new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hello D&G and welcome back! It's lovely to have your fresh set of eyes reflecting on the posts here.

No Trigger Warning necessary... but definitely a "Spoiler Alert" as you continue reading my Thread here.
I was going to tell you earlier, but it was a bit sad, so I waited but feel I should tell you now... Mara left the forums a while back.
Sorry.

I absolutely encourage you to explore any posts and delve more into them in reflection with us all left here (and yet to read in the future of course). A different perspective is always welcome.

Yes indeed, most ppl I've spoken with had only related PTSD to returned soldiers etc.
Thankfully the understandings have widened more in different sectors of our Community.
It's incredibly interesting for me.

Anyway better get on!
I'm in the middle of an Online Course as part of my Working From Home stuff, so I need to finish it.
Which I am LOVING by the way lol! The WFH part, not so much all the online Courses! Hahaha.

It's good, perfect timing for our entire family tbh, so we're happy.

Nice to see you here again, it's pretty special having a newbie come in here and I'm very grateful for your presence.

Just as I am grateful for you ALL!
Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM (& J*, Sleepy, Tayla, Croix, Paws, D&G, etc.),

They are so very cute. Sir Pecks is on my shoulder singing his little heart out as I type. As for ADD, you may be like me in that or you may not. There is plenty of information about it and online tests to give a pointer as to whether it's worth seeing a professional to make sure. I mostly use a site called Totally ADD which is quite funny but also has really good information.

Sensory sensitivity is strongly associated with ADHD among various other things and is certainly a factor for me. It's something you'll also find a bit about on Totally ADD if you check it out. Again, not assuming you have ADHD, but it's a good starting point for information if you want it.

I'm glad you're managing to get more sleep these days, it is so important. Yeah, my reaction to the meds is concerning. From what I've read it isn't a common reaction but is documented. Possibly a reaction to too much dopamine, possibly something else. I have read since then that stimulants for ADHD can worsen PTSD symptoms (not that I have a diagnosis confirming PTSD, but it's something I deem likely and worth taking note of). I've been off them some while and still feel pretty fragile and easily set off balance, unfortunately. Re dosage, I was started off on the lowest dose available with that med. Sigh. The new meds are SSRIs, more in the AD camp, and unlike you I have had success with ADs, it may have a better chance of working though I'm admittedly not in a huge hurry to start them. You may be right that you're not in the clinically depressed zone, it seems your sadness at times is more than reasonable relative to your life circumstances.

Haha, anyone would think I knew you, or something. Glad you are able to tie the triggers to something and make sense of them. You're doing fantastic work, and I know it is hard.

I'll keep an eye out for that update.

I can imagine home schooling being quite a boon for you all. I'm very glad for you. Good for your family, good for Poodle, good for your feet! I don't doubt you'll adapt just fine to changes at work, however long the lockdown lasts. You're nothing if not adaptable.

I'll keep you updated on the meds when I'm ready to try the bloody things. Kind thoughts to you and everyone following along.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue!

Yeah do I know you? hahaha, you NAILED IT with my stuff about driving down South.
So much triggered there, took me days to work it out as far as I needed to.
Even memories of after my parents' divorce and mother driving us up from down there for HOURS in those days no air con etc, only to wait ALL day for father to think it was clever doing a no show, on repeat.

Interesting venturing into those memories. At least those stones were turned over now. Done.

Hmm those meds are worrisome. I wish you all the best luck for the next trial when you're ready.

I don't need to get a diagnosis of ADD / ADHD. A diagnosis wouldn't benefit me at all.
Besides, I'm with you re: who can you trust to diagnose anything?
Btw I wrote a long reply on your thread and and hour later it's STILL not up there, so it could've been gobbled up.

I validated your experience with infidelity 100%. Hope it turns up!

Not sure when I'll do an Update, got so much on atm.
Taking p.son's Winter school pants up on the hem soon and needs to be done.
Plus up till almost 3am last night with driving kids after work shifts.
Then up early for more work shifts.

They work SO MUCH during Lock Downs.
Thankfully Yvette was / is trying to balance that somewhat. Although she's taken 3 day's in a row of 8h shifts.
She said she finds it easier to do that when home schooling.

I'm Working 3 days this week on site. Should be interesting.

I'm trying to think things through as thoroughly as I can about making an offer to Alexa soon. It's about her housing anxiety.
I told her we'd crane a caravan into our back yard if there was ever a crisis for her, she felt better after that.

There IS a housing crisis here with lots of her friends moving back in with their parents. Even those with a husband and 4 kids!

I'm thinking to offer "If you can save $20k & I save same, we can build the cabin or begin to, then she can live there on less than half rent". It's complicated but she wants to save for a deposit for her own home. She's lost ALL motivation since house prices have sky rocketed here, she's almost depressed about it.

THEN over time I could pay her $20k back and adding to her own savings living in the cabin, she may have a decent deposit?
The low rent is good for me, gives me the Tax options to start off anyway.
BF thought it was a nice idea.
What do you think?

Conundrum plus lol.

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Seems likely. Yep, I can see why that sort of stuff would be triggering. No kid needs that crap. It's good you can look the memory in the face and call it out though. That can be hard work.

Yeah, could have done without that experience. Back to the drawing board. Fair re trusting anyone for a diagnosis. I still recommend the site for info though, I found it insightful and interesting. A lot to explain why the CEO of my executive functioning is a mad squirrel.

No sign of your post on my thread, sadly. I won't post on here now without copying and pasting every post into a document, to be kept until it appears on the site. I've lost so many posts for no apparent reason, and make sure I can easily replace them.

I appreciate the validation, I've been thinking on that topic a bit recently and how it ties in with everything else and how badly I took it. Might expand on that in my PTSD thread, it's too meandering for here.

No rush, I know how much you have on your plate.

I can imagine your kids having a lot of shifts now, fast food fits in the essential services category and being in that category myself, I know how bloody hard I work when there's even a hint of worry, never mind a lockdown. People panic, they melt down, and things get weird.

Scary to think of people being forced back into parental homes with their whole families. I can certainly see why Alexa is stressing out about that. On the face of it, your offer to Alexa seems sound. I say as long as it is sustainable and doesn't put you in hardship, why not? She can get on her feet for future home-ownership, you can get started on the cabin, and you can ease your worry for your daughter's wellbeing whilst also giving her an option that won't undermine her sense of independence (i.e. still paying for things and working toward a better long-term solution). Seems like a win-win to me.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Yes indeed "getting over" the infidelities in my past marriages AND my parent's M too - making this part of that Schema stuff, is massive.
If BF did anything remotely like that, I'd be done with NC to follow.
The comforting thing about us is that he feels exactly the same way as I do.
His very first serious GF did that to him and he was totally disgusted in her & repulsed by her from that moment on.

Thanks for that feedback about the Alexa / cabin idea. I value it!
It's complex explaining all the Tax implications etc and how that "income" could impact other sources of income atm.
Basically it could be the optimum "window" of opportunity in timing, to do this with the least negative financial impact on me, then say in 10y or other options. Same for Alexa, but positive financial impact.

I had wanted to build the Cabin with my own money, no loan or mortgage extension. WISHED to anyhow.
Also I can't Lease it to the Open Market without all the boxes being ticked, but to family I can whilst I continue to do things like build internal fences etc.... for me that's a win, IF I can do it. Lol. So in a way, although I'd be saving her rent to pay her back what she contributed in a lump sum when she's ready to buy, the negative gearing can begin which helps alot.

Etc.

YES the kids have more shifts as per. They ran out of popular stock today bec so many customers have been buying over the weekend. More than usual! All spending their Out & About Vouchers lol. No not all, just alot and why not too.

P.son's shifts have gone down to one shift per fortnight bec they know he's up here, which is great.

I better go, dinner's in the oven and I just remembered ooops!
Love EMxxxx

[Guest9337]

Evening ecomama. I am really appreciating your welcome here thx! I'm up to about half of page 4.

Looks like you have a large family including many children and unfortunately are, err, too close to criminals - trying to be tactful there.

I am living less than 2km from a man who particpated in doing something nasty to me, and less than 2 km away from a convicted crim who has threatened the life of family members. breathe dng, breathe.

Anyways, I wanted to invite you into my anti-movement thread tonight especially because I am publishing a line by line analysis of an Australian Youth Training Centre Rules... kinda hoping a mama who writes well will appreciate the topic.

it's a fly in fly out visit from dng.

[ecomama]

Hey DNG, welcome back lol.

Well done YOU reading beyond page 4 of this thread lol!! What an achievement that is.

An "anti" movement thread? Heavens.
You know what some people say, invite me to a peace rally and I'll be up for it.
Anything with "anti" in it, perpetuates the thought.

Just giving you the heads-up... I think I've raised one of the biggest stirrers on earth.
My kids are all into supporting all sorts, but maybe I should read up on your thread initially lol.

I'll see if I can!

Yep! Lotsa kids and it's wonderful!

That's a pretty unfortunate position to be in, living so close to those 2 entities.
Have you reported to Police yet?
As you'll read on in my thread (if you can follow each train of action that is lol), I've had to report to everyone possible.
And still have recording apps on mine and all of our phones here, Police insisted.

Next is what I haven't updated about... due to the chameleon type nature of demon, I was shown a group photo the other night, 3 in fact. I could not see demon in ANY of these photos, almost no matter how hard I tried. The person insisted it was in the photos.
omg how much that creature has changed.

If I hadn't seen these photos (and I still can't quite get my head around the features), then it could've passed me in the street and I'd never have known.
It changed address 17 times in less than 3 years.

But the recommendation is for us to all purchase dash cams now.
Having CCTV at home has kept it away from home, thank God.

Not so on the roads. Hmmm just another cost to add to the ever growing pile!

Have a great night!

Love EMxxxx

[Guest9337]

ecomama, may I ask why you have 4000+ posts but no anonymous profile picture? Did you used to have one?

dng.

[ecomama]

Hey DNG, I've been away for these past 47 minutes lol, reading your thread!

and responding too - wow hey?

Ummm nope, I've never had a profile pic at all.
As you may appreciate, what on earth or in the heavens would I choose?
My dog? Nope, he's not technically mine, he belongs to one of my daughters so that's poaching lol.
Nor my cat lol.

A flower from my garden?
Tbh I'd lament each time I saw the picture, that the flower has since died.

I've given it plenty of serious thought!
Cannot come up with anything that has only "light" connotations with no darkness or emotional attachment. Not even the Sun or the clouds spark that for me. Sun burns, clouds dissipate or transform.

So the inner dialogue goes in my head lol.

For now a white head shape disconnected from the shoulders is ME!

The closest thing I've come up with so far, that could - only could - satisfy this, may be a quote on "CHANGE"... being the only constant in the physical world.
That little box is just too confined.

Too hard basket,
Love EMxxxx

[Guest9337]

I do appreciate serious thought about whimsy.

I'm thinking that your term "clouds" associates with your posted thoughts/feelings. A cloud can easily be shaped in ones head, being both defined and changeable. Heavy cloud will protect from the burning sun, scattered cloud will cool the heat of the day, no cloud revealing all crystal clear beautiful skies... and other ideas presenting "CHANGE". Of course the automatic profile picture is a human cloud too! So apt, thx for making that clear for me.

Clouds are ever changing, fluid, unable to experience pain nor pleasure, except perhaps the pleasure of relief of rain bursting free.

I kinda like the look of a Cirrocumulus stratiformis that shows up on the learn.bom.gov site.

A speckled look that lightens the suns brightness.