C-PTSD diagnosis pending - unsure how I feel about it

[ecomama]

Dear BBers

It looks like the diagnosis of C-PTSD will be made official pretty soon for me. I was diagnosed 'off-the-books' with it by a Head Psychologist about 2-3 years ago. I know the reasons they did that and I thank them for it. I attend Counselling weekly or less depending on my 'state' I will call it. I have improved but now I am stuck.

I have had all day to think about the diagnosis and what it means. It's made it all real now. Before I could pretend perhaps. To the recent psychologists I spoke with, it was a no brainer lol. Black and white comment there. No grey areas I can fiddle with lol.

A close friend, who is a psychologist also lol and known me for 30y, gently suggested a few weeks ago that I really needed a tailored, specialist PTSD therapy. That counselling was not enough. Also that there was some evidence that I was dissociating. She was terrified that I could become worse. Later I told said friend that I had begun using the language I speak with, to re-integrate myself and attend to my 'inner child' so to speak. That was met with silence. I also said that I would search for a therapist who specialised in trauma and PTSD, then she sounded a sigh of relief lol. She is SO HAPPY today. eye roll lol.

I have a list of specialist psychs now and will start 'interviewing' them, that was the suggestion! There may be long wait lists too. I promise myself that I will take the first appointment with chosen one and I will MAKE a choice.

I cried when it was kindly said to me today, again. I really don't want to have the label that so many other valiant and brave trauma survivors have. I feel like I'm being rude, greedy, arrogant IDK, just insulting to them. I want them to have everything they could possibly need, all the time. If I could just hide away and keep myself safe then I can evaporate from that PTSD scene..

But I can't. It's beyond manageable now. I want to get better. I want that for my children, my beautiful faithful friends and myself. The myself is hard to say. My pets is even easier lol.

I'm really scared. I'm scared to tell a psych everything. It's so much. It's entirely unbelievable. But it all happened, so it is what it is. 

If anyone has had any measures of success with a specific kind of PTSD approach, could you please share?

Thankyou so much

xxxxEM

[Sophie_M]

Hey ecomama, thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences with C-PTSD with us. We can imagine it would feel quite overwhelming to receive such a diagnosis. Although, we hope it can be a positive label that helps you to better understand your feelings and to find the best support for your situation. Your friend seems like they really care and want the best for you, it must be so nice to have a close friend who is a psychologist and can provide lots of helpful advice.

We hope you're able to find a psychologist that really suits and understands your needs. Please keep us updated on how the interviews go. If you feel that it would be beneficial to you to talk through your feelings and experiences with a counsellor, please, contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way.

Feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey. 

[ecomama]

Thankyou for your post Sophie 🙂

I'll try to keep posting here about it. I'm feeling nervous and anxious tonight about it all. I have to keep grounding myself in the present far more than usual. Yesterday was a very bad day with an event I posted about on another thread. My anxiety was the worst it has been in a very long time.

Another BB member gave me some numbers to call and I actually did call the BB Helpline. I was provided with a few numbers to help that other situation and I was referred to call the Blue Knot Foundation. I did that this morning and when I had to leave a message, I really couldn't cope, so I called 1800RESPECT.

I was put through to a specialist trauma psych (STP) and I got the name of a local STP, this person operated through a Women's Health Centre that I'm familiar with. It may have associations to memories that may not be helpful IDK.

Blue Knot phoned later this afternoon and said they would email 6 more names & numbers of STPs. Being covid times all counsellors are having 'not in person' appointments so it doesn't really matter where they are located, for me, atm.

I planned to take leave soon. This was supposed to be time for me to get some specialist help, support my children learning from home and I had hopes of 'finding my garden' again in that time.

Now I have an added different and very difficult situation to deal with of a close family member. This person was an abuser to me for a long period. I have been NC for decades but the situation has worsened. I feel I need to support my adult child by getting some help for this family member. This feels very dark and dangerous for me. I won't risk the physical safety of my children at home or myself but it has already impacted my mental health, more than I thought it ever could.

Anyway the Blue Knot Foundation site has a lot to read on there about abuse and therapy.
I saw myself mirrored there. It was like they were writing about me.

I was facing a fork in the road. Follow the path of getting help from a STP or trying other things. Regardless of which path I took, the close family member situation is overarching this period of my life. I decided on the path to get the help.

I don't feel good about it atm. I'd probably feel better if the family member thing was not a thing in my life.

xxxxEM