new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

So, ok .. my new flatmate came round to give me bond. He's very handsome, got beautiful eyes. I can tell you that his voice does NOT match what he looks like at all. At some stage, he spoke about his "complicated" relationship, describing her as a "friend"... "she wants more than what I'm prepared to give". Hmm .. ok. I thought. What a little fibber - lol. how cute.

My current, quiet flatmate has already started to move. Slowly taking bits of him out of the house. I will miss him despite the short time I've known him, but we spoke and said that we'll keep in contact and remain friends afterwards. I can tell he's going through something major. I can see it in his demeanor and eyes. He won't talk about his problems though. He doesn't open up & I don't ask any questions.

Funny that you spoke about cleanliness - my new flatmate is moving in with me because the place he's living in is quite dirty and he can't stand it. Lol.

Blubes. xx

[Guest_498]

Ahaha Ems, smooth operator? lol Damn straight!! lol.

[Guest_498]

BTW .. I forgot to ask what BIG plans has uncle Croix got install for me?

[ecomama]

I got up at 3:30am after hitting the sack heavily at 7pm!

Too much hard work and busy-ness yesterday.

You weren't too harsh on bf - hey that was NOTHING like what I said to him lol.

I texted him a list of boundaries and I asked him for one - since he was complaining.
And complaining. Wash rinse repeat.

They all had to be measurable and EASY for both of us to HEAR since it's an over the phone r/ship atm.

He had trouble with his to me lol. I wouldn't talk with him unless he sent it. Otherwise I was in danger of walking into deep water after our argument.

All good. Mine, from him, were mild. His, from me, were not.

All good now. It's all the "alpha male" stuff - psych friend explained it and it made sense.

My arms are aching from all the hard work yesterday. Burned my fire for hours also. This involves alot of sweeping hot embers off the balcony as they drop out of the chiminea.

Party No 2 tonight for my multiple birth kids. I need more sleep, so I'll do that now.

Happy to hear new flatmate is moving in. Yeah complicated, right lol.

Nice that you're going to stay in touch with old one.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

It's great to hear that you guys have sorted out your problems and that his list for you wasn't bad at all. I'm pleased that you didn't break up - this would've been painful for both of you.

I love the fire on, it's very relaxing and mesmerising watching the flames dance around. And the smell isn't bad either. I love this esp. in the high country. Burn it all, it'll all be burnt in no time.

How many did you end up having in your multiple birth? Tripplets?

I'm sorry to hear about the AVO - perhaps wait until you've amassed multiple letters before you try for an AVO (I can't believe it has to come to that to get one). In Victoria (Police State) you could apply for one for almost anything (whether it's granted is a different story). I've experienced the most silly of circumstances going through the court system with ppl I knew over the years. The fact that the burden of proof (evidence) is less than those of criminal matters, ppl would make up stories and try for it. Some granted, some gets thrown out. Agreed. It is NOT worth the paper it's written on. You, me & Croix have the same mind-set about the law. It might however put a little fear in some ppl. For others, it is just a game.

I hope you're enjoying leave atm.

Oh nooo. It's dawned on me that because my new flatmate is a mechanic, will he dirty my walls, furniture etc? I just had the walls professionally painted.

Blubes

[ecomama]

Oh dear lol.

I had an older relative who was a mechanic, I LOVED being in the workshop welding and getting grubby!

But yeah. His wife was eternally cleaning. As I am lol.

Or on here!

Thankyou yeah, I don't think we'll break up. I'm not sure if we'll ever get to "be married" though, there are so many obstacles to that.

Due to our extremely enmeshed childhoods (and his ongoing family enmeshment into adulthood, even now).. mine with my marriages played out similarly... I don't think we'll break up.

But one of us might die before we get together. His work is so high risk. His health is not 100% either and doesn't improve but he doesn't help it improve either, so there it is.

I'm younger BUT we don't know how the poisoning will play out with the horrid diseases ex had planned to make me die from.

I plan to grow my own organic food more and more, to eat mostly from my own garden as I have many times over my life. The organic gardening lifestyle in a mental and physical sense plus EATING the fresh, organic food is extremely healthy.

I'd LOVE to get into the Biodynamic Gardening routines again SO MUCH. I'll see how I go lol.

But I also plan to work till I drop lol. Full time / PT whatever. I'll decide as I go. This darned mortgage needs to go! But ofcourse my children are my main focus for always lol.

We have a plan to live for 6 months to 2y at a time in San Diego at his "assigned" home in the Family Trust lol the enmeshment I was talking about goes to all properties too!
All good.

Then partially here too.

If HE can get entry to retire here then we'll do that. I won't live in the U.S. for ever. Just part of the time. Some times. Maybe lol.

But it's many years before this can happen. IF it can happen.

Fine by me. Busy bee I am.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: Youngest daughter's mental health - YD is her acronym in previous posts lol dear Croix, from now on I shall call her Yvette lol!

It appears Yvette is showing her strength. Still it's 3 steps forward, any number back.

I've phoned helplines a number of times. Exhausted every number and email given to me by the beautiful helpers there...all to a dead end. They're freaking full. Sexual Assault Counsellors for children are all full, and there were SO many that I called.

I wish everyone in our Country and the world knew of this. Our country's INjustice system should hang their heads in shame. Nothing will change unless the Law changes AND the punishment for these abhorrent crimes is made "Life" or death - I prefer the latter.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Back Yvette in a more positive note.

She's doing better atm.

I've talked with her alot about her Education. For now she's decided to stay at school. Lovely end of year Farewells and muck up days are happening which she would miss out on completely if she left for another form of High School. Esp with these friends / other students she's known for many years now.

In summary she's seeing the BENEFITS of staying at school... for now.

She's ordered her special School Jacket for next year lol. That's cool.

Most of the kids have a plan for the education future long term.

Yvette said the saddest thing to me this week.... that she never made any plans for this age in her life or her future because she thought she wouldn't be alive. So wouldn't have to think about it.
That's very telling to me.

I'm so sorry she's felt this way for so long.

I apologised to her that she didn't feel she could tell me that before. She didn't want to tell me because she knew I would cry my eyes out and worry about her. She didn't want to put any more pressure on me. She also said she didn't know HOW to tell me.

So it's school holidays now. We have a pamper day planned (my bday present from eldest children for all the girls and me lol). I hope it pans out to happen these holidays.

Yvette will be taking as many shifts as she can. She LOVES going to work. She often stays until close just to help them out.

She is NOT doing that tonight or until.... the coast is clear of no more visits from ex.

All children have decided if it shows up to work it's the same response "You have 2 minutes to leave or I'll call the police".

Getting there.

EM

[Guest_498]

Ems,

It was a breakthrough for your daughter to finally open up to you about how she felt. I'm sorry that she felt this way also, and for so long. I'm glad that she's doing ok though - god bless her. This is a great start, as she will start opening up to you more and more when she feels ready to.

I'll say call the police right away, the minute he makes contact. No threat or warning, JUST DO IT!! It'll better leverage your case.

Love Blubes

[ecomama]

Hi Blubes

IF he ever turned up to our house that's exactly what I'd do - no second thinking, dial immediately.

BUT it turning up to kid's WORK PLACE??? It could EASILY say it was just buying food.
They work in a popular take away place - so this would be it's excuse.... unless it was every day, WHEN the kids are working.

Then it could be SOME THING to call the police about.

Not that the Police would help.

It's THAT bad here - I don't think you realise.

Today there were helicopters and streets lined with police near my daughter's house.
There's so much crime there (same Police jurisdiction as my house), young girls being attacked and abducted ALL the freaking time.
Last week a 14yo girl was abducted there and it doesn't even make the news!
My kids found out via FB from child's family and NOTHING mentioned on the news.

No one even knows if she was found.

Today same full on response so probably same type of violence.

Calling police over a guy turning up once in a take away joint will NOT compare whatsoever.

Tbh at least 5 other women tried to get AVOs on same demon and NOTHING.
It's also had to defend itself from theft and burglary charges and GOT OFF the charges.
IDK these women. I read police notes.

NONE of these cases relate to mine bec they are seen as separate cases by a Judge. It's gotten off EVERY charge so far except the DUIs.

I'm doing my best. It's not Victoria. I wish it was.

Covid would kill this demon bec of it's health issues.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Oh. Public food place? Yeh, I didn't think about that when I responded. THIS is frustrating to say the least. As frustrating as my drugging case, legal-wise. I simply want this OVER for you guys!! And want my case over with, too. Ugh its emotionally draining.