new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Sophie_M]

Hi ecomama,
It sounds like you have had a really difficult night thinking about your kids and their journey at school. They are lucky to have you looking out for them and wanting the best.

Please remember that if you need to chat to someone you can have a chat with our support team either online https://online.beyondblue.org.au/#/chat/start or by giving us a call on 1300 22 4636. It is great that you are a part of the forum community and so we thought those other options might be helpful too.

We also have some resources for supporting young people which you might find interesting and useful – you can find it here - https://resources.beyondblue.org.au/api/prism/document?token=BL/1061

Sophie M

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Sorry to hear you're getting headaches, and nausea. Both really suck.

In light of your son's social situation at school, I really can't blame him for wanting to leave. I know you're not happy about the situation, but do bear in mind he can do adult re-entry or mature entry to uni or any number of tertiary options at any stage. Bowing out of Year 12 isn't the end of anything, like it might have been in years gone by. Heck, I didn't finish Year 12 myself. Didn't stop me getting a degree.

From what I can untangle of what you're saying about various sons, this one works, yes? I really don't think it's going to be the horrible mess for him you think it is. In what way do you feel you are going to suffer from him leaving school? I genuinely have no idea.

All I can say about those comments from your ex's sister is good riddance to that whole family. What an attitude. Puke! Never mind the money business. Like you, I can't get my head around the way some people think. Psycho ex was bad enough, such a sense of entitlement for doing nothing, his mother paid for his house and most of his bills, he treated her like crap. I guess that's the type you mean re people inviting this stuff into their lives. She had every opportunity to teach him you don't get anywhere by behaving like that. The whole scenario is vile.

You'll work things out with your son. Everyone enters the adult world in their own way, he may well prove really good with the responsibility once he has it. Me doing that was a boon to my mother, I moved out and she didn't have to concern herself with Blue-related expenses any more.

Just breathe, friend, it'll be okay.

Blue.

PS Sorry Paul, you bet I laughed at your phone escapade (EM is right, rice can help draw out water if it isn't too waterlogged). If it makes you feel better, I dropped the work phone in the loo, once, haha.

PPS Welcome Jack. 🙂

[ecomama]

Hi Sophie_M, thankyou for dropping in.

You must've read my mind lol, I almost DID call a helpline last night.

I did feel overwhelmed but I realised it was so many factors, so I gave myself a break.

My talk with son was a respectful discussion, even though he was crying trying to tell me everything going on for him.

After he left to pick up the kids from work, I had a moment to myself and just cried and got frustrated, wishing I had a partner to "share" the load with.

Almost the moment I got so frustrated and angry, was the moment I realised that in reality the husbands I had (fathers of the children), were NO HELP at all.
They only made things so much worse and distressing.

So I said "I've got this".
I had no idea what I was doing, never been in this particular situation before!

Son's been ousted by "friends" he's had since before 5yo! He's now 18yo.
He was literally heartbroken.
It was THIS that blew him out of the water, to leave school asap.

Really unfair.

But I was determined I would work with son to find a way through for him outside of school, whatever it takes.
I just needed sleep and to feel well.

Then Yvette's stuff happened next and was distressing for us both.
My heart ached for her pain.
Those "friends" are cruel.
She's too young to leave school.

She said she slid right back to where she was last year.
I listened. Cried with her.
We talked it through.

She has a plan now and a Traineeship at same place.
It won't be easy for her to stay at school!

I kept thinking there IS light at the end of this tunnel.

Pathways and opportunities WILL arise.
Have Faith!

Spoke to the High School this morning. The lovely Deputy called back this afternoon.
She's awesome.
Meanwhile same son researched alot today & felt happy with a pathway he's practically on right now ie management in the place he already works.
He got a Supervisor's position recently.

He plans to pursue this for 6-7 years till he looks old enough to be a Policeman lol.
Get the Quals etc.
Deputy was amazed he secured a Management position (me too ofcourse).

She said he's on the right path.
I felt relieved.
She also said she'd support Yvette in undercover ways.
I was so grateful.

The school was pretty terrible at the beginning of all this horrid Family Law stuff.

They've come a long way.
Pity we're exiting due to bullying behaviours.

Thankyou Sophie_M for caring.
Counselling this week!
2 months since last time - too long.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Thankyou Blue.

What a hellish 24 hours, in addition to p.son's news on the w/end.

The biggest thing for both son, I'll call Mitch (not his real name lol) and Yvette (hers neither)... was the MAIN reasons for their distress, not even so much Mitch wanting to leave school as the REASON for him doing so.

Bullying.
Complete exclusion from their friendship groups.
Shunned in all places at school, even the classrooms.

Mitch said he could handle SCHOOL if not for the intense hurt he feels the entire time he's AT school. Yvette same. Because of "friends", clearly not friends.

Alexa & the ACs had similar issues being bullied, but they changed schools.
Still happened, I enrolled them in a private school.
Still happened.
They finished Yr 12.
Felt alone most of High School.

Happened to me too.
I finished Yr 12 IN SPITE of the bullying. (We all move to the beat of our own drums. Kids don't LIKE that. We don't "conform" and I never WANT my kids to "conform" to that!).

I just wanted the kids to be able to cope.

The trauma responses I saw last night were obvious.
This is what shocked me too.

I said to the kid's Deputy Principal this arv, "I'm upset because of my own stuff too". But she acknowledged that any parent would be upset for their kids losing all their so called friends.

I need to speak with my Counsellor on Tuesday & straighten out what's mine and what's theirs. My empathy & enmeshment was obvious too.

Anyhow, it's going ahead. He's leaving school on Monday with my Blessing.
I said he needs to have a "Leaving School Party"... making lemonade!
He laughed.

I think we'll see more of the Mitch we know, without the extreme stress.

Oh yes Blue, ALL my children have jobs.
It's BIG here for work & school uniforms!

Mitch intends on applying to the Police Force in about 6-7y.
Today he thought of getting a Cert something through his work, to assist his application.
He's on the way to becoming an Assistant Manager. He's already in Supervisor training, being successful through 2 Interviews recently & gaining that position.

He REALLY wants to save to get a house with Alexa asap.

Yvette another story. Too young to leave. Feeling bereft with no options but to stay at school for now.
She secured a Traineeship recently.
Is saving for a car lol, little darling. She's working all w/end because she asked for those shifts.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hey Em, Hi everyone,

Oh Em, me too! That pain of friendship hassles for your kids, them making decisions you're not sure about, what looks like chucking their lives away! And the pain! It's so sad for 'Mitch' ( I cannot see him as a Mitch lol,) to be unfriended by very long term friends. Has he had reason to doubt their friendship before?

It is a difficult environment to march to your own beat, highschool. Sooo much pressure to conform and all that! You know!

I wonder if Tafe might be an option for either of the kids? Altho it sounds like Yvette is too young.

My eldest d did senior school at tafe. Was possibly the best thing she could do, even tho it looked like she was failing majorly thru most of it. The different environment was great tho, and heaps of Homeschooled kids chose that as an option. Just more independence, less clicks. On campus with adults, so being treated more as an adult. I think she eventually found her groove in life, by the looks of things, ( as a very distant observer, sadly).

Detachment! Oh SO difficult when you care so much!

I read somewhere this morning ( I think from a 120 yr old woman lol)

Worry only about that which you can do something about!

Something like that. Immediately, for a moment, my worried thoughts about my relationships which continue to disappoint- fled. Just for a moment. Perhaps I need to put it on a wall lol.

Yes, equanimity in the face of all which confronts me! My life in a nutshell!

I'm not sure, I think the planting of the seeds- which has yet to happen btw , but it will!- began AFTER I began to feel well.

I think Jack expressed somewhere about feeling a bit bipolar? ME TOO! Some days I can take on the world, walk into a crowded room and be the light. Other days, it's like Virginia Woolf in The Hours- just cannot manage one thing. Or if I can, it's something mundane and the absolute minimum, like the dishes. I am not meaning to minimise anyone else's experiences btw. No way. But maybe there's a bit of a continuum. Maybe, if we're not careful, we can live in the extremities, even without a diagnosis. Balance, maintaining balance, is key. Altho, man, I do love those highs!

Hoping you are doing ok this weekend Em, and finding your even keel,

LOVE

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*
Aha I'm doing MUCH better thankyou lol.

You nailed it! He isn't a Mitch that's why you can't see him as a Mitch lol!!

Nutshell:
- realised I need ALOT MORE SLEEP >> had a 4h nap today with poodle (after his Vet venture this morning).
- Mitch and I still feeling a bit tender and raw with each other >> offered to throw him a LEAVING SCHOOL Party in a few weeks! He said Yes but with NO school friends lol!!
- Yvette OMG has bounced back magnificently! She's POWERING ON thru this she told me this morning. With a few expletives thrown in about what those "friends" can do with their disgusting words and actions.
- contacted my friend T, we got to debrief and I said no to going to Egypt lol >> helping with a memorial for her nephew in 2 week's time.
- Alexa's been asked to Facilitate a group for anxiety sufferers as a Volunteer once a month, she's so chuffed! >> I offered to mind the kids on Saturdays once a month for her to do this.

Thanks J*, TAFE isn't required for Mitch nor Yvette as their work is training them.
Mitch intends to climb the ladder at their workplace and do all the Certs necessary for that and entry to Police.
Yvette's doing a Traineeship and going to school until she can leave at 17yo.
Atm she intends on "working through her own stuff, gaining some maturity and independence for about 5-10y then going to Uni to do Psychology to become a Child SA Psychologist" her words.
Alexa is loving her Honours (Psych) Course LOL! She was afraid she'd hate it. She's planning on doing her Masters after that.
Prodigal son awww darling boy, being so brave too. Hopefully he'll come up for Mitch's Party. Being such a straighty 180, I know he'll be shocked lol. He intends to move home after the Southern Exposure thing lol at the end of the year and do an Accountancy Degree, as I said "EVERY family needs an Accountant!" lol. This is in response to Alexa's horror about that lol.

I bought "European Pillows" and luxury pillowcases for everyone amongst a heap of other things at Spotlight in their HUGE sale yesterday.
Mitch's new sheets for the King sized bed he'll get in 6 weeks or so, were reduced from $190 to $40 like what IS that!
I'm getting my beautiful light Kauri pine QS bed back yay! My girly KS sheets can fit that bed.
Mitch needed MEN'S ones. 😂

Feeling so much better thankyou!

You could Plant those seeds anyway. Note to self.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: bouncing back after difficult times.

4 difficult things brought to the fore this week.
Not including work, my own or pet's health or "home" stuff lol!

1. p.son's situation ie his relationship breaking up - him being stuck down South now till end of year.
2. "Mitch" leaving school. Being exiled from his school friends group.
3. Yvette being exiled from her school friends group.
4. BF being 'snowed in' in a remote mine in Alaska. Almost zero contact. (Last time it went from 4 days to 12 but we had contact then).

Yes, J* Covey puts this in explicit concentric circles for us to see.
What's WITHIN our control & influence and what's OUTSIDE it (it's behind our loo door lol!).
The Serenity Prayer covers it too lol.

For "my" 4 things coming almost at once, I needed to / still need to keep myself stable & strong for those I love around me when they're going thru rough times.
And know the difference about WHAT I can do about any of it anyway.

1 > P.son's texting stuff now to work thru > all good atm.

2 > Mitch, pretty much set for now. Few loose ends to tie up. He has strong work ethics he's put into gear & feels elated he's officially leaving school lol! Folding up his school uniforms for the last time. Keep some for the other kids, donate rest to school as with p.son's uniforms. I'm good.
Spoke with Mitch about "Board" today. What I make one do, I make them all do as I started this over a decade ago with Alexa & the ACs.
"Beginning with the end in mind", preparing them for life outside of home.
We settled on a low payment + his phone costs. He's happy. All good.
PARTY soon!

3 > Yvette miraculously pulled thru in 1 day from her lowest time since last year. WOW.
She said she "slid down SO FAST" to below ground zero.
We spoke about all the things SHE knows for HER that bring her back.
She cried her eyes out... until she'd had enough of it. We hugged ALOT!
Spent the day with doggie self-caring.

Then got her head around something I'd asked her to do, that she didn't WANT to do.
Connect with other ppl at school before she goes back on Monday.
She DID! Booyah!

So she has others to sit with at school now.
She intends on doing the "no eye contact" or reacting to the nasties AT ALL in any way.
Blocked them all immediately. Not looking at any social media where they are.
GOOD GIRL!

She's got this!

BF - nothing I can do. I'm sending him a 💖 every day but no internet atm. He'll get them all at once lol.

EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Hey, em,

so tough ! You're doing a brilliant job, and so are the kids. Well done family!!

BIG HUGS!

Funny I hadn't recognised the same message in the wisdom from 2 diff sources. Some things, the phrasing or whatever, cut straight thru to our core.

Difficult times have that potential to put us through our paces. So tough but so worthwhile.

Hanging here with you, loving the updates- so positive!

Love

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I know it's been a huge week (or two, I dunno, I have a poor sense of time). It's hard to see people you care about go through all that, especially when you've done everything you can to make things easier for them and have been through similar yourself. Bullying at school was a big thing with my family, too. We're all a bit different, the conformists don't like it. Anyway, I get what it's like.

Not too surprised you saw trauma responses in them, they've been through so much already. I know that doesn't make it easier, but it is at least understandable. You're dealing with similar, re work bully and various other triggers, so at least you can give them real understanding. That's super valuable.

Counsellor appointment for you tomorrow, I believe. I really hope that helps you untangle things and get a handle on them. Sounds like you could do with the support.

I think leaving school was probably the right move for Mitch (I can't picture him being a Mitch either, the name for me is tied to a real hopeless slacker we had at work, we were so glad when he quit, so we could get someone who would work). Sounds like your son has his head screwed on right about his future direction and even wanting to buy a house with Alexa. Those are goals most people don't figure out until they are a lot older!

So the traineeship is going ahead for Yvette? Sweet! I'm glad she's coping well now with the whole business at school. I know she'll have her hard days around it, but it sounds like she may have a little support from other peers. That will help a lot. As someone who had little to no support from parents or peers through my school days, I can say with you and things you have advised or put in place for them, they'll come through a lot better than I did and not float around aimlessly for the next couple of decades. You're doing great for them.

I think you said somewhere you have an upcoming date with your partner? (Again, no sense of time.) Hoping that he does therefore have some internet access soon, for you to have that time together.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey J*

Yes! There's so much repeated wisdom found in different places sometimes lol.
I like how a specific wisdom is shown in differing ways, then eventually we may "get it" from one of them and over time SEE how it overlays over sectors of our lives.
Then we can generalise and apply it to many situations.
I guess this shows "Mastery" lol... oh I dream of that time lol.

OH BOY did I love what Brene said in her podcast I listened to yesterday (thankyou for letting us know they EXIST! LOL!).... about boundaries.

And how boundaries are both kind to the other person AND kind to ourselves.

I also loved the "Invite fear to tea!" lol.... thanking fear for trying to keep me safe but letting fear know I'm going to do it anyway.
And thanking the inner critic....

just an awesome loaded podcast. I listened to it 5x yesterday.

Yes, talking about what I have to do when the wheels fall off the wagon omg.
Last week was a doozy!!

Recovering and trying to get things into gear really fast this week.
I realised my 'holocaust' theory actions slipped into gear too without me realising it.
Gathering all sorts of healthy foods, buying some tinned stuff AND cleaning and clearing out.
Like we might have to evacuate kind of thing.

Ofcourse we don't.
But I have these auto responses.
I'm aware of lots of them and have tried to remediate and calm them.
Others I can only see AFTER lol and that's the case now with those.

All good.

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY J* and to all yours too.

Love EM