new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

First of all, I understand your triggers with regard to those things J* and I have asked or mentioned. I'm sorry those things were triggering, and I hope you know I always try to be sensitive to things I think will distress you (I would guess the same is true of J*). We won't always get it quite right, but we're trying. You're always able to say so if you aren't up to talking about something or if you need some time - I respect your boundaries.

I'm glad prodigal son's school and employers are all on the ball re covid and doing their best by him (however incidentally the school has done so). I think he's most of the way through his exams now, how many to go? Hopefully the weight is slowly coming off his shoulders.

I know you're on leave now for a little while. Guess what? So am I! We're on holidays together, EM! 😄 Here's hoping with the union on board that things will be less ridiculous for you when you return.

That said, how is Alexa doing? I know her surgery was complicated and worrying about her in the wake of it has been stressful for you. I guess you sorted out the permit to drive here to and from the surgery.

How is Yvette going with getting caught up on school stuff?

Any luck using the visual diary? I understand the exhaustion in working from home, I think it's more a mental exhaustion, having the boundaries between home and work life muddied, it's hard on a lot of people.

A lot has been happening on your thread, I'm struggling a bit to keep up. I do see that Alexa has a caring partner in her life now who is doing a good job of supporting her through everything, and that is great. And I see that chook palace has arrived, and I'm really happy about that, too. Great news. And you're gardening. Yay!

My visits may be sporadic at times, and I know I can't always keep up as well as I'd like to (I've been reading along, but forget a lot and get overwhelmed looking over everything when there's a big backlog), but I am here, and paying attention, and thinking of you even when I'm not able to immediately respond. Kind thoughts to you, friend, and of course sending songs from my Puffballs. (I currently have one Puffball upon each shoulder as I type.)

Blue.

[ecomama]

Dear Blue & J* ofcourse! I know neither of you would ever EVER intentionally attempt to trigger me. It never occurred to me tbh lol.

But in some ways there's a "healthy" amount of triggering necessary for me... I was thinking of the mother's present thing & felt horribly awful that THIS could all be triggering to J*.
I needed to get that present opening out of the way.
My sitch is nothing like J*s.

It's difficult to back track thru my history here - not bec of the triggers as much as the typing lol.

Any talk of my mother brings me to a slow, heavy breathing pace. There's more, but it'd be moderated out lol.

I totally understand you not being able to keep up with this thread Blue lol I can barely keep up!

Yes I'm so grateful p.son's school took that initiative. I'll confess our gratitude is very selfish. Not sure how the other students are coping with it, tbh I almost don't care - they're strangers to me, none have contacted p.son in ALL this time, so it's like "tough, it suits US & I'm glad of it!"
Yvette is doing school work - not as fast as needed.
Alexa DOES have a BF now. He seems REALLY sweet & extremely "innocent". Pretty much inexperienced in relationships. She's been very mindful of this, anxious even. I encouraged her to talk to him - they have. He seems so dedicated & committed to her, it's great!

Thank God Alexa texted that today is the first day in YEARS she hasn't had painful sharp pains.
I didn't think the surgery had helped, she had same pains before the anaesthesia even wore off. It was shocked all of us, including the surgeon.

My darling girl. Suffering so much all these years. I Pray the test results are all clear.
She needs this surgery every 6 months atm... there's other stuff to follow up too. Praying for miracles.

I'm SO HAPPY we're on holidays together lol!!
Pity we can't sip cocktails on a beach in Hawaii together dear friend.

I'm also happy to say the Chook Palace is UP! More work tomoz, mostly setting up inside - more on the Gardening Thread.

Yes I've done "art" (play lol), the paper curled up when I wet it but it's been fun!

You'll LOVE Fantastic Fungi, it's FASCINATING. I drew images from that show or tried to lol. So pretty!

I enjoyed my garden today & will do so again tomorrow lol. I cleared along the pool fence & found a paved spot! Did tons including feeding my fungus wood heap lol.

So keen to set up an off grid 'Tiny House' - So many GREEN things we can do now... amazing stuff.

Love EMxxxx hugs too

[Guest9337]

Greetings ecomama and friends, I had to take a break for a while and do other things so stopped reading and participating.

But like the tide I have returned back yet another day, waxing and waning like the moon that reflects sunlight around our globe, strobing through the clouds and revealing the crowds.

I'm told the Garden of Eden started in 1914, post ww1, has anyone else heard of that?

stay safe in the sun or the darks, let's play like larrikins.

onwards upwards downwards backwards left or right, we work with a strange delight, good night tonight, release your sorrow, a new day becomes tomorrow.

[ecomama]

Hey DnG, whatever pleases you.

Update: hard work, seeing a difference.

Having the Chook Palace with all it's little projects & ALL the other projects which spark some joy in me, are all coming in to sharp focus as other things are apparent that I have to let go of.

Alexa is doing one of her "being distant things". Pretty sure she's hit on raw nerves with her psych, about me. Sometimes I can SEE her trying to hold the cap on something boiling out of her. At times I've found out WHAT she's holding in, which was extremely horrifying (like you WOULDN'T believe) that she thinks I did & never ever would have, not Ever.
But demon / Shep told her disgusting things & convinced her I MUST have done this or that to "get rich".

Makes me upset she could even think this.
Also makes me angry that stupid, but cunning, ppl even dreamt this stuff up! Then pushed it down her throat.

I just SAVED my money, invested well.
I WORKED FREAKING HARD, cut costs everywhere I could. ALWAYS "went without".
I was already resourceful, became more so over decades.

THAT'S how I 'became rich', if that's what you'd call it. I don't!

I can feel suspicion growing again inside her. Horrible.

So I want to close down more.
Stay away from ANY thing that might hurt me emotionally. Not possible I know. But I want to.

I don't feel like talking to BF.
I can't believe he wanted to talk about a stupid little thing like "the Oxford comma" for AGES during MY day time! That was our last call.
I said your world has become so small that you are THIS concerned about the minutiae of a comma?? Like WHY??? Who cares!

I'm literally making decisions & doing HARD WORK to save LIFE & protect ourselves from serious harm, then COMMAS? Holy hell HUGE divide.

We can barely talk for the sirens here. Helicopters checking ppls back yards. It's a Gestapo state, I want to retreat.

Found out more about my work yesterday (without asking I might add) - it's shocking.
If I could run away & the kids would come with, I would.
But there's no where to run TO.
Just retract to my garden.

I'll see how my girls are settling in, maybe do more weeding.
2 more stumps to remove but doubt my back will cope lol.

Old Chook's shed is my new pretend Tiny House - Mama's Cubby lol.
Bring out my camp stove, washing up rack etc. USE this stuff for my own happiness.

When the going gets tough, the tough get gardening lol... NOW to grow FOOD, yay!

Time to get this show on the road..

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM (& all),

Glad you know we have your best interests in mind and wouldn't deliberately trigger you. I get what you mean about some triggering being "healthy" - life kinda forces us to deal with stuff, but we can only take so much of that. A little, tackled as we can manage it, can help us find a way through. It's a delicate balance though. I'm glad you have the business with the present behind you. It took courage to do that. No your situation isn't like J*'s, there's a really tough history to face for you with your mother. I understand your reactions to talking about her.

Yup, I get it, backtracking through a long and complicated story is hard work. Your hands are sore enough from typing for work, we don't expect more than you can manage, here.

It's okay to be glad about lockdown for prodigal son's sake. It's okay to be relieved that his hardship is eased by this. You can't always throw all your compassion to others, it's okay to have some for yourself - there's plenty of stuff that works out fine for others that screws you over, just this once it's the other way around. It's not like you're willing ill on the others, you're just grateful to have a break - any break, with anything. You have permission to feel that!

I'm glad you're seeing things in Alexa's new partner that you approve of. It helps to know your daughter is with someone caring and kind. I'm really glad to hear she has had a day without pain. Really hoping there are more of those to follow. It sounds like a long road ahead for her to overcome the struggles she's having. Fingers crossed for it going well. I'm sorry to hear she's now being distant and showing signs of recoiling from things said about you. That really sucks.

I'd love to sip cocktails in Hawaii with you, friend. Sounds fun. 🙂

Yay, chook palace! I'll get back to the garden thread when I can, I did see you had a lot of work to do, giving it some "interior decorating", haha. I can picture your dear chickens having a great time in there.

Sounds like your art was with watercolours, maybe? Fungi are a great inspiration for art, there are so many fascinating forms. Glad you had some fun with it as well as practical ideas for the garden.

Tiny house sounds interesting.

Running out of words to address more. Just know I'm listening, taking it in. Song from Puffballs.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Dear Blues, loving Puffballs songs lol, I always think of you all when I'm tending my chickens.

I can't tell whether the girls are excited or freaked out with their Palace. They'd probably be happier if we could've pulled their roosts from the walls & moved them in there, but we couldn't. I was able to pull their ladders down from the old shed today & can put them up in their Palace tomorrow. I noticed they avoid using the screen door as a ladder & FLY up to their roosts lol.
The more I set up around to wall them in a bit, the safer they'll feel.

Alexa - yeah I can tell when she's in her feels as she says. She's also in pain alot & faces more medical intervention which is NOT her thing at all.

P.son told me today that the HSC Final Exams are now starting AFTER the initial ones would have FINISHED, what a drama there! A whole month LONGER he has to pay rent, longer before he can move back permanently, longer before he can start work up here etc, it's horrible. Like pulling teeth in the longest possible way.

AND Yvette's boss called her tonight. She can't go in to work tomorrow. She worked a shift with a "close contact" of someone who's got Covid. The testing centres are closed until 8am Monday morning here. So I have to take her to be tested AND get tested myself. P.son has an exam that morning, I'll have to take him later that day. "Mitch" another son will have to take himself and his brothers that day too because I'll be "at work"!
We all have to quarantine until results return NEGATIVE lol.

I find out tomorrow if I've been rostered on "on site", if I have been?
Then I have to take more Leave.
Our boss won't accept anyone swapping or anything their day on site.

Yvette hasn't been feeling well the past few days, neither have I tbh, temps, stomach upset, a bit of a cough and feeling really sleepy. That's all though, we should be fine.

Yes watercolours 🙂 tonight I used difft coloured pens to write RAINBOW in block letter and dot rainbow colours inside the letters (I saw it on YT lol).

Tiny House / Mama's Cubby got a good clean out today. I levelled the soil inside, not sure how to deal with the floor though. A water tank is outside one wall, I really need to clean it down. Also want to fix holes in the roof. Moving all my non electrical garden tools in there would be ideal & central to the back garden too. Empties out the garage a bit too!
We're getting a Council pick up soon, so much rubbish!

Clucks from the girls
Love EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Hey Em,

Sounds like tough times for you indeed my friend. And yeah, not gona be over soon, and only one way out, really. It really sounds like a police stae over there! Horrific! I just wish that everyone could play it safe, for everyone else's sakes, and stay at home. There's so many reasons to legitimately leave home tho that it will continue anyway. It's the children and the young ppl I really am concerned for.

Hey! I got a lovely mental pic of you boiling the kettle and making a cuppa while you work in the garden- gorgeous! Maybe even a hammock strung up for a nap!! Hope the chookies are happy and thriving, and you can stay sane in the madness.

Hard work ignoring Alexa's process- stay strong! You guys will work it out in time. Maybe she's learning not to dump it on you, if so great!

We can't help what ppl say about us. If ppl know us, they will work it out. Heck, I know you well enough to see both the hard work AND the frugal lifestyle, making sacrifices and going without....Makes complete sense from where I'm sitting...

PS your comments re mother and present aren't triggering me. Who gives their grown daughter a towel for her birthday??? No, not like my sitch at all, as you have so wisely observed. I AGONISE over what to give my d, and usually collect beautiful expensive things for some time before I gift.

Hope Alexa comes through this soon, stay strong,

Love

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*, I'm glad to hear those comments about mother here aren't triggering for you.
A towel? hahaha it WAS new btw which is something different. I was what the? at the fluoro green ruler lol.

Do you know before I was old enough to work - maybe 10yo or so.. my mother said the ONLY thing she wanted for presents was expensive French Perfume, my heart sank. It still does. (I do and say SO many things the opposite to my mother to my own children).

As no one helped me get presents for my mother, I'd save ANY MONEY I had to buy her nice things. The only time I ever got any money sometimes was through a birthday or Christmas present altho that was rare. Still the same I'd save it to buy her presents. I bought her a beautiful satin nightie once (amongst other things) and got beaten for it.

I got a job the MOMENT I turned 14. Got about $10 per weekend's work (lol).
From the moment I got a job, she said I had to pay for everything with my own money AND 50% of my income towards board. That included all my own socks, underwear, shoes, school fees, uniforms - everything. I only wore hand me downs mostly anyway - luckily.

I worked every day during all school holidays, only Sundays off, from 14. EVERY single Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day, Birthday I'd saved enough to buy her expensive French Perfume, ONLY the ones she demanded I buy.

After 10y of doing this she abused me for doing this in front of my entire family at Christmas time. So I left immediately (in my car) & went to work, helping my cousin at a Funeral Parlour of all jobs on Christmas Day. No pay, just because I loved my cousin.

I think I only ever really wanted her to love me.

Do you know what I say to my children, when they ask me what I want for my birthday?
I want to spend TIME with them. If they can give me the precious gift of their TIME, I'd be the happiest mama on earth. So they do.

How could anyone abuse a little innocent child that only wants to be loved? Rhetorical question lol.

I love how you're not giving up on your daughter. It's so sweet that you select gifts so thoughtfully. It's nice how you only buy expensive gifts lol. I'm laughing because THAT'S the opposite of my own mother.

I Pray the rift is healed between you and your daughter and you can re-unite. That she sees the beautiful woman you are and knows you love her.

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: triggers.

"Triggers" atm are sparking memories, "taking me back" to that memory and others connected to it. Not like full C-PTSD triggers I used to have, which were horrendous.

I've had a few the past few days. I found an old oyster shell clump in my garden. Papa BT has scratched so much soil down, it was exposed (we live near the waterfront). I held it in my hand all eroded and worn and knew what it was instantly.
Then I remembered being with my Nana on the waterfront a way away. She'd tell me to get in the water and shuck oysters for her to eat straight from the rocks. Camping with the whole extended family, memories of us all being together (not happy lol just together).

Spoke with Aunty N this morning - which is rare. She'd sent me a FB text of the Covid alert that included my children. It was a kindness as she knows I'm not on FB. So I called her & she answered which is also rare.
We spoke of that and the oyster shell and pelicans. Apparently Nana had said she'd come back as a pelican lol.
Aunty is passing this story down to hers, that's sweet. I'm not.

I learnt alot from my Nana and Pop, coming back as a pelican wasn't one of them lol!

I was triggered by issues with the guttering - demon had put potting mix in all of them, tennis balls PUSHED into down pipes, causing major issues.

Slowly but surely, it's being repaired by me. It's hard processing how someone could hate me THAT much to do such awful things to me & the children, mostly the extreme abuse I think of there.

I miss my Counsellor so freaking much.
I hope she's well in the U.S. and having gentle times with her family. Tbh I'm not sure if she will come back. I sense her marriage has broken up, not sure, just a sense.

BF is in Utah now. "Our" state. Only spoke with him briefly, to let him know we're ok. Can't talk with him atm. He's driving me nuts with such insignificant things that I can't stand it.

I'm undecided whether to JUST take more leave or to find out more about rosters first. This seems insignificant to me too - which is more concerning that most else.

Usually I care very much about my work. I do care about the clients - VERY much. Just not the political bs that's going on and on, also driving me nuts lol.

Alexa is buying us food today. Today was "big shop" day but we're quarantined. I have a brief list but 3 of everything lol 3 x 2L milk, 3 loaves of bread, 3 UHT milk etc, so it's a LOT!

I'll have to work out how to get delivery food. Not today tho.

EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

We'd love to be out there with the chickens. I can hear their clucks. 🙂

Pity you couldn't get their roosts moved into the new palace. Here's hoping that won't be too big a stumbling block and they settle in soon. Possibly without the screen door, doesn't sound like they like that much.

Pain and stress over medical stuff won't be making the "feels" any better for her, I'm sure. Still hard to see it for you though, I know. It's something for her to work through with her psych.

Sorry to hear about prodigal son's situation, it must be really stressing him out.

Gah, now the need for covid testing for everyone, that really sucks. Do you know yet if you'll have to take more leave? If you haven't been feeling well, it may be necessary. Hopefully nothing more than a normal winter bug. You've been worked into the ground for some while, it's not unusual to get sick the minute you have five seconds off, in that situation. Used to happen to me very regularly before I heavily dropped my work hours. Also, don't be hard on yourself for not caring much about work right now, you've got a full load already!

Love that you got to play with some watercolours, and did some fun lettering. I've been drawing some cartoons, based on the style of an artist I like who draws humorous images about stuff in the Warhammer 40K universe (it's a tabletop game I play). Really having some fun with that.

How goes Mama's Cubby? I like the concept of it. 🙂

I can really see the hurt in your words about your mother and presents. What a monstrous way to treat you, I'm sorry you endured all that. (*big hugs*) I'm reminded of a related (but rather more pleasant) memory with my mum. Can tell you if you like, but don't want to ramble mindlessly if that's unhelpful to you. I love that you tell your kids you want their time for a present, not physical things.

Sorry too, to hear of all the triggers lately, family memories and maintenance stuff that wouldn't be necessary without demon's spiteful behaviour. I can only imagine how hard it is, trying to get through all this without your counsellor. Is someone not taking up her work with her being away so long?

I hope BF starts understanding soon that you just can't talk about small things right now, that it does more harm than good. He may be making a clumsy attempt to take your mind off the heavy stuff.

Glad about Alexa getting groceries for you. One less stress.

Outta words, as usual. Song from Puffballs.

Blue.