How do you deal with loved ones who want to fix you?

[Donte]

Many of us may have families, loved ones, friends, neighbors or colleagues who want to always offer advice and ‘fix’ our problems with their solutions! That’s beautiful in a way and may indicate their caring nature and loving character. Their intentions may be noble and genuine.

Sometimes though, their care and love can be overburdening. You may wake up with their messages telling you that they think of you or constantly asking you how you feeling and if you are ok and what can they do for you.

I don’t know about you but I just can’t cope with people like this. One by one I have kept them at a safe distance and through the years have cut many off my life altogether. This is because I cannot cope with smothering and feel suffocated, especially from family members who do not know the meaning of boundaries, privacy, personal space and adulthood. Particularly, when it comes to health and mental health especially, it seems often everyone is an expert or a guru and the moment you give in to their constant interrogation by providing a bit of a glimpse of how you feel on the inside, they tend to jump in and take over, offering their ‘expertise’ and solutions ranging from the latest medical research results to crystals, herbs and astrology! Not to mention the religious beliefs and their personal dogmas that suddenly you are meant to take on board or you’re an evil person that deserves your suffering!

I find this type of ‘caring’ highly offensive. And disrespectful. People supposedly caring, do not listen to you or pay attention, they don’t even give you the chance often, to articulate what is going on and how you perceive it in your troubled mind. People mostly listen with the intention to reply, and not because they want to hear you. Before you finish your sentence, they’ve jumped in and made their own conclusions and carry on from there presenting you with arguments to support their thinking and prove you wrong.

This type of mentality can often be more pertinent in culturally and linguistically diverse groups as they often operate on a collectivist - tribal mentality versus an individualist - person-centered one. All hell can brake loose if you dare to challenge them. If you dare to be you. If you dare to disagree.

I’m currently dealing with this issue with my brother who constantly gives me books, sends me invites to lectures and motivational events and pushes me to anger and I struggle to not react and get into fights. Any ideas could help me I guess.

[white knight]

Hi Donte,

A safe distance is what we use to avoid cars hitting us pedestrians. No different for keeping people at arms length. My sister and I both have bipolar2 and depression. We have almost mastered the distance thing. She 6 years younger has the older brother domination thing going on and I have the supervisory older brother attitude. Both are in ground but we tolerate through distance, which has made us very close. Only now and then do our bipolars lock together to cause a "Korean event", a standoff.

Distance is your friend.

But if that doesn't work then more distance say xmas time only and mental health is a no go zone. As you say they mean well but don't know how to approach. If they don't try to help they are uncaring, if they do they are smothering. This is the sufferers dilemma.

Conclusions on psychiatric matter amuse me. I often state "so a psych takes 15 years to become qualified to treat me and you have zero education...yet you advise treatment, how does that work? Also- "I'll rely on the psych for that bit of advice thanks" and so on.

As sufferers we cannot monitor our relationships well and take the best course of action. Our words and behavior is often extreme so the fallout with others is also extreme. We need to implement barriers like a funnel or a fortress to install an area like a customs dept.

google Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

We can hone our skills. We need to alter how we've replied to siblings and parents so they take notice. This isn't easy going against our nature but because we do we hit home strongly.

Topic: wit,-the only answer for torment-beyondblue

That has suggestions on replies, to make a difference.

But Donte, we really need to accept we are not perfect, we have high expectations of ourselves. Other "normal" people allow 'water off a ducks back' but I find that impossible. This causes massive guilt.

Topic: your own worse enemy- beyondblue

Some time ago I had a nagging cousin. Everytime we met he mentioned I need to "have some patience" to the point of him and I being terminal. So I asked him where I can buy patience because I have a few spare dollars on me. ( I was using wit) then wrote

Topic: supermarket shelves- beyondblue

At the end of the day it comes down to seeking a direction in life. Until I had direction spiritually (not religion) and sought out myself as a person I had no defence.

Topic: inner peace, the glory of being YOU- beyondblue

Then I've been happier

TonyWK