive. My gf said she would LOVE that, she's so sweet.
I couldn't visit till much later in the year when I'm on leave. If then. IDK.

I just have to leave it all in God's hands and do my best.

Y is going to a Halloween Party tonight and I can barely believe it lol. I need to be "on call" for the moment she calls or texts and wants to come home.
I have to drive her the 30 mins away. I won't allow her to travel alone on public transport. Most definitely NOT at night. No way.
She would much rather me drive her anyway lol, so that's all cool.

My baby girl is doing more normal teen things now and it's like her depression is lifting alot... do you think it could have something to do with "almost coming out" as gay?
She's made about 4 quite obvious statements around it.... without saying "mum I'm gay".

I'd say she's 75% "out" to us. But my Counsellor said not to ask her questions around it. So I'm not.
It could set us back a LONG way in our relationship and we're going well... so I'll follow advice lol.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

hey EM

sorry about ur chicken, she souds very dear. Sorry you had that sad news 😞

yes it is halloween - how did the parties go at your place? Did your daughter enjoy the party... everytime you write about her I can feel more that she is growing and moving in a good direction.... I hope she has fun at the party and feels good to be out.

Fair few parties aroud here - lots of share houses and young people so I can hear screams and shrieks. and have seen people in costumes 🙂

I called 1800 Respect again and found the specialist counsellor much better this time. I think I just didn't click with the previous one... which has not happened to me before. she had more of a lecturing approach and it overwhelmed me. This woman was more empathetic and also gave me a sort of gentle education. I've had good experiences previously like you have. Glad I called again and reaffirmed that.

Happy halloween and happy weekend to you. I hope your feeling great 🙂

[Guest_1643]

Blubs thanks for your solid and sweet words - we are sure all magnificent here.

[ecomama]

Hey Blubes,

WELL DONE YOU for persisting in your journey and pushing for the help and support you need.

We really love you. I'm so proud of you too.

I've found the trauma psychs really amazing on 1800RESPECT... any time, day or night.
Earlier this year one stayed with me for way over time and just met me where I was at and "got me", like she really GOT who I was and who I am.
I felt SO comforted, SO understood.
She gave me so many alternatives for Y and as well as all the other support from my Counsellor and sitting with my maternal instincts for my baby girl... I hesitate to say she's recovering but all the indicators are there that she is.

WHAT A MIRACLE.. Thankyou God because I was devastated she was feeling the way she was.

She's home from the party and had a really nice time! There were about 15 kids there and the girls siblings joined in. Y clicked with one of the siblings and he met me outside and said "You have a really lovely daughter there".

The party is STILL going on here too lol... prodigal son didn't make it back for it. I wasn't surprised, that's okay. They all just left for a skateboard ride! at 2am! as they do. Sometimes they ride 15 klm to a spot and all the way back. They love doing that.

I can hear Y playing her guitar I bought for her this year and singing. She's a natural musician like Alexa is. Between them they can play around 15 instruments! And ever so naturally, it's amazing.

When we were going through Courts and I couldn't afford a THING bec of the legal expenses... my sons all put in from their very meagre income and bought Y a keyboard! Just because.
She hadn't told me she needed an instrument for her High School elective - Music. She knew I couldn't afford anything.

But all things like that added to her depression. Not able to access things she needed for school was a biggie.

The deputy phoned me a few weeks ago over prodigal son and also said the school knows JUST HOW MUCH effort I've put into the children to see such remarkable recoveries in them all. I'm proud of the school doing a 180 on their attitude towards me (demon had convinced them of ALL sorts about me).
I felt somewhat vindicated there.

Now I can hear her singing whilst making a snack lol! It's the sweetest sound.

Not resting on our laurels over this but progress is there for sure.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Halloween weekend

All fine here, though it's raining lol. Again.

My BEST news is that the actual baby girl Alexa attended an incident about, just as she was picking up the kids from school on Friday afternoon, ACTUALLY survived.
It's a shocking story but it was nothing humans did to her... she had had a seizure and the grandmother didn't know what to do and even though she called 000, she couldn't speak English so was in distress just as Alexa arrived.

I couldn't write about it before now.
I was waiting on tenterhooks to find out if she survived.

Awww she did! SO HAPPY! I have held this gorgeous baby girl and Alexa is in love with her lol.

The Halloween party at our house went till 6am lol but was very quiet.

I've been invited to watch the grandkids at an indoor climbing thingy today, so I'm going.

I think I'm going to sleepy well tonight! lol.

Y is taking another work shift today.

Blind chicken isn't doing well at all 😞

Otherwise we're doing okay.

How are you all doing?

Love EM

[monkey_magic]

Hello vibrant Em,

I also think you will sleepy well with so much on at yours. Your life is so full.

Poor lil chicken. It's had a good life, at yours.

I was feeling ill y'day. Better today though.

Same, raining here.

I'm not doing much to be honest. Mum called me lazy y'day which I didn't appreciate. Have been feeling ill and off...think it's the coming down off psych meds.
It was good to be out at friends bday party...since what I'm going through slipped my mind...love the distractions.

Enjoy the time with your grandkids!

😁

[ecomama]

Oh dear monkey.... "Warrior Princess Syndrome" I'll call it... you know when you've achieved something huge and have probably handled things so well in the past and then

oh dear you're HUMAN.

Some ppl hey?

Oh my darling chicken. She's right here beside me now. I coloured the honey yoghurt with red food colouring and put some in a little bowl. Apparently birds see the colour red easily... but her cataracts makes it so hard for her.
She's doing 'dementia' things. Wobbling, she's barely walked and her claws are curling up etc.
But she's having a go at eating it.... from time to time she calls quietly and I have to say "Mamas here" and she tries to eat again.

She's probably 200yo in human years IDK but she was so spritely a week ago.

I've decided that I can't let her be outside unless I'm with her now and I'm putting her in a box to sleep on my bed with me at night now.
It's just too random with the other chickens around her. Plus they're crying all night which keeps us all awake.

If she's alive next weekend it'll be a miracle.

Me and my girls hey.

XXXX EM