Am I in an abusive relationship? [Trigger Warning: Domestic Abuse]

[Owlie89]

Hello,

I've been with my fiance for nine years. Our wedding is scheduled for later this year. However he has lately become more and more explosive when I don't feel like having sex because I'm on medication which affects my libido. For example, last night it was his birthday and I was feeling sick and did not want to have sex so he pushed me off the bed and kicked me when I was down on the floor. He said I ruined his birthday, even though I took him out to breakfast and bought him multiple gifts and put a lot of effort and thought into the day. When he is angry he tells me I'm not intellectual enough, that I drag him down and that I'm a horrible, mean and nasty person. He says that I have the intellectual and emotional capacity of a child and that it is hard work being in a relationship with me. He says no one else would put up with me or love me like he does.

The last time we had a fight he tore all my clothes from the wardrobe and snapped all the coat hangers. Then he turns around and acts sweet the next day like nothing happened. He also says that everything bad in the relationship is my fault. I'm actually scared now of entering into a marriage with someone who constantly belittles me in arguments. He even said if I ever talk about our relationship to anyone I know then I will have to get out and leave.

Is it normal for people to act like that when they are angry/arguing? Is it normal for your partner to insult your intelligence and blame you for everything? Other people think of me as a very polite, thoughtful and caring person and no one else in my life would describe me the way he does. Am I over reacting? Should I be worried? Is this verbal/emotional abuse? Or just someone with a temper?

I feel really confused and worried.

Thank you.

[Croix]

Dear Owlie89~

I'd like to make you welcome here in the Forum, it was a good move to come here as you can get other people's perspective on things. From the last couple of questions in your post you don't sound sure what one should expect in a relationship.

First off - all the things you talk about point to you being in a very abusive relationship

Second - violence of any sort is not on ever. Being kicked is an assault.

Third - you should be scared of entering marriage wiht someone like that. It would be a terrible life and you would end up permanently frightened and misused.

A partnership, in or out of marriage - should be between two people that care for each other and want to see the other happy and secure. There is no room for belittling or putting thepother person down -let alone violence - and there has to be understanding - and that applies to sex too. If you do not wish to have sex at any time that is the end of the matter, it is your right to decide and nobody can take that right away.

Your fiance sounds cruel, violent, controlling and completely self-absorbed. There is no way this is a person with a temper, it goes far beyond that. Such people latch on to those with nice caring natures such as yourself who they seem to have an instinct for controlling.

Do you have a family, parents or a good friend to support you? I realy think you need someone on your side right now. I also thing you would benefit from a professional's perspective and experience, please try ringing an organization such as 10800RESPECT (1800 737 732).

I"m afraid I can't see any way there is anything you can do to make this relationship right. I'm sorry I've been so blunt and do not have better news.

You will be welcome to come here anytime and talk or ask anything you want

Croix

[Tess2]

Hi, this is not normal, you are NOT over reacting,you should be worried, it is emotional and physical abuse this pattern is not likely to change. You need to protect yourself and have been given good advice by Croix. Get help and support.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Owlie89,

Ill be honest, just about everyone (if not everyone) who comes on here asking if they are in an abusive relationship, is. You know deep down that something isn’t right, that this isn’t how someone who loves you should be behaving (and it’s not how you treat them), but you’ve been made to doubt yourself, that you are crazy, that you are to blame for their reactions. They say that because everyone has conflict, but the problem is how they react to it, no one else is behaving like these people. There is a line that you do not cross in a relationship, you do not lay a hand on them, you do not belittle them, you do not call them every name under the sub, you do not coerce them into sex, because you love that person and want the best for them. I don’t believe your partner, or most abusers, are ‘unable to control their temper’, it’s a cop out to stop them having to take responsibility for their actions, also, they’re able to control it very well when other people are around. I would strongly urge you to read a book (there is a free pdf ebook online) called “why does he do that: inside the mind of violent and controlling men” - the author wrote it after working with a lot of abusers and I’ve never read a more spot on explanation of everything. It will give you more of an idea of what’s going on. I now this information puts you in a tough position but you also have to think of your future, what will he be like when you’re pregnant, or with a child etc? Will he be hitting you up for sex after just having a baby etc of will it have escalated by then?

[Unbeliever]

Firstly... Yes as of "recently" you are definitely in an abusive relationship.

Secondly, you are completely justified to be afraid of becoming the wife of a man who is behaving in these ways.

Thirdly, he is well aware of how his behaviour would be viewed by "outside" people. Which is why he has threatened you with "kicking you out if you talk to anyone". This means he KNOWS what he is doing is wrong.

Lastly, the majority abusers use the "noone else would love you" line (or something similar) in an attempt to sow doubt, confuse and ultimately try to control their partners... it is basically an attempt to prevent them from leaving regardless of the things they do. But this line is always a lie and it is literally never true (believe me).

Now, you said that you have been with this guy for 9 years but this behaviour is a recent thing. Is that true? There have been no "smaller" instances in all that time before? No warning signs? Nothing to indicate this part of his personality over the previous 9 years? If that is true it is unusual. I am not trying to justify his behaviour (there is no valid justification)... but has something dramatic changed recently with him? Something that would provoke such a sudden change in his behaviour? Or is this the latest escalation of violent behaviour you have seen before?

Regardless, while it is good that you have come to this forum to speak about it, I suggest that you need to speak to a professional with expertise in domestic violence and you need to do it soon (long before you get married).

You should also consider "documenting" any incidence like this that occurs with details (Dates, times, what happened, even photos if possible). This includes not just direct attacks on you, but destruction of items in the home etc. Keep it detailed with specifics... but otherwise simple. But you need to do this covertly without his knowledge.

You can make a new email account exclusively for this purpose and send any details and photos to that account... with a password that noone would guess for you, and memorised (not written down anywhere or saved on your computer or phone). This documentation will become your safety net (and it is useful for you just to be able to read).

No matter what. It is important that you talk to someone professional so at minimum there is a record somewhere of what is happening to you... just in case you need it in the future. You need to protect yourself.

Please look after yourself Owlie89.

[geoff]

Dear Owlie89, can I give you a warm welcome and sorry for what you have had to put up with from your fiance.

This is inexcusable and should not, never be done in any relationship whether it's engaged, married, or just going out together, and the real problem is if he is having delight in carrying out these atrocious acts before you're married, then it will be much worse when you do actually do get married.

For him to say ' if I ever talk about our relationship to anyone I know then I will have to get out and leave' typifies his attitude and knows he has done wrong, but can he get over this, probably not.

Look after your own safety and to give you, if he does, any flowers and/or chocolates is only a temporary solution.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[Owlie89]

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to each and everyone of you who took the time to respond. You have all changed my life through your comments as I have come to the realisation that this is not normal behaviour. I have left him now and am staying with my lovely mum. Much love and endless thanks to you all ❤️

[Croix]

Dear Owlie89~

Thank you for coming back and saying what you are doing, if we have been of help that's great. There are so many people who do not have the courage you do to break off a bad relationship, which makes what you are doing so impressive. I guess going to your mum is exactly right.

9 years is a very long time and I don't think that just leaving is the end of it. It will have cast a shadow on your thoughts, how you regard yourself, and how you view relationships in the future.

I hope you come to see your actions as the strong sensible ones they are and can have pride in yourself for taking action.

Whatever happens in the future you know you can always come here, a safe place

Croix

[Tess2]

Well done, and being with your mum is good. I would caution you to be prepared though for him to resist you breaking away, so have your strategies prepared and stay strong. Keep posting here if you need to. And remember there are good men out there.

tess