new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Bluberry said:There you go!! And you were so worked up over the tradie!! No, they're not all like yours, there are some horrid ones out there! Glad you've found an awesome one.
Sounds like a plan with your uncle!! As it'll be overnight and he's only there to help with the garden, just .. As you've said keep him busy whilst you do your thing. It'll definately assist with easing your stress level. 🙂

Ahhh yeah, Uncle plans to rebuild one end of my house lol!
The whole damage thing ....
My brother will be horrified lol.

Uncle plans to do ALOT here in 2 days.
Rebuilding end of home.
Doing some minor electrical work.
Tree pruning.
He's bringing his trailer to deliver timber to recipients of our Church Food Pantry who need firewood too.

He also thinks he can rip out our ancient ducted air conditioning piping and outlets and repair all holes they make by their removal in all rooms of the house - that alone will take DAYS.

Ambitious in 2 days by any stretch.

I'm thinking to ask Uncle if he wants me to employ a highly recommended Handyman to help him for a few hours on Friday.

It's ME who will be gardening with my gardener as the buffer lol!

I was in the garden for almost all of 12 hours today. I'm pooped!

Got stacks done, but you wouldn't be able to tell lol!

EM

[Guest_498]

That's not bad at all!! $150.00?? I almost fell off my chair!!! Send him to me, please!!!!!

[Guest_498]

Jeez Ems,
Your house sounds like it'll keep you busy, with tradies coming in and out to do work, for the next year!! A lot of work and maintenance required.
Upon moving home (its a two story townhouse, only 3 bedrooms), I had the walls professionally painted (3,500 - cheapest quote), downpipe & drainpipe replaced as water was leaking (I believe this was where they've set me up for attempted suicide. I contacted the Real Estate agent & they never responded), re-plaster of ceiling in garage, front door replaced die to broken glass, professional steam clean (this was to 'create' me neglecting housework & hygiene (real estate agents usually steam clean prior to tenants leaving), and a bunch of other lil' things I've had done. These repairs alone cost me a small fortune & my mind!! So, I understand the stresses associated with home repairs.
You are LUCKY to have family for HELP!!
My home is now in beautiful condition, except for the garage door which malfunctioned. I was quoted $900 to have that fixed. Arrgghhh.

[ecomama]

Bluberry said:That's not bad at all!! $150.00?? I almost fell off my chair!!! Send him to me, please!!!!!

I KNOW right?

Every person I asked the cost said around $700.... hence me putting it off so long.

Nope $150.. couldn't believe my ears.
And he supplied all the fittings and globes needed.
And he did a complicated split thing that other leckys wouldn't do lol.

What a freaking gem!

Google Temple Square Christmas lights... lol... that's what I'm getting next!
hahahaha just joking. BF and I spent a romantic time there at Christmas time one year.

Gosh I'm exhausted. Spent another hot day in the garden today. I actually had offers of help from some of my children! Gobsmacked. They are ACHING tonight! Now they know how I feel every day lol.

I cleared a whole section up front, filled my leaf mould to overflowing lol.
Put tree loppings up there into categories.
Moved clivias to shade, put agapanthus in full sun around Buddha. Looks lovely.
We used huge logs from the back to make retaining walls way up the front.
And cleared a full 2 stories of timber into 1 pile and brought up all the spindly stuff (up to 3m long lol) up to the balcony to burn in the chiminea.

We've been burning it in the chiminea for 7 hours and counting lol ... AGAIN lol.

I'm going to have to burn this stuff in the chiminea 4 night a week for ages. UGH.

We used all the decent sized branches to Hugelkultur the sides of paths, to prevent birds scratching right up underneath them - constant battle.

And bigger branches to swale on the low side of the fruit trees. Figs are budding yum!
I've never seen so many orange blossoms on our tree and there are still oranges to pick lol!
The swaling has made a huge difference to retain the water for the tree roots.

Pretty exciting for an ecomama lol!

We now have 20m x 10m more garden space in the back yard.... ready to fill up again with whatever we cut down next week. Lantana down the back is taking up around that amount of space again. Hopefully that will get cut down next week too.

I have Leave coming up in about 4 weeks and I can't wait to get more stuck in.

EM

[monkey_magic]

Hi EM, Bluberry, all,

Love that you are working your magic around the home.
I'm living with mum and she does all the green thumb stuff.
When I'm in my own place again I might do green thumb stuff.
Cars r expensive enough to maintain but houses...

I'm currently painting a waterfall ( paint by numbers) it arrived in the mail 5 mnths later. I love it. It's coming to life slowly.

I have an achey body without doing any gardening lol.

Hope 2day is a good one for you all X 🍀🌷🥀🌼

[Guest_498]

Good to hear youve worked on the garden again. You must be exhausted!! But youre plowing through it and can only get better feom here. 🙂 with your gardener next week, you'll soon achieve all your goals for your garden. And with uncles help, your house, too.
Time to rest up and take it easy today, I reckon. 'll check back in soon.

[ecomama]

Hi monkey_ magic, Bluberry, mocha and all

Well Mr Brush Turkey is doing his stuff and making a mound in his specific spot RIGHT in the middle of our garden right now lol. He's been at it for HOURS. I heard him and saw that he's brought ALL the leaves we put in other places, right back to where we'd cleared a 1 storey high pile of branches and tree debris yesterday.

Lol, oh well, luckily I love nature!

Yeah I'm thinking it could be 10y or more before I get my garden how I want it tbh.
But yesterday my psych friend dropped in and ended up staying and helping too lol!
I think it's the most wonderful thing to have psych feedback WHILST gardening!

I'm more than ok that it will take many years. I know that I "use" the garden and my busy life as a "relationship exit", meaning I can just say to myself and others "Oh I can't do that, I'm busy".

But dangerous for relationships but I'm really not happy to do that much with others.

I'm happy working in my garden.
But it was WONDERFUL to have help yesterday!!!
Things were achieved that I could never have done on my own. My son esp lifted around 30 heavy stumps up the steep slope to the front and this morning the terraces we made from them look AMAZING.

18 months ago I was being triggered so badly by being in the garden at all that I got vertigo.
The PTSD tumblings were horrific.

I still get them sometimes. I was triggered in a more submerged way by the gutter vandalism.
It came out and I understand now the triggers have "morphed" lol.

Father's Day has been a more contemplative, almost depressive trigger. Plus it's my "dad's" bday this week exactly on the day my Uncle (his brother) is visiting to stay.
"Dad" has been dead for decades.

My Uncle has helped me far more than my "dad" ever did.

Gardening is wonderful.
Creative.
Fun.
Pretty darned exciting lol!

I restrained myself from buying plants at Bunnings today. I have seeds and will use those.
I bought some cement glue to repair my fairy (broken) in my bird bath.
I bought that at the birth of youngest daughter and it was "hers".... the Fairy broke the week she disclosed her suicidal feelings.
When I saw the broken fairy I cried and cried and cried.

Events in our life can break us, but differently to broken cement Fairies, our scars can be used to help others. There's no empathy like life's experience.

I say to my kids :What do we do when life gives you sh**?"
And their answer is "We turn it into fertiliser".

Indeed we do.

Love to you all
EM

[Guest_498]

I'm terrible with gardening too, total brown thumb, I kill everything for some reason. Lol.
How are you holding up? I'm doing ok, I guess. I get bored but try to keep myself busy.
Victoria will be in lock down for another 2 weeks. 😞

[Guest_498]

Ems,
I've posted on my thread .. Today is a trigger for me. Not because it's father's day but a day of family celebration. I'm out of sorts today

[ecomama]

I'm sorry you're going to be in lock down for another 2 weeks. What have you got planned?

I just posted on your thread. Yeah I get it. It's great to get past it all though too. Push hard to birth yourself into your new world.

It gets pretty fun fairy tastic after a while!

But now you know, it's really good to plan for days like today. Doing a full self-care day is a really brilliant thing to do for yourself.

OR I HAVE THE BEST idea lol.... sow some seeds!

We have a gardening thread here lol. Novice gardeners who are very caring people like you, often kill their plants with kindness! Too much water.
They also often choose the wrong plants for their climate.

Have a look around the neighbourhood and see what looks great in other people's gardens and pots. That's a great place to begin.

Love EM