new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[monkey_magic]

Hi EM,

Well definitely enjoy everything now free from that abuse. What a calculated monster.

You've worked so hard and deserve all of what life has to offer now.

He was/ is just next level.

It really does sound like a horror movie.

Well done for having the strength to achieve all that you have. It's so admirable.

All of your lives are better now because of your brave choices. You've made some smart moves. And he is exposed for what IT is.

[ecomama]

Wow monkey_magic thankyou for saying all you said.

I could repeat every sentence back to you. I know you'll get there. You have to.

When left with no other choice but to keep fighting, we summons the strength, even if it's from a higher power - which I most definitely knew most days throughout all this.

I have the day off for one son's driving test. I hope he passes this time!

Another son bought his first car last night - bit of palaver as his friend can't find the rego papers lol... something else to sort out.

All good.

I'll get the ladder out to get up to the gutters again this afternoon to see what more I can do.
Our ceiling was flooding and now I know why.
So many of it's actions just leave me gobsmacked.

Evil takes pleasure in so much harm. That's something I never want to understand.
Living free of these distorted demons is taking a very long time.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

So glad you're rid of him now Ems - you've been through a lot, like a LOT!! and to now finally be free and happy with your fiance and children is a silver lining from something horrible. 🙂

Your property sounds absolutely beautiful and serene with the mountain views. It's your property and he can't take that away from you, thank goodness. Be content dear, and try not to be angry as he's really not worth that negative emotion (I try telling myself this every day). Like you said 'evil takes pleasure in so much harm'. Don't let evil get to you, they cannot win. Good will prevail

xx

[ecomama]

Thanks Bluberry, your words ring very true.

Well I did lose it this afternoon, well the most I've felt for a long time.

So much pressure. Everything happened at once and I know I hadn't dispelled the sheer frustration of more work up there in the roof and gutters and tank to be done.

I've done what I CAN do... but the rest will be up to tradespeople. It's too much atm.

Letter flying at me from all sorts and they've all supposed to be already sorted out, so there goes another of my 2 days off this week sorting those out with lengthy calls.

I'm so happy for my son he got his Ps today. Yay!
BUT his car broke down AT the place. Like right there in the car park. UGH!
I nursed it out of the car park to avoid a fine (eye roll) and we had to race all over town on foot to get oil, lots of water etc etc...
The Govt office's systems were down for hours and we couldn't get son's paperwork... some days I really can't work things out.

We got home and his car was STEAMING full throttle out of the radiator. omg. My poor darling son. His first day of his Ps and he can't drive anywhere nice.

I called the mechanic and followed his directions and son had to nurse drive it there and got lost, whilst I was following him ugh.

YD had a rotten day at school and was crying waiting for us to pick her up... ugh.

Now the "new" car other son already bought is ummm hard to get the paperwork for.

Seriously some days.

Good that son got his Ps though lol.

EMxxxx

[Guest_498]

Firstly, congrats on getting his license. Yay!!
Your day sounds hectic with car and car related problems. I absolutely hate those days. Whenever there are car problems, it seems to wreck your whole day!!! Ewww.
And, property problems are just as bad. I thought my home was going to cave in after the roof started to leak.
Both problems are as bad as each other. Leave your property for now and ger back to it when you feel less stressed.
I'm highly anticiparing Sunday for the announcement of easing off of stagw 4 restrictions. I'm looking forward to getting my nails & eyelashes done. I'm dying to simply go shopping. X

[ecomama]

Oh yeah, I'm sure the whole of Australia is waiting with baited breath for the announcement for you all, but not nearly as much as YOU all are!!!

CHEERS FOR VICTORIA!

I heard snippets on my Christian radio station this morning (very selective news stories lol 😏) and they were talking about the massive rates of job keeper in Vic. AND the wait....

Gosh things happen so quickly in my family.. so many people my own mind spins.
After dropping YD to work, I felt so depressed and exhausted (I left lots out believe it or not..)
I went to bed to have a nap. I just couldn't "do" any more of today at least for an hour.

While I was asleep my brother texted. He lives within walking distance and we only see him when he needs something about twice a year lately.

I waved crazily as he passed me in his car last week, his next brand new car lol and a brand new super duper stainless steel trailer with all the bells and whistles. He didn't see me. As per.

Anyway he texted that for my birthday (about a month ago but I wasn't expecting anything) he offered to pay for part of some electrical work on my home.... awwww. That was completely unexpected. SO he gave me the sparky's number to text lol.

Same son who's upset about his car broken down and can't visit his gf tomorrow for her bday now... needs so much electrical work done downstairs where he decided to live.
yeah same old... ex smashed 2 light fixtures completely off the ceilings down there. Plus other complicated stuff needs doing. I've set it all out in 4 stages.

Luckily I bought all the fixtures when I was working FT.
Money is getting pretty tight with changes and me going PT.
I'm getting that uncomfortable feeling of childhood poverty which is awful.

YD just needs support and me working FT is not good for her.
Plus I'm exhausted and need to do so much heavy work in the garden, yeah from all the ex's destruction. But I also neglected it during the Court cases for years, had zero time for that.
Plus the repairs to the house all over the house and entire property.

It's alot.

Back to work tomorrow. I have a really heavy 2 days, packed there.
And nights with the kids working. And the next new car another son bought already and no paperwork in order at all there. More insurances etc.

EMxx

[Guest_498]

I seriously can't wait to know what the road out is. Thanks for your support for us Victorians.
Your brother, although evasive, has your best interest at heart. ❤ I have no relationship or contact with mine. He let me down when I needed him through my trauma and asked him to report to the police about the drugging .. His response "I don't know anything about that". My mother told me that he did. Now neither of them know about it. What liars. I question why they're covering up for the hospital? Because it was my mum who switched the meds. Hes sticking up for my mum.
When I hit rock bottom, hes never offered me any money, and I never asked. I have cold, cold siblings. You're very lucky to have family around you.
I bet youre exhausted!!! Phew, at least you got through the day. Leave your home for now, dear...it'll just overhelm you. Take it one step at a time.
I'm finding it hard to edit my letter of complaint again, Ems 😞 I cant bear to work on it. But I just want to lodge already!!! Im anxious about it.

[ecomama]

Thankyou.

I know how difficult it was to face all the stuff I went through... I just ploughed through it and ended up with another source of PTSD.

Now I have a (very short) list of treats or self-care things just for me... I schedule one in before I do "the thing" only for an hour or a given start and finish time eg from 10 till 11am... then schedule in another self-care thing at 11:30am.

I do this twice on my 2 week days off. One in the morning. One in the afternoon.

Some are so heavy that I just do it on one day.

"the thing" is something like yours... stuff to do with Victim's Services, Law matters etc but that don't have an immediate due date.

I have something that cropped up yesterday for this week and I already dealt with it 2 weeks ago.
AWFUL. I have to do it all over again for no apparent reason but for incompetence on the other end.

Self-care things are:
* having a chai latte I make myself on the stove top.
* an hour in the garden
* making my bed nicely
* having a long hot bath
* doing my nails
* destaining my clothes lol.
* organising my jewellery or make up.
* phoning a friend at the end of the day.

I use "grounding exercises before, during and after.

This process works for me and I'm getting alot more dealt with.

I've pretty much had enough of it all after 6 years I'm telling you now. At least my PSTD is more settled though.

Love EM

I visualise all good things whilst I do self-care things that take time like stirring etc.

[Guest_498]

After 6 years of all the trauma & b.s ... You deserve to put it all behind you, not having things crop up here & there, forcing you to relive the crap nasty people subjected you to.
I would love to have my nails done again as self care time. Even with the announcement on Sunday, I'll still have to wait until salons get ready to open their doors. I've been doing a home-job hair dying. It gets quite messy. Argghhh.
How do I work on my letter and still detach myself from the trauma & remain grounded? I simply can't. At times I think I'm right but then a day or two later, the trauma reappears and I'm a mess yet again.

[ecomama]

The "how" you do this will depend upon what you need to help you.

If you have PTSD then it's emotionally detaching, without reliving it all over again each time may probably require a specific tailored program for you with a psych.

IDK.

I needed that this year - the PTSD became completely unmanageable. I'd reduced my life to so close around me and the PTSD waves were getting worse, not better.

If you're not going down the psych road (and even if you DO) then I strongly recommend Dr Joe Dispenza's works. I think the psych work helped get rid of the PTSD full on waves negatively affecting my life more rapidly but it was Dr Joe's works that really cleaned the emotional attachment out.

I still have the memories ofcourse but not the emotions attached. Barely any.
When I find a NEW thing demon did then sure I can feel a range of emotions from questioning the idiocy and destruction - to knowing - to anger but also to relief and happiness. All in 10 minutes lol. No dissociations which I'm grateful for.

In YOUR situation IDK which way you'll go with detaching.

I was mentioning my strategy to help you try to plan and contain the "stuff".

In reality you know this is not happening NOW.
We know it's in the past but we also know it happened to you, in the past.

Besides all the Court cases (which also compounded my PTSD and added more triggers for it)... doing the work on myself and within myself was very challenging. But the challenge I never saw coming was holding onto my progress, holding onto the Mental HEALTH I was feeling.

Being Mentally HEALTHY was such a new world for me.

Far too often it's "easier" to slip back into it all; the mind habits, the habits. The habits of circular thinking and ruminating over the past most especially.

You can imagine a tunnel you're in.
There's light at the end of it. No matter the outcome.
You are choosing to go into the tunnel for 1 hour to edit.

You can go outside of this tunnel and live your life as soon as the hour is done.

That's how I'd handle it.

Love EM