new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

That boss sounds like a sad and sorry creature, EM. Maybe her health has changed her priorities? Had to chuckle at you giving her a hug. Wouldn't be me doing that, I'm too prickly to be better than moderately civil to someone who has behaved like that, but I appreciate your approach. Glad you have a better boss now.

I won't say too much more about work here, I've spent my share of time ranting about it on my thread. Details re venture are there too.

Good on her for having such a good rainy day fund. Mine is nowhere near that by virtue of having a crappy income. I can save until the cows come home, but if there's only a few $ a week spare, that's all there is. Mostly I save by chucking any surplus at the mortgage on the occasions there is any.

That's some impressive equity! Not that I know what you paid initially, I know property is pretty pricey in NSW. I got my place dirt cheap, recently found it was valued at some $30K+ more than I paid, so that's great, was worried about LMI with refinancing, but apparently my worry was groundless. Really hope you don't have too many hurdles in getting the bungalow built.

Sadly, the mind is very fond of coming up with new problems whenever we resolve something. One of the things Reuben Lowe wrote about was how the mind is literally all about problem solving, so it actively goes looking for problems and makes them up if there aren't any. Jerk. But you have the tools for dealing with these things, and that is very valuable. Good work with the exposure therapy.

Blue.

[ecomama]

I just wrote on your thread lol!

I need to go soon and make dinner.

I won't go into the carry on about the mortgages here!
It was all totally stuffed up by demon (gambling and on and on without my knowledge etc etc).

But it's worth more than triple what I paid for it.

I had to up the mortgage more over the top of that to pay demon out. He only got around 12% but that was far more than he deserved IMHO.

My pay is just over half of what it is on full time atm, so times are far tighter than in the 1st half of the year.

And next year I'll be slammed with a few things lol.
It was a financial management choice to get me through 2019.

Oh well the strategy served it's purpose lol, we got to stay in our home.

Next year I'll look at refinancing IF there are better offers around.

I opted out of the redraw option but asked for an offset account against my mortgage.
So anything I pay IN, I can't get back out again if I need it lol!
I LOVE the offset for my savings as it reduces the interest charged each month by a significant amount which makes me happy! And I can save for things like Car Rego and House Insurance in there and it helps reduce my mortgage at the same time.
I keep an eye on that and record it all.

Well I've almost cleared out the top of ONE built in wardrobe today lol.
That makes 4 wardrobes I've cleared out now.
Took 5 garbage bags of stuff to my car for Charity, there'll be MORE!

I have to kind of "seal down" our stuff bec I know prodigal son and gf might just take things like someone else's special beach towel and stuff like that. They were doing that and it's made us all feel a little uncomfortable.
So these things and other linen per person is now stored in each person's bedroom.
Not in a "common area" like the linen press.

I'm pretty excited at the minimalist approach Blue!
I MIGHT even be able to put some of my kitchen appliances that don't really have a home, into one full shelf of our linen press.
DE - CLUTTER.

I should have maybe 2 more garbage bags for Charity tonight.

My Counsellor wasn't really impressed that I was doing this but I argues FOR the case that decluttering IS self-care.
Having an organised home will make working FT next year so much smoother!
In the end she conceded lol.

But she wants to know OTHER types of self-care I'm doing by next appt lol.

It's all making me happy so if that's the end result then surely it MUST be good self-care?

LOL, IDK.

EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

Hey Em - nice work with the decluttering
It feels great to give things to charity and also have the space...

and it's nice to see the movement of things... keeps things interesting 🙂
And having fun with decorating, too, moving things around.

🙂

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy yes it is 🙂

Are you putting up some decorations for Christmas?

I bought 2 SILVER cheap ceramic Christmas stars about 12cm high from Coles but they look REALLY classy!

I felt so not in the mood for celebrating about a month ago and I just made the decision NOT to be left out.

I just don't want those crappy people to rule my actions any more (even if they intrude in my thoughts from time to time).

Anyway my best friend, T, from school since 9yo lost her mum this week and she texted me last night about it.
I can't believe what this family has had to endure even this past year. 3 deaths and my friend T is very unwell.

When I think about it all for too long, I begin to shake. Alexa said last week "Watch your enmeshment" and it's also for me to watch my empathy.

I hope I get an hour with T late this afternoon. She needs IN PERSON time. Her young adult kids call me "Aunty" which is really beautiful since I have no one left calling me that anymore.
Anyway that's all very sad bec of how many people they've lost not just in the past year and this week but for over 25y.
Shakes!

So I need to "PUSH into life" today and get as much out of it as I can!!!!!
I'm really determined about this!

I have to take rescue poodle to the vet in a minute, he's in a lot of discomfort from his ears poor little darling, and then Yvette to the shopping centre for specific things.

I was hoping to get the BIG Baubles up today but it might have to wait till tomorrow now.

Gosh life hey?

Love you lots
EMxxxx

[Guest_498]

Love the classy silver stars, Ems. Oh Christmas. Not looking forward to it.
Yup, life. Live it to the full. Do what makes you happy. Stuff everyone else.
Xx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

You sure did. We cover such a range of topics, there's still no shortage of things to talk about on two threads!

What I'm seeing is that we have both suffered financially because of exes, and have pulled it together for ourselves and greatly improved our circumstances. Go us!

I understand you opting out of redraw. The best loan for me at the time had a redraw option, but I never use it. Do I need it? Probably. But nope. I'd be better off with the house paid off sooner, or at least keeping my repayments and interest as small as possible until that can be done. I imagine you're thinking the same. Offset is a much more sensible option.

Fantastic work with the decluttering. I completely agree with you that decluttering is a form of self care. Your counsellor is also right, it's worth doing relaxing things as well. But decluttering is such a powerful tool for healing. Physical things can chew up so much time with cleaning and maintenance, so much mental space with just being there quietly drawing the eye and demanding attention, and they can really hold you back with unhelpful memories where they have emotional attachments. Both the process and the result of minimising are really healthy things. Is that touched on in exposure therapy at all? I find that the act of facing belongings with attachments to bad times, whilst confronting, is ultimately helpful. I can look at it, and I can let it go.

Sorry to hear about your best friend's mum, that's harsh. Glad she has a friend like you to be there for her.

Good luck with rescue poodle's vet trip. Fingers crossed he copes okay.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blubes!

YES! Silver stars!
Gosh they look nice on my NEAT (lol), polished antique sideboard in the dining room.

And I cleared out the hallway and now have 9 bags of give aways in the back of car - heavens.
Just a bit near the door - chook's food over time.

The hallway long stand (old mechanics work bench lol!) is nice and clear and clean also.

Prodigal son IS ON HIS WAY HOME in the train!! YAY!
He LOVES it when I wash the floors with disinfectant lol... he loves the smell of it.
So I did ALL that lol.
GF is also coming home too...
They're getting off at the station right near our house but late-ish tonight.

Usually there's SOMEONE else home when they're here but not tonight unless we get a late visit from the ACs on their way home from dinner out.

Bit awkward for GF and me since we argued last time we saw each other.
I know her and know she'll be SO nervous.
BIG HUGS all round lol.

A trick I use for nice smelling rooms is to buy some Fabric Softener concentrate in the little pouches (less than $2 in the cheap shop) and hide them all over the place.
I put one in my car too under the passenger's seat.
One in the hallway.

Then when I need to use them, I do.
That's my Sister-in-law's trick actually, she told me about it.

I used to buy the fill up ones and they're just too expensive and give my girls a headache, so I ditched that idea.

But I have a MOZZIE COIL burning on the balcony with me and I LOVE THAT smell lol.
Reminds me of camping and Summertime but I actually NEED them due to the mozzies, ugh.

Blubes we're gonna PUSH THROUGH difficult days and LIVE THEM to the fullest, okay?

I thought about visiting my mother this afternoon for the first time in AGES... I won't.
Just thought about it.

The Adult children are going out for dinner tonight with her. I forgot about that lol.

But I was on my way home from visiting T and we looked at photos of her mum.
Then I remembered how her mum loved to talk to me about Ballet bec both she and I did Ballet for years.
Nice memories.
T was a bit sad. I got to hug them all.

Funeral on Thursday.

I'm pretty proud of myself because usually I NEVER tell T what to do but today I DID.
Someone had offered to come to do her hair tomorrow and she wasn't going to take up the offer.
I MADE her take it up.
I said she needs to DO SOMETHING FOR HERSELF, for once.

So she said "You're right, I do!" then said yes.

Awesome.

Whatcha up to Blubes?

Love EM

[ecomama]

Thanks Blue

Poodle did ok. No baby carrier anymore but he nearly crawled into my dress at the vet's! lol.
He feels more comfortable now but another vet's visit after work Wednesday ughhh.
The last three appts cost almost $700, so here we go again.
He needs 3 monthly allergy injections (omg) and this helps him not react to GRASS for goodness' sake. A dog allergic to grass, blimey.

Anyway it pays to see him comfortable. He's Yvette's dog since she wanted one all her life and ex demon never let her. I guess he was afraid of the dog protecting her.
Poodle is VERY protective of all my children! When we have animated conversations he gets in the middle! lol. Darling boy he is.

Oh yah demon cost me Lord knows what, into the millions. One thing alone was 1 million.
it never earnt enough to feed itself let alone contribute or provide.

It HAD to work after we kicked it out.
Gotta laugh though... over these past years Child Support Agency FINALLY took money straight from the lot who paid it & over it all, I was paid more than my legal fees.

It demanded a paternity test from me once (not that it needed my permission lol), which I agreed to on one condition... that I knew the lab and could bribe them to say the kids WEREN'T his.

Well through all that poverty I learnt SO MANY valuable things.
And became even more resourceful lol!

My pay has risen over $15k since it left.

Karma's a beach hey? LOL.

Yvette wants to change her surname. I all but have in most things.

Exposure therapy. Ex psych taught me how to do it on my own earlier this year, which I found VERY interesting & SHOCKING at the time tbh. She really put me through the wringer (back about 10 pages here lol).

BUT IT WORKED.

I'm glad she gave me that.

Now I do variations when I can't get the exposure IRL.

Basically if I'm triggering from ANYTHING I want to do (don't know how the Court consultant is preventing me from anything but peaceful sleep) then it's THEN I need to do it.

ABSOLUTELY Blue, removing things that are reminders is an option.

My whole house, life, community, work, children were triggers at first.
I couldn't go anywhere or be awake OR asleep without being in full PTSD mode about 7-8y ago.
I slept in 15 min increments, would get maybe 45 mins "sleep" some nights, it was so bad.
But that's when demon was living here & I couldn't get it out.

I didn't know what was happening.

I've worked alot out now. It's mostly healed but it was HARD darned work!

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

hi EM

i can understand having those syptoms and also - just not knowing what's happening. It's not so obvious at first or clear to link the symptoms to what happened...

really happy you protected yourself, got ur space, house and a great start for ur family in safety. and are going from strength to strength. It's fun that you are enjoying the upcoming holidays. I don't do much at this time 😞 I've never been very good over this time of year. I also have a birthday which always hovers over me also. Especially when the prvevious year was full of traumatic explosions.

A few years ago I travelled to a retreat over this time but otherwise I don't do much.

[Guest_498]

Ems,
Hell YEAH, we're going to push through alright!! Live & love life!!!!!
Proud of you for declutter! Good on yer babe. You must be soo excited to see p.son too. 🙂
What am I up to?? Lol. Playing with my adorable flatmate when he got home from work. I was feeling bit cheecky. Hehe. I got home from seeing politician-to-be (I told you about him), was in a really good mood. Flatmate came home, we hugged. He told me he was going for a bike ride and said hes going to take his clothes off. Before he could walk up the stairs I said "wait, ill do that for you".. I unbottoned his shirt and looked up at him. He said "i need to take my pants off aswell". I giggled and walked off. Ahh what can I say... Mmmm. Lol.
Blubes xx