new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dearest Grandy of COURSE!

You have never hurt me, I doubt you have the capacity in your gentle heart and soul to hurt anyone! Never intentionally anyway.

I have cried WITH you but not because of you.

You Grace these forums with the energy of a Fairy Godmother lol, waving your magic wand and pouring love into the wounds of every single person here. Just like Jesus lol!

I see your name and instantly feel all warm and cuddled. Like a great big burst of warmth and caring and LOVE and compassion and understanding comes bursting out of my screen!

I want to be just like you when I grow up.

I love you so much and I thank you so much for being such a source of pure goodness in my life.

Love always
EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hi Em, Blue, J and all reading...

really enjoyed the discussion here...

stuff about schemas flies over my head, i lookd up a little bit the four-to-five that i was suggested may work for me, but the doctor also said very clearly that it's not a diagnosis or a clear anything much just a starting point, working with other methods,etc

Lovely to see the support here but understand these forums pose stresses at times, hope everyone is okay and moving through any stresses.

Sorry to read about how the lockdown is impactd u and also seems to be continually extended. Its a lot and not easy. I'm worried about it all on a national level. the impacts for so many vulnerable ppl.

xx

[ecomama]

Dear Sleepy and everyone,

yes the triggers were for real here last week. Moving on and flooding my thread with positivity I HOPE.
OPTIMIST lol. you'll see why I wrote that on your thread.

Well I'm leaving off the worst Trigger Warning stuff. two things IRL, pretty disturbing. Doing my best to Armour up and decide on a plan of action for one. the other one I have zero control over, except for Prayer.

Schemas - yeah. Very technical language and even more technical definitions I've found. Really tricky to understand, so much so my own Counsellor won't go there lol!
And she's BRAVE sticking with me for so many years, like REALLY brave lol!

She's taking a HIATUS by going back "home" for 3-6 months! To America.
Tbh that was probably another trigger overlapping the others last week. Too much.

My bosses HEARD me and it's like wrangling cobras all at once. Reduced ONE case load to a THIRD, increased another 7 x what I had.
Then added kind of higher level stuff as a NEW thing.
Gee thanks. Not.

Such resounding positive feedback to the higher level stuff that THAT's now gone through the roof.

I can only do what I do.

I logged off only 2 hours after hours today then went and ANGRY gardened for a while. Grrrrr.
And not about WORK but about the TW stuff.

I'd trigger Blue with the action one. It's disgusting.
I'd trigger the whole world with the other one.

So I'm having Counselling again tomorrow and hope we can get through those.

If I used my thread to disclose them here, I'd be SO cryptic that it'd be nonsensical as it is now lol.

What I'll do when my C is AWAY omg.
Journal only.
Pray.
Garden I guess.

Work harder? Umm not humanly possible tbh.

Dinner's ready, I have a headache tonight.
Need sleep.

Talk soon!

Love EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Dearest Em,

Still here, still listening.

Amazing isn't it- the 'god factor' working in all aspects of our lives. Whatever one calls it, there is something larger than us at work in our lives!

Love you guys, love your staunch dtermination and wild cat fierceness to protect and nurture the vulnerable.

Be here, when you need me,

Love

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Dear EM,

All this love! You'll forgive me if I say it less liberally than you, it's a real work in progress for me. I guess I'm one to show it more than say it. You'll know it by how I treat you.

Yes, parenting styles have changed a lot since we were young. Even so, we really got the short end of the stick. As for imagining being there with Mini Me... I have a vague picture, but it doesn't come with any real connection or empathy. My gut reaction is "It's a child. (*shrug*)". A form of dissociation, perhaps, I dunno. I objectively get everything you're saying but find myself emotionally detached from the idea of applying it to myself. With my birds, sure. They're separate, and also not human.

Yes, we certainly have deficits to fill. My disconnection now is a real indicator of it.

I too am interested in how you and I did not follow predicted trajectories. I see the things that helped you. In my case, little extended family and superficial contact at best with those, and I am devoid of faith or prayer. Cynicism and sheer bull-headedness got me through a lot of it. I realise in its absence I became the things I needed for myself, approaching and into adulthood - solid, reliable, dependable, morally consistent, a provider, etc. Granted, a steep learning curve involved.

Re people pleasing - you faced physical danger when you didn't, it's hardly surprising that trait developed. I may have been told off if I didn't tow the line, or verbally abused by my peers, but it was no better or worse than being largely ignored by my elders or the same abuse from my peers in either event, so no harm in leaning into self-interest.

Yup, exploring Schemas could take a very long time.

I agree about delayed gratification. I did have a period of credit card debt at one point, one does leap at instant gratification for a time after a few years of being half-starved and without a hot shower at home. I quickly discovered, however, that instant gratification = slightly delayed worse poverty, so I switched that up before too long. I certainly was expert in shutting down how I felt about going without. And I have likewise heard a lot of "I wouldn't do that" re my methods for reaching goals.

I agree also about pets. We who have been neglected and abused are suckers for those vulnerable little innocents. I can't shut down on them like I can on humans.

Kind thoughts and a song from Puffballs.

Blue.

PS Hi to Sleepy, J* and everyone.

[Emo]

Hi Ecomama,

I'm so sorry that I haven't replied to your earlier reply to me but I've been struggling with some ill health. I'm also very sorry that your thread is no longer the comforting and supportive place it used to be.

I found posts triggering myself. I hope that you will return to your thread to be wrapped up in the love, care and concern of others.

I've also been very concerned with you not having a counsellor after your counsellor heads overseas. I know how hard it can be dealing with everything by yourself. I luckily have the support of Beyond Blue I believe which has saved my life.

Is there anyway that your counsellor can arrange for you to see someone temporarily in her absence? You always have so much going on that I think it could be helpful to have some backup.

These are only suggestions and please don't feel like I'm telling you what to do as I say this from a place of love. I just truly care about you as I often read your posts and see the strength that you possess and I hope to one day have even a little bit of that strength in my life to stay alive.

I miss that lovely banter that all of the regulars on your thread had with you and you are always so welcoming to new posters as long as they come from a place of understanding and concern for others and the delicate balance between voicing your thoughts and being mindful of what might trigger others.

I'm still struggling with that last one myself. Its hard when you're in the depths of despair and your word filter is broken.

Sorry this is a longer reply than I thought but I'm just concerned about you. I hope your family are going well with lockdown still.

We've just gone into our sixth lockdown. You don't realise what you've lost until its gone. I really miss my freedom to go where I want to when I'm allowed.

I'll leave you in peace now. All the best and I hope you find your way safely back to us soon.

Regards,

Emo.

[ecomama]

Hey J* THANK YOU, right back at ya lovely lady lol.

Faith, wow it's a huge thing for me.

I've been listening to "Holy Spirit you are welcome here" (YouTube) on repeat when I get time in the garden WHICH I AM TAKING lol. I love the rendition where there are 3 teens in a train station I think, they sing which such LOVE in their words, their smiles, their demeanours.
Beautiful.

I just texted my Bible study teacher and asked him about Sabbath service tomorrow.
Hopefully I can watch it in REAL TIME.

Hope you're doing well.
Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, LOVED those songs from Puffballs lol. Keep em coming!

Parents huh?
Just another thing we could pick apart to analyse for the rest of our lives!

I've been listening to a Podcast, maybe his name will be edited lol... Duncan Trussell, and it's really interesting!

One thing he was talking about with another person was how research has shown that SOME qualities are passed down - for example it takes 3 generations of entrepreneurial skills before that 3rd person / generation can really take it sky high.
Food for thought really.

I am very sorry you didn't have all encompassing extended family to nurture and care for you during your childhood. Many things have gone by the by. It has for my own children now. They know NO ONE older than me in their family, except for my mother, whom they have such little contact with it's negligible and dare I say unstable at best if they do.

Nurturing is really important. You're showing every single day how you can love, care and nurture your Puffballs. IDK about you, but I find loving my pets and having their company very important and healing. EVEN when they make a terrible mess! Oh lord, do I have a horrid mess to clean up still... from moving my chickens out of the laundry!
I did 3 hours scrubbing outside on the front porch etc last night, erghhhh.

You'll be HAPPY TO HEAR that I bought a CHOOK PALACE online for them yesterday lol... well I bought it but Alexa is paying me back.
It's MASSIVE. Galvanised steel, 6 metres x 3 metres and 2 metres high, with a ROOF and lockable gate.

Blue I just want to cry to you about what's been happening.
Alexa and I are devastated. I can't tell the younger kids.

I feel ill at the thought of telling you, so I won't. Maybe skip the ***TW*** post I write later.

I LOVE how you've been able to develop your moral compass. my mother was more of a "do what I say but not what I do" in that area lol. Good grief.

But even that I find, sometimes, directs our own development.... ie saying to ourselves, I didn't like THAT that i saw my parents do, soooooo I am NOT going to do it.
What else could I do instead?
Then decide.

It's SO MUCH nicer being a grown up. lol.

Love EM

[ecomama]

thankyou Emo and thankyou for coming back in here and sharing. Hugs.

I Pray for you all the time. if only we could press a button and all healing was done. Love to you in this extra challenging time.

Thankyou for your suggestions about my Counsellor.
Yeah I as SO HAPPY for her when she told me.
Then the next day I though Oh crap.
Then thought How selfish of me lol.
So I'm happy for her still of course but Oh crap.

She began seeing me weekly. But I think next week is the LAST for a long time.

Tbh I doubt there'd be anyone in her Office with any available openings.

In the past I've always been able to speak with her Head Psych, if my C was on leave. Not sure about for 3 - 6 months tho lol.

It'll be very interesting how I go!

IDK I feel I really need to find other things that help co-regulate me, not ppl.
People stink so much some times! Stink BAD.

I'm going to be an old lady with a LONG grey plait, a straw hat and my steel capped boots in the garden, surrounded by lots of pets!

My poodle is here beside me on the balcony as I write. he's snoring away and grunting every now and then.
Then all of sudden he'll sit straight up, listen then BARK his head off!
He goes mental at the possums in the tree tops. My balcony is right there at the tree tops.
Sometimes you can see the possum just staring directly at poodle with an I dont' care about you attitude, all the while the barking gets crazier lol.

BEFORE poodle they would come on the balcony railing and take fruit from my hands.
If I didn't get up quickly to get them fruit, just kept on working at my laptop, they'd actually walk behind my shoulders.
If they got REALLY impatient, they would walk across my LAP.

little darlings.

I hope you're doing well Emo,
love EM

[ecomama]

Sorry about typos, my hands are swollen, my mind is tired.

My work morphed into a mix of 3 levels UP stuff that's well above my pay grade.
Strange, I'm the only one on staff diagnosed with C-PTSD and the only one seeming to be holding it together at "work". I'm good at managing crises apparently. Ok.
I'm doing SO MANY other ppls work, it's ridiculous.
Ppl at work have lost their minds. Abusing colleagues & speaking badly of clients via email. Ewww that gets me. Colleagues are feeling threatened BECAUSE they were pretending to be able to do ABC but clearly can't!

I've been NOT telling anyone here some of the other things happening IRL on purpose.
I doubt I could go into detail even if I wanted to.

Here come the ***Trigger Warnings*** Online targeting. Reporting to RSPCA and Police. Illness due to vax.

My neighbour (a friend) phoned me a few nights ago, first time in maybe 18 months.
During the convo she told me she knew who was taking our chickens and what that person told her she did with them.
It's a police and RSPCA matter.

It brought so much grief, shock, fear for me & the ACs.

This evil person and / or her buddies have trespassed on my land.
Proof - anonymous letter.

Yvette has been targeted online.
They have to be 70yo WOMEN!
So if Yvette can screenshot it all, I've asked her and she hasn't done it, then I can contact the police.

Physically, one woman has stalked my children, yelled abuse at them, come to my front door, screamed abuse at me, made threats.

I've had to have my chickens "babysat" until I can get as much security as possible here.
Take them 2 by 2 to ppl we know to be kind and can mind them for approx 3 weeks.

I ordered a massive STEEL Chook pen online.
I booked a Handyman who's at the ready to help erect it all the moment it arrives.
He came this morning & worked with me for 2h.

CCTV Must be repaired. ASAP. I'll use the fence money and Pray!
Leaving my sensor SPOT LIGHTS on all night. Maybe get MORE installed.

Next bad thing.
My Uncle had the vax & has been extremely ill ever since.
I won't get into arguments or discussions about the vax or freedom of choice.

I just want my uncle to be as healthy and well as he was BEFORE the stuff went into his system.
I'm angry.

I'm "nice" up to a point.
I'm beyond that point.
Now I'm ANGRY.

Ppl are turning on each other and it's disgusting. It could be just what certain powers want.

Praying for protection and sense to reign.

EMxxxx