new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Same day update lol. 

My Counselling session tonight was very helpful. RP barking insanely at Miss Poss is NOT. Brb..

Seems like my body keeps score all too well. 
Weirdly my throat feels fine again tonight hmmm. 

So my throat problems began when I held back saying what I COULD have said, at that family games night many weeks ago. 
Then I had to NOT tell the kids about RPs tests. 
Then weeks of NOT even knowing what I needed to say to BF but I felt an elephant there the whole time... 

Then over the past few days I've had some not so comfortable conversations with the kids (they initiated them) which I answered as thoroughly as I thought necessary for them. These talks went in all tangents as it was mostly about the "dark era" of my legal battles to protect them. I was ok, didn't trigger but yeah, I knew these would come and here they are lol. 

All about my VOICE = sore throat. Body keeps score stuff. 
Being at ease with talking about all this with my C helped alot tonight. 

She was so happy about my IDEAS flowing, all things coming to this point, with Alexa and Yvette corroborating with me on this. It's pretty amazing how all roads led to this moment. 

I did rest in bed for a couple of hours today. Slept a little. 
Either side of this I listened to my new wondrous YT channels and easily got tons of housework done, it came easily and happily.

Really looking forward to work tomorrow. Huge things happening there. I'm super excited about it too! 
Oh my goodness I think Miss Poss has a baby in her pouch! Time will tell as she gets fatter lol. She's gobbling down apple AND banana (her fave). Soon our nectarines will be ready for them lol. 

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I wish you didn't understand from experience, EM, but I'm also kinda glad for the understanding. That's been me for years, unwilling to ask for help - 99% of the time asking for help has made things worse, not better. LM has spent our whole relationship encouraging me to ask and be willing to receive, and with him it's usually worth doing. Given his health he hasn't had the experience I've had - if he hadn't had help when he needed it, he just plain wouldn't be alive. It's only now, with me, he's seeing that lack of support in action. Even his supports have grown less helpful to an extent because hey, Blue will do it. He's at times blown away by how people so consistently drop me like a hot potato if I need anything. Yeah, counsellor too. Funny how I've heard a whole lot of nothing about rescheduling that appointment.

I'm comforted to read what you said about BF. Of course you need brain space and room for creativity. You have the energy and entrepreneurial spirit to make your ideas come to life, too. I hope he will understand and support that, and you can find a middle ground. Me, I need that brain space same as you, though in pretty different pursuits - LM and I have spoken at length about my needs and what he can do to help me get some time to myself. He went out with BM yesterday and I had a really good time out. I felt mentally recharged and much more keen to spend time with him again. He had a great time, too. We're working to make it happen more.

Interesting about your kids. I identify with some of it, some of it not so much. Special interests, checking timetables a million times, reacting badly to changes in plans, way higher empathy with animals than humans, super sensitive to noise... a bunch of other things we've discussed elsewhere. I'm trying to learn as much as I can about autism and the experiences and symptoms of others. It's so different for everyone who has it.

It does sound like your physical struggles are tied to things happening mentally for you. Very glad talking with your counsellor helped you feel a bit better and get some perspective. Letting yourself rest when you need to is another big breakthrough for you. It's good. I hope those big conversations with your kids don't catch up with you in bad ways. Take good care of yourself if they do.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, you know the whole "competency" and sheer bloody minded independence we've felt the absolute need to strive for all our lives? and yes I'll say it, because of our childhoods? 

Well those habits come to bite us in the bum about now, in these situations. We feel so damned uncomfortable asking for help in the FIRST place. How much time and mental energy it takes trying to squeeze ways in our minds of how we can just keep on doing it all ourselves. 
When simply put, we can't! No one could. 

It's never a good enough excuse for us though. 

So when we're finally spent to within an inch of our own existence and we feel sick at the feelings of vulnerability TO ask for help. We do. 
Then we're let down? 

It's the hugest repeated hollow cavern of disappointment there is. 

Yes, we've been "too good" at managing everything up till now. Yes, we can blame our childhoods. It's gonna be a long stretch to think doing this will EVER be, oh sure I'm happy to ask for help from everyone. 
Because we're not! 
Our actions may change in desperate times but our thought processes won't for x long. If ever IMHO. 

When you're drowning in the quicksand you just ask and ask and ASK and demand and do it until someone takes notice and responds. This was me during the Courts era. 

NO WOMAN is an island either. We know you're SUPER talented at getting the tough stuff done but you are still only one woman with one woman's energy and ALL the rest you're dealing with. 
I'm pretty angry about the Counsellor / their Office NOT blowing up the phone to keep you supported. 
I'd be frantic to get you in asap if you were my Client! 
Bf stuff in update lol. 

Love EMxxx

[ecomama]

Update: BF and other wonderful peeps in my life lol. 

Not sure when I'd last spoken with BF, perhaps almost a week ago? IDK. 
Spoke with him today and he LOVED the Elton John Concert I forced him to go to lol. The tickets were around US$400 EACH. Yeah I had to force him lol. 
BF, his D and SIL had a GREAT weekend out together, eating at fancy restaurants. BFs Motel points put them up in a room all weekend. They seldom ever get these opportunities away from their son who has Autism. Perhaps the last time was ONE night when they got married. 

They had a blast lol. 
This made me SO HAPPY. BF complained about the awful parking (costs) and the not so good acoustics in the Seattle Dome but it didn't dampen his enjoyment of it overall. He took a moment to realise he was breathing the same air as the Iconic Elton John awww. 

I now have a point of reference to remind him that effort and taking a chance can pay off and make him really happy. 

We spoke briefly about my Business idea. He's very supportive of it. I don't think he realises it'll take me away from talking on the phone as much, yet. But he will lol. 

Once the first idea came, then off shoot ideas came flowing also, around another one per day since! 

I can visualise it so clearly but I know for sure that Alexa will have brilliant contributions also. So I know the end product will be far better than I can imagine atm. 
Going with the flow. 
So happy her partner is really into building Websites and knows so much about that side of things. 

BF doesn't know it yet either, but we could even sell it to the U.S. and especially Canada. He lives near Canada, so we'll see. I believe once the Australian version is up and selling, that I could develop a version with these countries' cultures at the core. 
Gosh the potential is more mind blowing than I first realised. 

Off to make Nachos for dinner! 
Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

There's not much to say about your assessment of my situation other than you're 100% right. Very eloquently so. Spoken by someone who really gets it. Thank you for the validation.

Yeah, I'm not happy at all about this business with the counsellor. On the flip side, I'm just too damn tired to deal with it. I don't have even slightly enough energy to chase people up all the time, least of all given the truth of everything you said about the difficulty of asking for help in the first place. It's too much.

Great that BF went to see Elton John with some family and had a really good time. Great that he's supportive of your business idea, too. Of course it will take you away from the phone a bit - on the flip side, the quality of the time you spend talking together is likely to improve if you're doing what makes you happy. Just a thought. I'm enjoying your enthusiasm for this idea you have, even though I don't know what it is. Good to see my friend feeling positive.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, thank you for spending any energy you don't have to come to the forums and stay in touch. 

Hugs! 

Re: your Counsellor. Can you just call ONCE and say "I'm still waiting for C to call back after her late cancellation of me x days ago, SO could you please book me in now or do I have to wait longer for her to remember to call?"

Grrrrmph. It's nuts. 

Yes BF had a great time. It was GOOD to see his text to me saying he couldn't talk today because he needed to get to bed early. He has NEVER texted that. 
My bug bear with him when he complains TOO often about his life situation is "self-care" - on repeat. 
Happy he's TRYING lol. 

I agree! The quality of our talk time has already improved, TONS. Well from my perspective anyhow lol. 

It's just the way things have to be because I couldn't stand things the way they were. 
CHANGE. 
Stepping things UP here. 
I've become more selective in every way now. 

When something's worth my time for whatever reason, because I have agency now. Could even be the FIRST time in my life I've felt this empowered for this length of time. 
So I need this to continue for MY LIFE. 

Off to rearrange my bedroom more tonight. 

Had a BLAST with my new program this week!
Everyone who saw it at work was inspired and it brought out some really HEALTHY conversations. I'm so rapt about that. 
I'm planning to bring Brene to them all early next year in presentations for professional learning lol! 

Yep the idea is fully formed in my mind now. 
Doing some prep work here and there. After Alexa submits her Thesis AND has some desperately needed down time with herself, her partner and her family, we'll schedule some "meeting" times to discuss delegating tasks and move forward with it all. 
I estimate around 18 months till launch time. I want the other "arms" of the programs virtually completed to roll out around 2 months after that on repeat. 

It's going to be FUN creating this! The whole journey feels right. 
Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I just wrote a whole long message here and helpfully lost the lot. I know my spacial awareness to be ever-so-slightly off, which leads to often clicking just slightly off where I'm trying to click. In this case, that got me "paste" instead of "copy" in that drop-down menu with the very closely spaced tiny words. Not what I needed.

Re calling counsellor - phone calls (especially to anyone I'm not very close to) are top of my list of socially exhausting things that I have to force myself to do. I can manage it if a) it's not wholly unavoidable, or b) I'm in a very calm/healthy mental space. Neither of those conditions are met - it ain't gonna happen!

Great to hear your message of self care is slowly getting through to BF. You've now got a great example of a successful self care experience for him for next time he resists the idea.

You're sounding like me, pushing for change where you see a situation as not being sustainable or as good as it reasonably could be. It's good to be selective with your time and your energy. Minimalism at its finest. You're already seeing results - feeling better about your conversations with BF, seeing positive conversation springing from your new programme at work. No doubt this new business idea will be a force for good, too. It's already got you feeling good and inspiring your family. Great!

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey again Blue, 

Could you ask for an email address for your Counsellor? 
I get the whole anxiety about phoning thing. I really do. 
I had no issue about doing this AT ALL before the dark ages began with it who shall not be named lol. 
Then was forced into doing it for sheer survival afterwards for years during Courts.
THEN in the aftermath, as the craziness kept on. About then I set an "every second day after 2pm" aim for myself to make 1 call and 2 if I could cope. 

I guess we could call that exposure therapy lol. Drove me mad. 

Oh here comes Miss Poss for apple and I only just sat down with a fresh cuppa to chat! Brb..ok she's happy now lol. She LOVES old bananas, she got a cut up apple too. 

Sorry your post got lost, what a pain. 

Ahh yes BF. My C asked if I thought he was "ill" and I took it she meant mentally ill. I said yes. He suffers from depression but recently also has had dreams which he awakes from in a REALLY frustrated mood. I must bring this up with him lol... I called him "a bear with a thorn in his side" whenever he had to wake up before noon! 
Anyway he struggles with many things I got past in my teens. At the same time he's mastered so many things I'm not even going to attempt like all his hi tech knowledge. Nah. Not for me thanks! 

BF would probably do some fancy formatting for us with my idea, if need be. 

The funny thing is that YEARS ago when I met him and probably even before then, I was putting it "out there" that I need to have a Business that made it possible to claim travel lol. Then when BF moved to Washington State and THEN when I found out that Dr Joe Dispenza has his business a short distance from "our" apartment in Seattle.... I wanted this more than ever lol. I'd LOVE to attend one of Dr Joe's week long retreats, that would be such a highlight, even doing things like this on the regular is something I could become VERY accustomed to lol. 

I reckon it's coming together to make this happen. 
Had a great conversation with a tech worker in my "home" language today, gosh we LAUGHED! It's such a HAPPY language for me. 

Talk soon
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: things are always working out for me lol - my new best mantra! 

I listened to a podcast yesterday with this mantra on repeat, gosh it was funny to listen to. 

So when things may not look like they're working out for me, things are always working out for me. 

The strangest set of things happened yesterday and today. SO freaking weird how things are always working out for me lol. 

A "chance set of meetings" occurred yesterday. Remember Shep? Alexa's ex who was filled with nothing short of vitriolic hatred for me? Aha that one. He didn't even acknowledge my existence ALL soccer season long lol. 
What a silly man. 
I always expressed LOVE, compassion and support for him during his relationship with Alexa. 

When I found out how he ACTUALLY felt about me, I was shocked at the time, then I was 100% "meh" about him since. 

Yesterday he approached me and SMILED. I jumped out of my seat literally, my physical reaction to him. 
It was worse than Wednesday Addams smile. 

Oh and his BROTHER waved to me! 

I was like "WHAT?"

Yah what do they want? Lol. Oh I know what they want, whatevs. 

SO that's perfect I worked out today because I know that things are always working out for me!

Having these people in the mix will SUPPORT our business venture lol. 

Dinner's ready, bbs, 
Love EM
Long story. 

[ecomama]

Yay, things are always working out for me. I got to work from home today! Awesome. 
I HAVE already done some work and WILL actually do more work later on lol. 

It's POURING rain here! 
I can drive kids to work, buy some new steel capped work boots too. 

About to have a nap actually. 

EIGHT days until Alexa submits her Thesis. The clock is ticking and we've offered our support for whatever she needs to get through this week. 

Hopefully she gets it submitted before Hallowe'en because she LOVES Trick or Treating with the kids. 

I decorated the whole house Hallowe'en style before the boys' party lol. 
It looks ghouly in a FUN type of way. The grandkids LOVED it all lol. 

Nap time. 
Love EMxxxx