Family trauma and loss

[Shawtyreckless_]

I grew up in a really conservative home. I never saw my parent's show any form of affection with each other. Im only now realizing the impact it's having on my relationships. I remember the first fight I witnessed between my parents. I saw how horribly my father would treat my mother. He didn't respect her, he didn't care about how his actions hurt her, and us as kids. As a kid I was oblivious to their fall outs. I would see some things, my mum crying and praying in her room. My dad not coming home until very late and sleeping in the garage. I'm now 17 years old and Im only now seeing the damage it's having on me. I'm getting flashbacks of trauma I experienced at age 5, and all the fights they've had. I resent my father now because, he was someone I looked up to from when I was reeeaally young. Like he was a superhero to me. He took care of the family. He worked all night making sure we were fed and had somewhere to sleep. But I just feel like it was all meningless knowing that he didn't want us. It was really easy for him to walk out and start a new life without us and I'm bottling up my true feelings because I have young siblings who have no clue what's going on right now. My cousin says I'm strong. But I don't believe it. I don't. It took 2 years for me to move on from my uncle's death, and now I'm dealing with the void from my father leaving with no explanation. I just think I'm the unluckiest human alive. But what hurts and scares me the most is that, after everything that's my father's done to my mother, the cheating, lying, sneakiness... I know she would take him back in a heartbeat even when it's draining for us too.  💔💔

[Sophie_M]

Hi Shawtyreckless,
Thank you for posting something so very genuine and brave - this takes such strength, and we are glad you have offered us an opportunity to be here for you. 

It is heartbreaking to watch your family go through this, and we can see that you have observed and been aware of a lot. The feeling that you were never wanted by your father is so strong in this. We want to reach out because grief is so powerful when we don't have places to voice it, cry for it, or process it - and there is so much grief here, Shawtyreckless - You have grieved for your uncle, and you are beautifully open about what a journey that was! But there are others to grieve for too. For your mum, the heartache and abandonment she endured, for the father you should have had, the father you thought you had. And you for you.
The little boy who lost his superman, the young man now seeing all the consequences for you and your siblings. 

You have carried a lot, and bravely Shawty - it is ok now to have people carry some of that with you. If you need to talk to someone directly, please know you can call 24 Hours a day, 1300 22 4636, and you can chat to us, Messenger style, by clicking here: 
We have some beautiful friends over at Kids Helpline (no you are not too old yet 😉 ) and you can give them a call on 1800 55 1800 or use their webchat here

Please be proud of yourself - it can be so hard to put pain into words, and to allow others to help. You have done that beautifully tonight - please keep reaching out!

Regards,

Sophie M

 

[geoff]

Hello Shawtyreckless, you must have respected your uncle so much and I'm very sorry that he has passed away, irrespective of your attitude of your father that left you and your mum rather traumatised, but parents back when you were a child sometimes only wanted some type of security, no matter how much harm was carried out, unfortunately for you it's left you wondering, because you realise that he didn't act appropriately.

It would be difficult to believe that he would return back to be with your mother, but I can't actually say, however, one way you can get your mother to forget about him, as well as yourself, is to sell and move on, but before this can happen, she needs to get the help she needs so she can move on.

This also applies with you, because there is so much memory you need to try and block out, but you can't do this on your own, so please ask your doctor about the 'mental health plan', this entitles you to 20Medicare paid sessions per year to talk with a psychologist.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[ecomama]

Hi Shawtyreckless_, welcome to the forums. I'm glad you're here. 

Hugs for what you and your siblings and mother have been through. 
Yes you WILL get through this time. It's nice your cousin sees the strength in you that you cannot see atm. 

It's okay to cry. 
It's okay to want to scream out loud at the frustration. 

What you've chosen to do is join the BB forums. 
THAT shows the strength inside you. 

Sometimes our parents teach us how NOT to be a parent. 
Without saying this out loud to your parents, you can Journal about all your frustrations. Write out all the feelings and emotions you feel. 
Betrayal may feature with your dad's cowardly actions of abandoning his family. 

But this is not how YOU are. 
You are brave. You are hurting a lot right now. It may take a long while to heal but heal you WILL. 

Please share anything you want to here. 
We're here for you. 

For more immediate support there are the Helplines. 
There's also eHeadspace where you can join up & text type to a trained Youth Counsellor. 

Perhaps you're beginning to put things in your childhood into perspective now that things are calmer without your dad there? 
The abusive person is now gone from the house. That's GOOD. 
I know your mum is so desperately sad right now. She can reach out for her own support if she wants to. 
The family's healing journey begins now. 

The very best thing you can do right now is to look after yourself. 
Your future needs you to do this. Bring it in with some self-care. KNOW which things are within the adults' control, like splitting the property etc. 
All those things are nothing you can control. 
But you can control what YOU do now. 
Love your siblings. 
Love your mum. 
Love yourself. 

Hugs
EMxxxx

[Bob_22]

Hi Shawtyreckless_

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out. My condolences for your uncle's passing and I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with childhood trauma. Please don't feel you have to put on a brave face for the sake of your family, remember that your mental health is paramount and that you cannot support others without supporting yourself. You've done the right thing in coming here. I know it must be difficult to process the trauma and grief at the moment, but as ecomama said, please give yourself some time and love. Be sure to do some self-care and I would recommend consulting a professional if you're comfortable with that as well. You could have a chat with your school counsellor, your GP (who can refer you to a psychologist through a mental health care plan) or a mental health professional through headspace who offer services for people your age going through a range of issues. 

In regards to online support, as Sophie mentioned, there is the Beyond Blue webchat and phone lines which are 24/7 as well as Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800. I might also recommend Griefllne as well who offer grief support/resources as well as telephone counselling 6am - 12am. They have some great resources on their site which you might find helpful as well: https://griefline.org.au/resources/relationship-loss/#Family_Violence 

There are also the folks over at 1800respect.org.au who offer 24/7 phone and online chat services for anyone who has experienced, or is at risk of, family and domestic abuse. They also have some online resources: https://1800respect.org.au/violence-and-abuse/domestic-and-family-violence 

Please update us on how you get on and thank you again for the joining the online community here. Take care of yourself and remember you're not alone. 💙