new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dearest Blubes and my other darling Victorian friends....

I'm so sorry this nightmare has continued so very long for you all.

I REALLY hope this Sunday DOES bring some relieving news for you all!

I say just lock up the loonies and let the rest move about.... but this thing is SO elusive!

I hated the Nursing Home reports... that's when I had to stop watching the news whatsoever.
I was crying too much.

I seriously would have swooped in and taken my OLDIES OUT... I tried to have my 99yo Nanna live at my house years ago but Uncle's family said no.
Alexa is still pithed about that.

I'm going to start a thread about self-care Sleepy 21 and I WANT TO SEE YOU THERE... yah that's an order lol.

It's ALL your doing that I even thought maybe self care should be "a thing" in my life lol!
And Blubes has me booking in false eye lashes lol... and monkey likes purple nail polish... I'm going a muted colour tonight. Nails. Not skin. lol.

Be there or be square.
EM

[Guest_1643]

Hey all!!

Thanks for letting me have that vent!!! It was pretty sad 😞 yes a lot of people there were very happy to have support in terms of a home that they weren't bothered by aything in the hospital - even though i noticed generally a lot of neglect and not great support - don't get me started on the "classes" which actually very rarely happened due to disorganisation... sad 😞

Blubs I did not know the govt was making that announcement and will watch out for it!!

Good on u EM for that amazing idea of a self-care thread.! i hope you enjoy painting your nails....

[ecomama]

THE SELF-CARE THREAD IS UP NOW.....

See you there!!!

Love EM

[Guest_498]

It's been going on for far too long!! It's taking its toll on my mental health! I'm tired of being in lockdown with nothing much to do. At least those with a job get to go out. I'm locked down for virtually 22 hours a day, despite the lifting of the night curfew. We're only allowed 2 hours of exercise a day - that's the same hours inmates in prison are allowed. And, we're restricted to a 5km radius too. This is what covid has done to us in Victoria.

Lock up only the loonies? Yeah, all those ppl wearing tinfoil hats believing either covid isn't real or that 5G network fuelled the coronavirus pandemic - absurd. Be careful what you wish for Ems, I was acussed of being a looney tune, remember? lol. In that case, I'd be locked up too. Ahahha. My sister and mother - narcististic so and so!!! Don't get me started on that! Unbelievable, just arrghh - makes my blood boil.

I'll check out the self-care thread soon.

xx

[Guest_1643]

hi bluberry i feel you it's very difficult ... do u live with others? i live alone and am existing on phone calls atm. Literally saving me! Very hard for Victorians to maintain social connections at the moment although hope that we'll get there eventually.... i find the news hard to follow. I can understand that this is very very difficult and has been going on for a long time. Sending support x

[Guest_498]

I'm living alone atm. I was living with a flatmate for about 3 weeks until he moved out. I have another flatmate moving in on the 18th (next week). I can't call anyone because I have no friends or support network - I'll have to make new friends and rebuild my life somehow. Its a very long story, but the friends I have weren't friends, to begin with. They got involved in a scam devised by family members. The only person I have in real life is my ex-flatmate. He's nice. I have my Beyond Blue family to keep me sane. I honestly wish you guys here were my real-life friends, honestly do. I feel really connected here.

Hopefully, our Premier can ease some burden and lift further restrictions. Personally, I'd like the 5km radius to go - I find it really restrictive but it assists in track and trace, so I can't see that happening. I reckon we'll be locked down for a further 3 weeks given the 2 weeks average - the chief health officer (CHO) recommended a 5% average but we're on 9.5 (I believe) - nowhere near the 5% they're hoping for, sadly.

[Guest_498]

Support & air hug to you, too Sleepy.

[ecomama]

I'm sorry Blubes, I didn't really mean that comment. Hugs.

Hi Sleepy21 too, hugs to you both.

BB are your family. We care about you very VERY much and want to see things change for all of you coping with unprecedented restrictions.

Reach out here.... BB has helped me cope, I hope you can feel that too.

I have work today. I have to go. Just popped in to see how you're going before work.

I'll be thinking of you today.

I did paint my nails last night btw... after 4 years of NOT doing that.
Such fickle things in the world. Sometimes our world has diminished to ONLY such small things... only things we have control over. We don't seem to have much control over Covid at all besides doing the right thing.

Love to you all
EM

[ecomama]

Loving thoughts for you all today.

My world has come crashing down with absence of son.

Yvette was beside herself with grief saying she doesn't know how she'll cope, she is beginning to not cope at work even.

So she's not going to school today. I wish I could make her go but I can't.
Son spoke with me last night because he wanted something.
The only reason we'll hear from him, and have for a long time, is when he wants something.

Other sons are feeling pretty distressed about it now. Before they were in shock. Now reality has set in and they're feeling disbelief and sadness.

The plans for picking up son's car and remaining things have changed 4 times in 4 days. The mother forgot all their kids went back to school this week. THAT's how disorganised this family is.

Anyway I need to focus on things within my control and possibly some influence.

Yvette asked to do a deal about going to school so we're trying that.

I took all absent son's dirty laundry out of his dishevelled room this morning and realised HE was happy, he's outta here... just left a mess and flew out yesterday for a train.

He sounded AWFUL when we spoke last night. He said he was tired, which is understandable.

He thought he'd get a transfer for work. He can't. It's a franchised take away. He will barely have a cent after paying for school fees and uniforms.
He has a small amount still in my account. I said that will probably last him a month the way he's used to living.

So the first stumbles were last week. Another one last night. He couldn't work something out online so he has to come home this weekend to do that with me in person in a mobile phone shop.

I'm rambling. I feel so stressed. Grinding my teeth in my sleep. Shaky this morning.

I cried so much at the news last week. Yvette did too. I've all but stopped crying but Yvette can't seem to.

IDK it's a mess. Some messes can't be sorted. Just have to see our way clear to carry on with essential things like work and food.

I put Uncle off for a month this morning. He'll be shocked I know.
I can't do it right now. We have to regroup and financially he's got no clue, no matter how much I told him and spent so much unnecessary money I can't afford at all.

SO difficult.

EM

[Guest_498]

Lol Ems, I know what you meant by that comment. I was only joking with mine. All good. No need to apologise. I'm super happy that you took time out to paint your nails. How do you feel with them painted, having not painted them in 4 years? Do you like them? I feel naked without any colour on mine. It just feels weird for me, even though mine is subdued pink with white tips. I've got light pink polish, so I might paint mine tonight sometime whilst watching t.v.

Loving thoughts and hug to you, Ems and your family. There is a sense of loss almost from your son leaving and the feelings of deep sadness and emptiness are now setting in for you. It will be easier every day as you get used to the status quo. Yes, some things are beyond our control. The empty feeling is such a horrible feeling isn't it? Another layer of stress for you would be the constant worry also. I feel for you. I feel empty too.

Best you keep uncle at arm's length atm - he's stressing you on a level that you simply cannot deal with. I do hope you can at least enjoy the sunshine whilst at work today and enjoy your first day back as well.

Love Blubes