new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hi J*

Thanks, not sure if I'll get to the Quotes thread for a while. Got stacks on atm.

Just having a cuppa and a squiz at the forums before I take poodle to the Vet for his ears, again. They've almost healed.

I'm tired. Huge day and huge few weeks at work.
Only a few weeks left till my leave. I'm taking 4 or 5 snippets of leave this year to help provide rest, restore and rejuvenation time.

I knew this big weekend was coming up.
Just didn't see all my extra appointments falling INSIDE this week too.

Oh well it happens.

I'm grateful I CAN physically and mentally attend them, that I can work well too ofcourse.
Also grateful I can afford such high level care. That's not gone unnoticed for me and the kids. Oh and for poodle pup lol, he's enjoying his regular grooming and feels better with his ears too.
VERY grateful!

I'll text my friend after that to get my schedule and tasks for tomorrow from her for the Memorial.
Then maybe a hot bath, lots of scrubs, some Brene lol - I'll try to look up the podcast you mentioned.
AND LOTS of self-care.
Bed early, I need it.

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Certainly can't blame you for answering everyone in one message - sometimes you just need a bit less to keep track of.

Sounds like you have a really good handle on things (which isn't to suggest I don't know it's still hard). There's some sense to your strategy for dealing with so much grief all hitting at once. It's a worthy skill, to be able to apply your smarts to emotional things, work out what and how you can handle it, knowing it has to be dealt with sooner or later. You've got this.

Sorry all the extra appointments are turning up this week as well, what timing! Hope poodle's vet visit goes smoothly, and he's doing well.

Glad to see you're focusing on the self care - very important right now.

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Dearest Em,

Love and hugs

J*

[Ggrand]

Dear EM,

💜🌹🕊🦢...

Sending warm hugs sweetheart....and a nice hot Milo...

In times of so much grief and sadness around you....Its can be very hard to cope.....Please Dear EM.....If you need to please ring the grief line....also..if it’s okay......just a very gentle and caring reminder to try hard to care for yourself...

Love and hugs dear EM..

Grandy...

[ecomama]

Dear lovely friends, what kind messages to open up to!!

Thankyou and hugs back.

***Trigger Warning*** grief, loss, mourning.

Indeed I will phone a helpline if I felt this grief of my friend's losses was overwhelming.
Me not them.
It's definitely overwhelming them. 100%.

My friends have had grief Counselling, psychiatrist and psychologists appts over the past year... at my insistence.
Tbh almost to no avail in helping them. It may have, IDK, it could've been worse maybe, IDK.

I spoke with my friend tonight, who's nephew's Memorial is tomorrow.
We spoke for ages and I listened to all the 'really spaced out things' they're all doing and said "that's okay"...& "you can do whatever you need to do"...
we cried alot together.

I just feel they need the support of someone outside the family to talk to, instead of turning the grief into the family, churning it over all the time.

The things they're doing are not illegal or anything like that.
They're constantly seeking psychics, trying to get into the astral plane to contact him.

THAT made me cry.
The utter desperation to seek him.
The need to connect with him "wherever he is" and the want to know he's okay.

It's been almost a year and these things they're doing are just gaining more growth.
But they don't tell anyone else outside their own family.

I believe they just need to do this stuff "until...."<<<<< that much.
Until..

I've already spoken to each of the girls & emphasised self-care.
They've JUST begun to do this some times, thank God.
They went out for lunch with other people in the last few weeks, that's HUGE.
They weren't getting out of their PJs before this.
Now they are. At times.
I call that progress.

I Pray that over time, doing the grounding of self-care, will bring them back to Earth.

I know they'll never "heal" from this loss, who could!

But I've already faced the knowledge of my friend's cancer prognosis & struggled thru thoughts of losing her.
She's so open with her thoughts on this, hasn't told anyone else... so I know this is privileged. I'm so grateful for her all throughout my life... it's a precious place to be in such an intimate circle with a person going thru this.

My friend is now "head of the family" & can't tell them she's sick again.
Her children & sisters will need me & my kids even more over time.
We know this, they're more family than our own family, so this is what "family" does.

Feeling strong atm.
It's ok if I'm not too.

Thankyou, love always
EM

[ecomama]

Hey everyone

The huge storm woke me up at 3am.

My friend told me last night that it was a "stay at home for up to 4 days" weather warning.

All the kids were working last night, so I texted the boys asking for help tomorrow, even if it's pouring down, to get some steel beams on to our long, steep driveway to divert the water off to the low side of the house and down that path.

Our drains won't be coping with this deluge.

My friend was worried about all the family travelling from afar for the Memorial today.

Some areas about 6h away I know really well. A friend of mine lives there. She has been stopped by 5 sets of floodwaters in a 10 min drive to work, at times.
They'll have far more than 5 flood prone areas to cross to get here... my friend said she hopes they don't travel.

Even the Entertainment Grounds the Memorial is being held at, is a flood prone area.... even worse since major works were done there for 4y to "improve" the roads!
Gosh when I was a young, this road was a goat track!
We had to stop for a tram lol.

Now it's an 8 lane 70klm / hour area!
NOT when it's raining like this... they "forgot" to put in any efficient drainage. UGH.
So it literally becomes a lake! - too much man made stuff because that area NEVER had a flooding problem all my first 40y of life.

I meant it when I said I'll need gumboots, it wasn't a joke.

I hope p.son's okay down South.
They live on higher ground like us, but he travels to work and school, so IDK.

Feeling rather stressed if you couldn't tell lol.... it was only 13 months ago we had major flooding of our streets and whole area.
Fortunately our House Insurance is up to date.

Praying everyone can stay safe in this weather.

Love EM

[ecomama]

.... oops forgot to add, they've warned we may have major blackouts here too...

so just sayin' that if I'm offline, don't worry. We'll stay safe. We may not have power, that's all.

Once back a few years we didn't have power for 10 days.

I actually LOVED it lol!
Brought the camp stoves upstairs and cooked on those in the kitchen.
We ate like royalty due to the freezers defrosting.

Had candles for us and torches for the kids.
The kids read BOOKS and couldn't look at screens.
Pretty cool.

I did SOME heavy rain prep of the house last night, clearly wouldn't have been enough.
But I can't move those heavy steel beams by myself ugh, so I did the best I could.

Just wanted to pop back and say that.
We'll be ok.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Oh Em!

Your post was so sad and strong and true. All at once I got a picture of: this is why you had family depart your life, so you could be here more fully for this family. It is, as you say, a very privileged position to be in.

Your strength, compassion, restraint and wisdom will be much appreciated, and sounds like it has had some effect already. Definitely, getting out of the pj's is a good start, being ready to face the world, in small doses.

I also know a family who grieves a younger member of their family with quite bizarre rituals. I think it takes the place of not having faith or beliefs which comfort and can help make sense of the pain. It's hard to watch. Grief does strange things to ppl and relationships. It's good you're a steady influence.

Hope you're enjoying some down time after your day,and that you all stay warm and dry.

Much Love

J*

[Guest_1643]

hey em

that sounds overwhelming with the weather

a lot going on with u guys! i hope u are all safe and okay!

is it hard to have the lack of electricity? i like how you made the best of it. Like the olden days!

Im sure this is hard too with the storm warnings but hoping you are feeling okay and doig okay after waking up in shock to the storms!! sending love

[ecomama]

Hey J* and Sleepy

Well HEY PRESTO the power's still ON lol.

The roads are underwater all over the place.
Fortunately I own a 4WD yay.

The Memorial was moved yesterday to a bigger indoor venue due to the weather.
We were about 4 stories high and got to watch the flood waters creep higher and create lakes over fields.

I got there early and saw my friend walking out of the venue in tears.
I knew it would be hard.
I stayed next to her or within sight the whole time.

J* the family were not raised with any religious faith. Not at all.

I let most things go tbh... esp at times like these for sure!

But last night my friend was sobbing to me and said she was SO ANGRY with God.
I said "I'm sure God's quite used to people's anger".
She kept going and going and I let her vent ofcourse....
then at one point I said, "Do you think it was God? or was it evil stuff, a mixture of drugs and alcohol, that's not 'God's doing'.."

She said "Yes! You're right! That stuff IS evil".

That was it on the "faith intervention" from me.

IDK I'm not God.
I have zero clue why things like this happen.
It's beyond my understanding.

But I do know we're still on earth.
We're still here and while I'm here I want to make the most of the life I've been gifted.

There was stacks of talk about "family" today.
I wasn't really triggered, it wasn't about me after all...

But I listened to my friend's 3 adult children who all call me "Aunty".
They lamented separately about so many things outside of the reason for the memorial.
That's ok!

I could see, feel, HEAR the depressive tones of ruminating, cogitating, negativity.
This can be par for the course of grief.. we know.

After a while, I was inspired to say things like "each day we have is a gift" and "it's okay for you to be OKAY"... and "it's a privilege to have dodged those life threatening situations and made it this far".
Hmmm was their response every time, then a lighter plane of discussion.

They're burdened with not only their own grief but the grief of their parents.

It's enough to deal with their own.

The more "well" they can become, the higher the chances are of them all moving through this.

The Memorial was beautiful.

Now for my next dear friend.
These 2 friends don't know each other.

Showing support from another State is a thang.
Our last phone call was the night before her daughter's accident.
Can't believe the timing.

Many Blessings to you all
Love EM