Hi everyone,
I've been sitting here for a long time trying to find the words because the brain fog is so bad. I don't really know what I'm hoping for other than to know I'm not alone.
A workplace injury a few years ago changed everything. It wasn't just the injury itself, it was everything that happened afterwards. Over the last three years, it feels like my entire life has fallen apart.
During the process I felt bullied, harassed, intimidated and eventually pushed out of my workplace. I also felt like it became incredibly difficult to receive the support I needed. Every time I tried to speak up for myself or advocate for what I needed, I felt shut down. Instead of standing my ground, I would end up people pleasing because I was scared of making things worse. It left me feeling powerless and like my voice didn't matter.
Since then, I've struggled to trust people and find it difficult to be vulnerable. Wanting support and actually allowing myself to receive it feel like two completely different things. I often keep everything inside because I'm afraid of being dismissed, judged or becoming a burden.
Sleep has become one of the hardest parts. Sometimes I barely sleep for days, and when I do, I wake up terrified and don't recognise where I am for a few moments. I've had nights filled with distressing dreams, but I often can't remember them, only the overwhelming fear they leave behind.
I experience dissociation that is difficult to explain. Sometimes I feel disconnected from myself, my surroundings or even reality, like I'm just going through the motions and not fully present. There are moments where I don't feel grounded in reality, and it can be frightening and confusing.
I carry this constant sense of fear, like I'm trapped and can't find a way out. My body and mind seem to stay on high alert even when I'm safe. Logically I know I am safe, but I don't feel safe. Everyday things that never used to bother me now feel overwhelming.
Over the last three years, not only has my health changed, but many of my relationships have broken down too. I feel isolated and like I've slowly lost the life I knew. I don't recognise myself anymore, and I'm grieving the person I used to be.
I also have a history of childhood trauma. For a long time I thought I'd coped with it, but after my workplace injury and everything that followed, it feels like something inside me has unravelled. I don't know whether it's connected, but it feels like my mind and body are reacting in ways I don't understand.
I'm working with a psychologist, and we've recently started talking about whether trauma could explain some of what I'm experiencing. PTSD was mentioned as something we're exploring, but my psychologist also said it's not always helpful to focus on labels. I honestly don't understand what's happening to me anymore. I just know that I don't feel like the person I used to be.
Has anyone else experienced something similar after a workplace injury or prolonged trauma? Did you struggle with trust, vulnerability, dissociation, feeling disconnected from reality, waking up terrified and disoriented, or feeling like your whole life slowly unravelled? Did your relationships suffer too?
Most importantly... did things ever improve? Right now it's hard to imagine feeling like myself again, and I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone who understands.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
