new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dear Blue,

Lol I can't keep up with my life, so It's okay if you can't LOL!!!
I can't believe how fast things are happening and SO MUCH to manage omg.

I wrote some in my reply to Sleepy.
I pushed for p.son to take the day off school today and move out and just put his stuff at the new house TODAY. Then get a train home ASAP.
My instincts were firing on all pistons for this and luckily because the whole are in between us in now in Lock Down as of tonight! It was only announced today.
He got home with an hour to spare before Lock Down omg.

Phew.

NO, grandson got WORSE. Dr yesterday suspected Meningitis which is horribly serious.
Finally he has anti biotics and Alexa's Dr is very concerned about what's happened to him.
They resting now. Alexa is coming down with something too. It's all crap.

I'm just far too tired to garden. I'm seldom home except to cook, clean (a tiny bit) and SLEEP.
I'm making good food and sleep my priority.

I'm on Leave now. I took Leave to help p.son but decided against taking him back down next week due to him needing to complete school assignments (He finally got ONE extension on ONE task ugh). And he's 8 weeks behind on one online subject (yeah I warned him about all that b4 he left too).
But he's exceedingly bright OMG, crazy intelligent. Got disappointed with 95% on a Maths test (WHAT???) and I sent him emojis of me doing cartwheels about that mark lol.

All my money is going to p.son, I helped out Alexa alot and in a financial mess atm because I took that 3 week's leave way back on half pay.
Altho I bought a leaf blower today lol.
My hands are cramping from all the work I'm doing.

Fixing the roof was put on hold but I decided NOT to replace my sky light. Just keep it there as it wasn't the problem after all. So I need to save the money for that too ugh.

AND my neighbour's house goes up for Auction next week SO the new owners will DEFINITELY want a new fence. I'm good with that except for not quite having the money for that at all atm.
That'll be 2 month's away at least.

Our area has now hit new record highs and it's OUT of this world. A property near us just sold for almost 3 million - bigger land, better home but no water views etc and the cruddiest part of this are too. Rents are mental. Costs are crazy.
I've altered my plans for the cabin, think I'll go with a Qld mob with a pre-fab later on.

There's more but ... word limit.

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Dear J*, yep it's crazy all right 100%!

Keeps getting more intense but I'm trying to spend time in Meditation each morning while I'm in the garden with my Chooks lol. I lock them up for 45 mins or so so they can eat, sit in my Grand Garden Chair and Meditate.

Thank God I have!
I just went with my intuition and pushed for all sorts this week.
For p.son too and it worked.
The minute I found out he was on the train home, I fell asleep and had a long nap until I picked him up from the train station.

Awww yes, we're doing well pulling together.
All the boys put in for a BEAUTIFUL huge Glass Chess set as a present for p.son.
For no particular reason except they miss him and feel for his situation.
He almost cried when he saw it on his bed. His eyes popped out lol.
I had no idea they were doing that. It just appeared.
I seldom even see my boys who live downstairs lol. Their work & study hours are crazy. One son worked 13 hours today.

This fast food chain store would collapse without them lol.

SO p.son moved ALL his stuff into the new place today!
The dogs there got to know him and he LOVED playing with them.
I bought and washed all his new linen and some new clothes.
The boys gave him some of their old clothes lol. They're rich compared to p.son atm.

Hopefully the Lock Down will be raised in 10 days so we can go down South and set up his new room. Get heaps of food etc for him.
I found out tonight that 2 GIRLS live there lol, they go to Uni there.

Yvette had a panic attack at school today & had to come home.
It's getting worse for her there.
She THRIVES at work tho... counting the days till she can leave school next year.
Her Cert III is going well thru her Traineeship at work - like night and day really.

A BIG Family dinner planned for Sunday night. Not with the grandkids tho. Just the older ones.
All our holiday plans together are shot due to the Lock Down, oh well, it is what it is.

OH I'm glad you can see what may be triggering H!
Brene Brown talks about that stuff about "being a man" threaded thru her talks.
It's also about their partner's expectations too in many cases, apparently lol.

BF phoned very late (in the U.S.) tonight. He's missing me terribly as I am him also. He's flying to Utah which blatantly reminds him of me. He can't stay in the motels we stayed in because he gets so sad.
I'm really missing America, being with him there. Him. This separation is horrible.
We hate it.

Onwards and upwards I guess lol,
Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hey there everyone and lovely Em whose thread this is!

You mentioned a reply to me but i'm guessing it got eaten up which happens to me all the time!!

i can relate to Yvette in that school is hard but she has a whole beautiful life outside it with work and her studies outside... i was like that at school as well. I'm so sorry to hear abotu her panic attaack at school and that stress she's under there which is getting worse. school sucks sometimes, hey?

Congrats on ur son moving out and moving up in life, what a star!!!

hope ur getting rest and nourishment.

[ecomama]

I watched the new season of Love on the Spectrum and want that series to run FOREVER. JUST LOVE it lol.

Yep. P.son moved his stuff into a Uni Student Share House. He's renting one room. There's a much older Landlord who rents out each room and has done so for decades.

HOPEFULLY I get to meet this Landlord when HOPEFULLY we can travel down there.
The Lock Downs prevented it for next week, luckily I didn't book anything!
BF kindly transferred Motel points for us to use (if we can!) so finger's crossed that works when we need them.

But for now p.son is HOME YAY! It's JOYOUS for us all. Probably more like total relief lol.
He is OUT of that family's house now. No more slavery, endless child minding & ridiculous responsibilities.
But still it will be very challenging for him when he goes back.
No license yet, he's still on his Ls.
Long trips on public transport to get to the shops, school and work.

If we can set up his room, then that will help.
He needed so much, I'm broke trying to keep everything afloat.

$1400 in unforeseen bills this week and I'm pretty shocked. Ugh!

My main YouTube go to is people cutting overgrown lawns hahaha.
I am LOVING those!

ABC iView is awesome atm!
Catching up on all my faves there and trying a movie here and there too.

I mainly use these to go to sleep hahaha.

P.son moved the loungeroom around and set up his BEAUTIFUL glass chess set in a 'dead corner' I've never known what to do with. It looks AWESOME!
I'm glad all the kids know how to pay chess, I have chess-lexia lol and can't seem to learn (but between you and me, I'm NOT motivated to learn either lol).

Better get on. Time to feed the mob again. I did the run to Alexa's and had a "contactless" visit due to them being so ill atm. I needed to do heaps of shopping for them.

I just posted on your thread,
Love Always
EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

Hi EM!
Hi J, Blues, Croix, Paws, Tayla, and all 🙂

Tht will be great EM if bfs points go through, since u said ur friend isn't an option, to help with the move! Hoping for u! But so nice to have p.son home now with his sophisticated eye for setting things up in the house!!!

It must be so nice for Yvette to see him and to have him around under ur eyes and see him in person. Hope u can meet the landlord and know how hard it is with lockdowns

so much up and down and unpredictable

I really enjoyed Love on The Spectrum although felt sad when matches flopped!!! I loved Chloe, she was so sassy, and felt that Mark was a lovely guy, too. Like you I could watch ten seasons of the show.....So nice. Did you like Jodi the counsellor? I didn't agre with half of what she said, but at times I thought she did a good job.

Thank u for your suggestion re two layers of pnts - I've never done that before. I bought 2 trackies sets from kmart so have that sorted, and if I had some leggings (next step) i think that'd be great!! My neihgbour today was telling me a good place to go get thermal stuff on sale now, and there's one near me so I may check out. The cold is just disgusting in my apartment, so I like all the insualtion ideas. thank u lovely

[ecomama]

SLEEPY! You've NEVER thought of 2 layers of pants in VICTORIA???

omg I'm glad I mentioned that lol.
I used to wear thermal pants under all my pants in my 20s and 30s and most of the time lived in a warm climate hahaha.

My online viewing update and confession lol, is that I'm an acnephiliac! Apparently that's a word hahaha. I LOVE watching the pimple popping and ingrown hair removal. I've tried to no avail to try to convince ONE of my children to become a skin specialist so I can GET IN THERE and help! Lol.

Ahhh Just love LOVE on the Spectrum.
I also pulled back a bit with what their relationship Counsellor advised. Ugh!
I felt there were so many things she left OUT.

Yeah Mark's a sweetheart. He's SO prepped to be a wonderful husband and partner!
I get really bummed out when their r/ships end too, I'm a soppy one.
I reckon Mark's last one went haywire because he introduced his girl to his spiritual beliefs tbh.
I saw she wore a cross necklace and stuff around her parent's house indicated THEY wouldn't have approved, sadly.
Darned shame.

Yeah we tick about 4 or more boxes of reasons why we can legally travel to help son during the Lock Down. I'm still scared to travel so will shorten the trip.
But we have to help him. He has no one else.

BF had a funny dream 2 nights ago.
He dreamt we had an online Wedding.
Then he woke up and got excited for the possibility.
Then got really sad when he knew we couldn't do it.
Darling man.

Even though we got engaged about a year ago, we didn't follow through on the rings.
So I suggested we do that.
Yep he wants to wear one too lol, even though he's been married twice before, the Weddings followed within a short time after their engagement.
This can't happen for us.
Lord only knows what CAN happen.

But it's within our control to buy Engagement Rings at least.
He said the minute our borders are open, he's flying out.
We know how "easy" that's been - not.

The sadness and depression for each of us has deepened because we have nothing to look forward to, we can't plan anything.

Anyway it's been SO nice having p.son home with us.
Yvette is sleeping better! No nightmares or needing to crawl into my bed each night.

Luckily I prepared for him coming lol, he's not eating as much as he used to, but he can still put it away! We're fattening him up. He lost 10kg while he was away, so he needed it.

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hi EM,

i've lived in even colder climatesu havig moved around when i as little.... i am not good at thermal smarts... not good yet, i guess!

how is p.son feeling about the move? It is nice that you guys can be there with him, i hope it all works out. these laws are scary and add extra stress and confusion.

I've not heard of that word before but that's funny 🙂 I hae met ppl who love pimples and blackheads and skin and ENJOY popping them and checking.... shame none of ur kids became dermal clinicians!!! i've been watching these two dermatologists on youtube but I don't love them so much.... their advice is funny though.

They are two young guys, I don'tknow where they live, Canada or Montreal, and one grew up around all natural medecine and the other is on a quest for "dewy" (his words) skin. Yesterday the natural one said he liked rosehip oil for the skin, safflower, and he hates Vitamin E. Lol idk.

Hope ur warm, safe and snug, and while i'm currently still a one pants person i hope soon to rock the two pants layering trick!! much love

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy! hahaha you WILL ROCK the 2 pants thing so well! hahaha.
I am today as you might imagine. It was SO sunny this morning and only 1 layer of anything needed, almost t-shirt weather omg... then it began to rain & get icy cold ergh.

Well p.son is at our house atm.
He only moved his 2 boxes of stuff into the new shared house last Friday and hopped on a train zooming North straight home!
He's been here since Friday.

Today both he and I had a Covid test. First one for either of us.
We get the results tomorrow.
P.son needed a negative Covid test to go back to work after having a cold last week.

By Law he IS allowed to travel to work all the way back down South for one measly shift but he wants to keep his job so he's just doing the minimum amount of hours atm.

I'll phone the Covid Hotline soon, maybe tomorrow, to get advice and a LETTER saying we have permission to travel down South next week to help p.son set up and move in properly, if it's granted.
If they don't allow it, then IDK - don't want to take more Leave the following week but might have to.
We tick more than 2 boxes being "moving house" and p.son being a vulnerable person ie still at school, so hopefully it's granted.

The rain is helping me obey my Chiro's advice for my healing. He told me I have to do alot less physical activity for a while. Grumphhhhh.
I disobeyed him until it rained! Hahaha.

But he's right so, I'll be good.

WOW! Are those 2 guys on YouTube?
Nah none of my children want to do what we're begging them to do hahaha, no one wants to be a dermatologist sadly hahaha.
I don't get pimples or blackheads, not too happy about that!
No but honestly, the issues some people have with them, it's awful.

I'm making home made individual meat pies for everyone for dinner tonight from the leftover briskets I cooked a few days ago. Alexa put her order in too omg, so I had to find some strategies to make the meat cover them all. I'm putting lots of mushrooms in the mix too.

I've got a pie maker that makes 4 at a time and 2 packets of 10 sheets of puff pastry, so I'd better get a wriggle on.

Everyone else is at work atm, so I have a bit of time.

Talk soon!
Love EM

[Guest_1643]

hi EM - the guys are called Doctorly, Dr. Shah and Dr Maxfield. I just saw pics of Dr Shah's wife and they are major gaga for each other. They are dermatologists and probably trying to sell skincare but they're cute to watch on youtube or tiktok if thats ur style!

that brisket sounds amazing with mushrooms, so good in this cold weather, no wander the kids are sending in requests!!!! yum!!

i hope u get rest so u can heal... i've never been to a chiro but have seen physios a few times, and usually get told to excercise more lol, but gently.

I scored a free feed today from a community centre which was unexpectd and nice. Restord my faith in humanity. Easy to overlook those small things, but i'm grateful for it. Hope ur resting up well and that everything works out getting to all -clear to travel. Good on u guys getting the covid tests, it's an annoying bump but i've got a few before and it helps me feel at ease in these wild times.

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

hope everything’s working out with p.son and your plans- this is certainly a crazy time for plans isn’t it! Lots of upheaval. Is it lovely having him home?
That was beautiful of the kids to buy p.son a chess set! Sounds gorgeous! I hadn’t thought of glass but I bet it looks great. I want to buy T a nice set- she likes chess. I had to get better- she was starting to beat me ( I’m not real good lol )

Im glad you’re taking time for yourself, meditating in the garden. As usual dear Em, it sounds like you are holding your whole crazy lovable family together!

I can just imagine you are missing BF. It will be sooo good when you guys can meet up again! Maybe all this chaos is paving the way for smooth sailing later, and time for you and BF.
Hmm yeah expectations.
tbh I just read an online article re a woman in r/ ship with a Narc- NPD. It rang so many bells! We had a small discussion this morning about building empathy. Apparently it’s not impossible for narcs. It’s kinda hard to navigate, becos he keeps coming back to his paranoid beliefs. And I’m super wary of doing it in the expectation that he will change, and everything will be fine. I’m starting to accept that it will never be the supportive loving rship I want. But it may be do - able. We shall see.
Hugs Em. Hopes and prayers that someone is looking after you too, and that lockdown doesn’t make life horrible.

cheers

J*