I never thought I could feel loneliness like this..

TiredMother3884

I am a stay home mother to an energetic 3 year old and in a long-term relationship of 12 years.

Last year I suffered a major medical incident at our local hospital. I had a huge haemorrhaging happen during a miscarriage and subsequently suffered from a syncope and concussion as well as entering a state of hypovolemic shock.

I only really fully processed what happened to me at the start of the year. Multiple family members who works as nurses openly states the care I received was medical negligence.

It was apparent at the time but as the months passed me by I felt altered in a way I couldn't explain. I started to feel different and like I was on the outside of my life, watching it unfold before me but not truly present. I put it down to low iron, as I needed both blood transfusions and an iron infusion after this incident. It was actually by chance talking with AI on Google and sharing my experience from that night that the word "hypopituitarism" was brought to my attention. I had actually been having strange ongoing symptoms as well as the feeling of feeling like my reality had been altered. I also thought it could be PTSD.

Anyway here I am now, feeling lonelier than I ever have. My loved ones have struggled to deal with the new version of me, even my own daughter. I can no longer keep up doing what I used to before this all happened. I am awaiting results from pituitary blood work to see if I suffered damage from the incident that night at the hospital (to clarify I went there bleeding heavily knowing it wasn't normal, only to be sent home and then return back 30 minutes later in hypovolemic shock literally dying) and that night has filled me with resentment for the people you think are meant to keep you safe - doctors and nurses. I had an awful experience and have also only mustered up the courage to speak out and complain formally.

So between trying to figure out my health and investigate it further, maintain a relationship with my long-term partner, mother a busy 3 year old, keep my household moving along, watering gardens, tending to our 4 pet cats and dogs,live geographically isolated from all of our family and function is just seeming more and more like an impossible battle. I have reached out and am awaiting to speak to a psychologist about it all, but I just feel like I need to share this story and get my feelings off my chest. My partner is a great man but is not so comfortable talking about feelings and mine are erratic at times. My daughter asks why am I crying and my Mother has said "oh well these things happen". Like seriously nobody I know has any idea how I have been feeling and what it has been like to endure a fairly silent injury.

I have no idea at this point if I feel this way because of hormones missing due to pituitary damage - which would be directly linked to my lack of hospital care that night or if it's PTSD or both.

I have been told I am or must be depressed. I have felt depressed before in life and this feels different. I feel like I will never be who I was again before that night and I feel permanently different. I feel like a stranger in my own house. A ghost.

Has anybody else been through anything like this? I cannot find much about hypopituitarism as it is supposed to be rare that women would enter a state of hypovolemic shock during haemorrhaging, as medical staff are trained to intervene before it ever gets that bad. My situation obviously didn't turn out right and I know I suffered from malpractice. It is just so frustrating that this could happen to anyone in our day and age.

So yeah, that's me. Messed up 9 months later and waiting for answers. Lonely with nobody who truly understands how I feel. I know I am not crazy, but people around me sure make me feel like I am right now, "going through a bad patch" - I honestly feel like going to a far away place where my own home is not a daily reminder of what happened to me that night last year. Sorry for rambling but yeah I guess that is what this forum is for.

Croix

Dear New Member~

Welcome here to the Forum, To suffer a miscarriage htat went wrong and now look after a 3 year old and maintain a relationship is a pretty big and taxing thing to do.

I was horrified to hear the professionals had sent you home when you should have had treatment and observation. I'm not a doctor so I can't say what effects this may had on your pituitary or other parts of your health. I hpe the blood test give some clarity.

I"m sure it is a time of loneliness as others simply do not understand what you are going though -a broken leg gets sympathy, help and understanding, unfortunately a matter related to your mental health very often does not as no one has had anything similar to help them understand, and even well meaning words may simply make matter worse. The gulf between you and them simply is emphasized.

One thing you said seemed very familiar to me, " I started to feel different and like I was on the outside of my life, watching it unfold before me but not truly present"

As someone who has PTSD and bouts of depression (I am not trying to say you have these) I found I was "off to one side of my life", as if I was looking at me, my actions and feelings from the other side of a darkened glass wall. I had no idea why I was doing what I was or even how I was feeling.

Fortunately as time and therapy has gone on I no longer feel this way and the PTSD is very livable.

If you have not already done so may I suggest contacting PANDA, who are experts in the metal effects of pregnancy, not only the person concerned, but their family too.

You are not crazy, you are going though a very tough time the life has handed you, and you will always be welcome here.

Croix

TiredMother3884

Hello,

Thank you for your kind words and responding to my post. I greatly appreciate it and it gives me hope that I can get through this..

Some days are worse than others, but I hope that I can move forwards. It has felt like the longest time just figuring all of my feelings out and trying to maintain a relationship with my partner and daughter.

My experience has even affected my own Mother, who has actually spent less time connecting with me, especially since I told her that I would be complaining about my hospital treatment that night. That is the part that has hurt me a lot and made me feel sad. I thought she would know how I have felt and would have been even more supportive.

Anyway I am just glad to be able to have this safe space to share my feelings without judgement. I do appreciate your words and I thank you again.

Croix

Dear TiredMother3884~

It must be very hard for your own Mother not spring to support you in what will be a difficult journey. Trying to prove anything adverse against the medical profession at times needs to be done but is drawn out, expensive and emotionally draining. All the things for which support would be very welcome.

I have no idea which see might seem to distance herself from you, as I said before without a similar experience it can be hard to relate. Then again she may be of that generation the felt doctors were always right.

Perhps when the results of you test come back showing measurable damage things might change.

In the meantime it sounds like you are doing a mighty job, maintaining a relationship with my long-term partner, mothering a busy 3 year old, keep my household moving along, watering gardens, tending to the dogs and being the staff for 4 cats. (My cat, Sumo, has very fixed ideas as to the purpose of humans)

Croix

therising

Hi TiredMother3884

My heart goes out to you so much. What an absolutely shocking set of events. One minute you're pregnant, the next you're experiencing a miscarriage and the next you're facing a terrifying life and death situation. I think it's more than fair to look back and question 'What the hell just happened?!'. And this is all on top of what you're going through now.

I think one of the most challenging things in life can involve no one wondering with us. When we're left wondering alone 'What just happened? Why do I feel the way I do? Why is life feeling so surreal? Why can't I gain and feel a solid sense of direction and support?' etc etc, the answers can feel like they're never going to come. On the other hand, when we've got people wondering with us (helping us on the fast track to answers) it's a whole different experience.

From my own experience, I've found depressions can definitely feel different all depending on what's causing them. I've felt deeply depressed through chemical deficiencies such as severe B12 deficiency and deficiencies caused by sleep apnea. I've felt depressed as a result of my ways of thinking, depressing belief systems, inner dialogue etc. I've felt depressed through those 'dark night of the soul' periods in life. They all felt different. These days I try and gain a sense of whether I'm in a mental, physical or soulful kind of depression. To tell you the truth, at the moment it feels like a triple combo. Maybe you could be facing a number of elements yourself. Perhaps something worth wondering about.

People are definitely questionable at times, that's for sure. Whether we're told or led to believe we're 'going through a bad patch' or 'these things happen (you just need to get on with life)' or something else, sometimes you gotta ask 'SERIOUSLY?!'. I'm going back a couple of decades in recalling a couple of miscarriages, one at around 8 weeks and the other about 3 months. Btw, both were planned pregnancies which brought so much joy. I recall being advised at some point by some people close to me 'You should be over it by now' (miscarriage), when I was still suffering and trying to make sense of the loss and how to move forward. Some things aren't hurdles to 'get over', they're experiences to gradually move through step by step. 'These things happen'. They're not simply things, what you've been through, they're mind altering and life changing events. You deserve more respect, more consideration and more compassion. You deserve to be surrounded by people who are going to wonder with you, guide you and support you.❤️