new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Update: unsure what this is...

Yes, I saw 3 of demon's family yesterday but it was extremely pleasant & only to order cakes.
I don't think this is about that... IDK?
Dreams were okay. No intrusive thoughts etc. Fine I think!

Last night Alexa called me & was upset during the call. She'd had a hell of a day with my mother for her birthday & my mother had invited Shep!!
He caused all sorts of issues during the day.
He told her she couldn't take the kids unless HE went & he was invited anyway.
He was cruel to Alexa then as sweet as pie to everyone else as per.

The feelings I'm getting right now are like mild panic attacks. Light sweats & it's a cold night.

I think I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Poor Alexa. She was being SO PATIENT with me wanting to wrap her up in cotton wool & let no one harm her!!
My desperate NEED to keep her safe is it. I feel SO sad that I can't keep her safe from these ppl.

She's still in contact with my mother as the ONLY family member who is. Alexa bought a beautiful cake & expensive flowers. Mother said nothing, except!!! Wait for it.... I'm leaving the flowers for the Restaurant as they'll like them more than me. No "thankyou for the cake" or thankyou for anything. Thankyou is NOT part of mother's vocabulary, neither is "sorry".

So the beautiful flowers were left behind.

Mother expects to move in with Alexa, for Alexa to care for her in her old age.
She is rampantly RUDE, disrespectful, uncaring, cruel, YELLS out to anyone she sees whether she knows them or not. Never looks after her personal hygiene etc etc.

I've constantly backed Alexa up saying she can't care for mother, NO ONE CAN!
She drives everyone crazy & is totally unpredictable to the point of violence.
WHEN she lives with ppl, she must think she's "IN" & is more violent. Her demands are beyond what a staff of humans could provide.

Alexa keeps saying she needs to see someone (Like a Counsellor / psych) but is avoiding doing that.

I know that's not my business anyway.

Another thing - Alexa's best friend has been seeing my (old) trauma psych for years now & is WORSE!! Having multiple panic attacks daily now.

This isn't my business either but I can't help caring so much about the ppl I love.
Saddest part being that I love my mother & can't help her.

I'll be ostracised even more once I build a cabin & WON'T put my mother in it.
It's taken almost 30y for SOME aunties to speak to me.

My C will not be happy I allowed Alexa to talk about my mother to me.

EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Em,

That's awful. What a position to be put in! I can't even imagine.... your own well being or listening to your traumatized daughter who is just trying to care for a very difficult family member. How Rude of your mother to leave those gorgeous flowers behind!

Maybe this will help Alexa get some clarity...?

You must be very careful Em, Step back, listen and nod and agree but recognise that THIS IS NOT YOUR DECISION! You have made your decision, for you and your family which you are responsible for. If Alexa chooses a different way ie interacting with her grandmother, hoping for things to change, be ok; Then I'm sorry, but you can't change that. And you can't take it on.

Is that too harsh?

Omg I would not want to be in your situation with all that. It sounds tremendously hard.

Hope you're ok. Hope things settle down.

Hope you can resist from saying 'I told you so' - I'm sure you will becos I can read your concern for Alexa is more than wanting to be right about this.

Biggest hugest hugs!

And thanks for your congrats- feeling heaps stronger and more motivated. Even got a fancy new haircut! Shampoo and all! Interesting progress on other fronts- slow and steady.

Cheers,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J* thankyou for your kind words, ofcourse that's not too harsh lol Lordy be lol.

You can WHATEVER you want to me! I REALLY appreciate the really honest feedback and I know you have all of our best interests at heart, so go for it! Lol.

Tbh I'm OUT of the situation. I'm not in the middle or anything like that.

Just watch Alexa go downhill with all the craziness of it.
I'd never ever ever say "I told you so", never. No.

J*I STAYED in that relationship with my mother for quite a few years older than Alexa, so I "get it" entirely.
The major differences are that I GOT OUT. The very first one in my mother's family to say "enough is enough", granted I was also the first person (I think) to call the Police on her too, so... yeah.
That all happened in one bundle unexpectedly ofcourse.

Next difference is the VOLUME of information now accessible to us about violent ppl with severe MHIs who don't do anything about it.

Overarching difference is that Alexa is training to be a psychologist!
SURE I think psychs with experiences like these can be so much more empathic etc but there comes a time when "enough needs to be enough".

Alexa constantly says "Mum the GUILT, omg the GUILT I have" and she's usually crying by then... this needs to be picked apart by a psych / c with her but I'm most definitely going to speak with my C about it too.

Mother / grandmother is an EXPERT in making those who love her feel extreme guilt and extreme shame... part of their personality disorders, esp in extremely intelligent ppl with such.

My father suffered brutal injuries after she attacked him.
He could've easily pressed charges and she would've been jailed for sure BUT I think he didn't want to take the kids, ie us.
So he left us WITH her.
Nice hey?

Still I probably would've hated him for doing that because I KNOW what torture he put her through. I was there.

Anyway Alexa sounded brighter today thank God lol.
Yes I can't say to end that r/ship to Alexa, I wouldn't.
I HAVE said to make (and KEEP) firm boundaries, clearly stated and repeated till the cows come home lol.

She does this now.

I'm glad to hear there's progress in the other sectors of your life (besides me 😂).
A nice new hairdo can boost confidence.

Oh I posted that Quote from Brene in the thread "Quotes I like" I think, last night.
It's AMAZING.

Remember KNOWING we WILL fail when going into the arena, helps us alot!

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Yup, no-one's perfect. Your kids saying what they do is what I think Mum wanted my siblings and I saying about Dad. She always went on about how he taught us what not to do. Wonder if it will ever dawn on her that she did the same. Yet both taught us some useful things. Dad by example of work ethic and money management (never taught directly), Mum with what she said and not so much what she did. In both cases teaching that takes time to sink in because of the way it's done... I do a lot of things different to both of them so my life is better than either of theirs in many respects.

Yeah, my bro isn't the proactive type, he won't untangle himself from that mess as long as she's alive. Who knows how he'll cope after that? He could be doing better, but as we've discussed elsewhere, my siblings just don't follow my advice.

Hopefully the aftereffects of the surgery are easing up now. Great that the new podiatrist is making such an effort for you. I hope she's able to help with your pain.

I understand that, we're all a bit of a minefield with triggers here, aren't we? You've done the hard work to deal with your triggers, and it sounds like the situation with cake lady is a great trial of how it all works now - pretty well by the sound of it. You must be relieved. Maybe even proud? I'm glad it turned out a positive experience and she wasn't "part of the rot".

Here's hoping the physical things see some relief soon.

Any updates on the new car? Is it good?

Man, what a waste of Alexa's money and effort. Never mind this business of inviting Shep. I'm sure she has some idea of the mess the man has made for Alexa. I'd disown my mother on the spot if she pulled something like that (not that she ever would - she's neglectful and self-defeating, not deliberately cruel).

I know you wouldn't tell her "I told you so", but are you sure it wouldn't be sensible to state simply "I removed her from my life and the things you are telling me describe why". It's not telling her what to do, but a form of guidance that may give her pause in regard to her own decision to have your mother in her life. It is clearly very bad for her. You can't be in the middle of this. I'm with your counsellor on this, please make boundaries clear with Alexa so you're not being pulled into your mother's toxicity vicariously.

Kind thoughts and some healing energy to you, EM.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, J* & anyone else reading,

Thankyou for your caring posts.

Feeling pretty rotten physically (emotionally too tbh). Still very sore insides. The surgeon did quite alot of intervention. I'm uncomfortable. I'm sad too, more later.

Blue, yes I've said that to Alexa in the past. She witnessed things (that no child ever should), so she knows. I more or less just listen now, show empathy & at times say things like "Oh well, she's true to form, can't expect anything different (etc)" which is true.
I wouldn't accept the back stabbing either.

I witnessed & experienced alot more but still stayed in that relationship.
I was about Alexa's age that the police event happened.

It makes be sick that Alexa "has to" put up with all the rot there.
Shep's utter rot too - this makes me sick to my stomach.
He's STILL pressuring her for sex. Can't stand him.

I just thought of a joke to pull on Shep lol... telling him I'LL be there at the next thing for mother, he'd run for the hills!
I wouldn't go.

We had a nice Celebratory dinner with Thai food AND pizza lol.

I find it almost impossible to be proud of myself Blue. So just calm acceptance I'm doing 100% better than a year ago.

And then I'm not.
I'm wondering whether the psych's diagnosis of "depressive mood disorder" is correct.

I think I just get sad after being disappointed / sad things happening.

I worked hard yesterday morning, doing maintenance in the front garden.
I could've contacted BF early but didn't feel like it.
I could see his texts come thru but not one that said Happy Valentine's as he'd said excitedly that he was going to do the night before.
Our Valentine's Days are different days.

He also assumed alot. LIKE A LOT!
So his text re: my surgery were ONE saying "I assume all went well".
Well I didn't respond to that via text.
Then a million texts about instruments he's working on, travelling, we can't talk, sorry for missing your call blah blah blah.

I didn't respond via text for 4 days. Tried to call twice.

No things didn't go well.

Still I listened to 3h of his "work stuff" Sat. He knew bec I told him things didn't go well. But at the end of the call, he said I could tell him tomorrow what was wrong.

No Valentine's Day wishes.
Another 3h call.
I could barely speak to him with not even a text saying Happy Valentine's.
We had huge issues around our first Valentine's, this was on my mind.
No asking how things went in surgery again.

I feel SO disappointed and sad.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: trying to do a J* (and Alexa) and "sit with my feelings"... not sure what this 'depressive mood disorder' is or is it just normal disappointment??

I 'took the high road' - don't like that expression really, and texted BF around 2am 'Hope you have a nice Valentine's Day today'... no hearts, no kisses, no heart emojis.
Just that.

It's probably pay back.
But not.

I don't like disappointing anyone. I know I do but I don't like to.

Feeling the same heavy mood.
Still feeling unwell in my tummy.
Just rotten all round lol.
Now my first headache in ages. I'm probably thinking too much.

Slept alot which was good, wish I felt better for it though.

BF apologised alot yesterday and did it without getting angry, which is probably a first.
He kept bringing it back to himself and how HE felt. Then talked about all sorts from years ago, a lot of new info came out about who he was and how he never wanted any children.

So I asked why he was with someone who has THIS many children.
He mentioned how he meant "babies" and now my kids are grown up... it's not what he meant, how he loves my children etc.

IDK it felt weird hearing it for the first time.

We didn't argue, I just listened.

Now I feel like breaking free for a while and having some absolute freedom. Not to date or anything, just to do whatever happens in my day without worrying about talking with BF for hours on end.

Maybe to do some things I WANT to do lol, what a novel idea.
Not things I HAVE to do, or NEED to do.

Just BE.
Sleep when I want to.
Garden when I want to.
Use power tools in the garden WHEN I want to. I have to do silent gardening work bec I'm attached to ear buds and a phone all the time.

It's getting tiresome.

BF lives in "our" one bed apartment in Seattle, no maintenance required of him. He can entertain himself to his heart's content.
I know he's sad without me there. But he still has freedom of sorts all day till I wake up.
Plus it's cold and snowing there atm.

I wake up and am trapped to the phone (due to the time difference). It's beautiful weather here and I'm NOT enjoying it at all!
I get off the phone exhausted.
I help him sort all his problems and am tired afterwards.

I wonder what I'm doing to myself.

My C has said to "just be friends" and talk once a month lol. That won't work. We'd not know anything about each other within a month. So much happens.

Just questioning things.

Hope you all have a great day.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

yeah wow, thats really tough. I can totally hear you saying your life (the small spare parts of it that are not consumed by work and children) is almost revolving around BF and his needs, troubles, wants and desires.

I don't blame you if you feel resentful that he is not being at least as attentive to your needs!

That said, it's such a common male issue. I am constantly reminding my H to listen to me, to not make it all about him. It's become a bit of a joke, esp when synchronicity shows him that it's real, he really does tend to turn it around to himself no matter the situation.

Oh Valentines! What a wrecker of relationships! almost as bad as Hollywood movies with their happy ever after endings and images of romantic perfection. Hate the lot.

Yet I still feel slightly miffed if some small effort isn't made..... I know, I'm contrary.

The first Valentines we shared after marriage, I said, Oh no, don't get me anything for Valentines, it's a stupid American commercialisation designed to sell stuff.

Silly man believed me. First Valentines fight.LOL!!

Oh Em, I wish I could give you a real hug. Youre hurting, your man doesn't even seem to realise, and he hasn't made you feel loved and cared for at a vulnerable, important time.

You're strong, I know, but even strong people get sad, and disappointed.

My heart goes out to you.

This too shall pass.

BTw I reckon if men had to carry a baby for 9 months they would be a lot less selfish. Just sayin'!

LOVE

J*

[ecomama]

Thanks J*

Yes he does realise how much he hurt me. He apologised alot. Said it all again today.
BUT with the "I feel so bad" - made it all about him again today, and I said so.
BF DOES make our relationship like a "romantic Hollywood movie" lol or USED to anyway.

Maybe the relationship is just too old now?
I said to him yesterday that I didn't want to feel like "just another piece of furniture, like not a person with FEELINGS to him".
I am.
"Just there".

J* I'm a straight up partner. I never say things my partner can get confused by like "no pressies" UNLESS I mean it 100%.

Men can't cope with mixed messages lol!

And the whole "engagement rings" thing has become well, IDK, weird?
I don't understand.
BF did a "run through proposal" lol in Switzerland years ago. Long story.
But a serious proposal last year.
Then kept asking for my ring size & I finally went specifically to a jeweller to get it (yes months later I admit) then he kept forgetting I'd done that and said "I'm waiting to get your ring size so I can order the rings" etc. Me: "I gave it to you". Just a palaver.

Now I don't want to wear a ring. Mainly bec ppl are going to continuously ASK me when we're getting married & I don't know myself! Neither does BF. So it's weird.
(There are real reasons he can't immigrate now, it's "unmentionable" bec it's so dependent on a horrible event needing to happen first).

Yes, all the kids noticed how selfish he was in a way. (More like wanting me all to himself which was understandable really).
But they really liked him bec he was also extremely caring & generous with his time & energy for us all when he was here.

I told him today that it's getting tiresome. That I'm fading away, missing out on "life", I'm just watching the years pass & I'm not doing anything I WANT to do. I want to "engage in LIFE".

My C said about 18 months ago that she was afraid I wouldn't have a well established network & feel it really deeply when the kids leave home.
Alexa laughed at the time but sees it now.

I'm already having "empty nest" feelings & IDK what to do about it. The kids near panic when I'm not home (trauma responses).

I thought I could fly to be with BF at any given time when the kids left home.
Obviously that's NOT hapnin now - covid an' all.

Head psych called me today, cancelled my next appt with C & the next one will be 6 weeks from the last one.
I'm really feeling that. Almost called a helpline tonight.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Ok, I get it. This is real.

And what you and BF have been doing, are trying to still do, maybe, is really incredibly hard. Keeping a relationship alive with the whole Pacific ocean between you...

For a start, There is a LOT going on atm, both in that post, and in your life.

Are you able to compartmentalise a bit? Put some stuff into the 'another day' basket.

Concentrate on today. Wait for the wave to pass before trying to do or decide anything.

I can only imagine how hard it is, having health issues to sort out, perhaps not feeling as strong as you usually do, then on top of it beginning to qu. your relationship. What you're doing is probably quite normal; looking for certainty, support thats going to be there long term, answers to questions.

What sticks out for me is your health issues. That is new. That could be making you put more pressure on other things in your life to be ok, or better than they are. Ok, so BF let you down. And maybe he is selfish. And maybe he's not going to end up being able to move here. But...did you already know all that?

Maybe you won't want to put your life on hold for him, and fly over to see him, or move to be with him. Maybe you will decide to stay here, and be involved in your children's lives, and their children, and your work.

That's ok! You will still be happy Em. You will still be you, living a fulfilled and interesting life.

So, priorities. Looking after you. Keeping the keel even...steady as she goes, rough weather ahead......

I'm with you Em, holding onto those ropes and keeping the ship afloat. Lets do this together...

Love

J*

[Jstar49]

Also Em,

tbh I didn’t know that I wanted something on valentines until I didn’t get it , oh dear!

I guess I would have been happy with a romantic gesture, it didn’t have to be ‘something’.
it’s so lovely that BF is romantic! And usually enjoys making you feel special!
You are so very special Em. I’m glad he’s sorry about dropping the ball this time, but sorry doesn’t get the loving feeling back sometimes.
oh dear I’m so hopeless with love and romance! I have a deep distrust for it I think. Love is an action. And sometimes it’s just hanging in there.......I think. But I’m not sure about that either!

J*