When determination & motivation become a problem by interfering with self care

[Elizabeth CP]

I was doing well for a while. After motivating sessions with psychologist & psychiatrist and life stresses easing somewhat I set some goals and started working towards them. I kept a daily record of how I was going with each of the different goals and this proved helpful by focusing on what I had achieved rather than what I hadn't done. I had a couple of bad nights sleep one due to my husband being unwell but still kept myself going. Unfortunately I remained tired and was unable to sleep in to catch up.  My problem now is that I am in the middle of a project at home which is taking longer than expected partly because pushing myself to work when tired has led to mistakes and inefficiency. 

I either push myself as I did last night and then when I stop I can't relax which then stops me sleeping creating ongoing problems or I give in and rest but then I keep noticing all the stuff needing doing so can't get the rest I needed. I have  had long term problems with pushing myself too hard and not caring for myself. If I am not being productive I feel worthless which makes my depression worse but fatigue is also a huge trigger for depression. This pushing myself has been a pattern since a traumatic event as a child which left me feeling guilty for doing nothing to help so feeling useless is a trigger for very negative self talk.

Does anyone else have problems balancing being motivated & productive & carrying out more relaxing activities / self care to remain well

[Paul]

Hi Elizabeth CP,

It's interesting how a bad night's sleep has spiralled and touched triggers along the way. As you would well know, slowing the spiral down again letting go of the inordinate pressures we impose on ourselves is the key.

It's easier said than done and I can completely relate to how something small grows and drags us down.

I wonder how you would go if you made time to relax, but not sit on the lounge or anything, head out for a walk and really listen and see and smell as you go. I think the way to arrest the spiral is finding a way to relax and regain your energy without feeling as though you should be doing something. A walk, anywhere taking in everything as if it were new to you and observing things with all of your senses (except for of course tasting things as you go, that could get a bit silly!)

During your walk, your brain is going to start rambling on about how you should be doing something and it will go on with the usual chatter and evoke the usual feelings. This is YOUR walk so a way to diffuse the chatter and feelings are to let them come to mind, examine them a bit like you are as you walk, be inquisitive and then give the feelings a name or acknowledge the thoughts without judgement or answering them. Once you have named and acknowledged, put the feeling and the thought away. I have a stupid looking orange pouch I imagine these examined thoughts and feelings being put in. 

It takes a bit of practice but can really help diffuse the chatter and the unwelcome feelings, especially during your time to wind down and get some energy back.

Another overriding thing that you would know is that we do still have ups and downs It's natural and it's part of our recovery. Are you able to accept and acknowledge to yourself without judgement that you've hit a bit of a pothole at the moment but it will get better?

I'd love to know if you find the exercise I use helps you too

Take care, remember we're all here and ready to listen no matter what!

Paul x

[Elizabeth CP]

Thank you Paul for your post. Walking is usually helpful but at the moment isn't working. Your idea of the orange pouch is a good idea but I need to get the emotional energy to practise it which I don't have at the moment. I feel like a failure as I can't motivate myself to do what I need to help myself. Sorry for complaining

[Paul]

Hi Elizabeth,

Please don't apologise for complaining, that's what these forums are for, as you know!

When I lose motivation to do things I fall back on something that I like doing, or something that feels the least horrible doing. Is there something that feels least burdensome that you could do for just a really short while?

How have you handled feeling like this in the past?

Paul

[Doolhof]

Hi Elizabeth,

I can so relate to your post! I grew up in a household where we all had a very strong work ethic drummed into us. Not a bad thing as long as it is also balanced out with time for relaxing and personal pleasures.

In the past I have worked myself up to such a state thinking that I had to get everything completed NOW and not tomorrow or next week.

Over time I have realised that my life does not have to be that regimental or restricted to work only and no fun.

Some days I write a list of the jobs/things I feel I need to achieve and tick them off as I go. I also tell myself I do not have to complete them all today. I also write down a few nice things that I enjoy doing.

Trying to balance my day out around these ideas work well for me. Lately I have been taking time out for a walk now and then. As Paul mentioned a walk can be beneficial in so many ways.

The other night I decided to just sit outside and look at the sky for a while before I thought of doing anything else. That was very calming until he mosquitoes decided to feast on me! Ha. Ha.

It isn't always easy, but I hope you are able to find a balance.

Cheers for now from Dools

[Elizabeth CP]

Thank you Paul and Dools for your encouraging advice. I am glad I'm not the only one with this problem. I struggle to get the balance right particularly when I am working on something which is not going well. If I push myself when too tired I risk making mistakes and taking longer which spirals into more negative feelings. I I try to rest I feel guilty and can't relax knowing I haven't finished particularly if it is a messy project.  I was writing things down & ticking them off  and that definitely helped.  I am still requiring a lot of motivation & willpower & even nagging from my husband (with my permission) to do things which should be enjoyable /relaxing such as walking & swimming. I was set some homework by my psych which was helping but I stopped doing it once I became overtired. I don't know why it is so hard to do self care.  

[Doolhof]

Hi Elizabeth,

One great thing about this forum is that we soon realise we are not the only one experiencing something like lack of motivation or anything else.

Some days I am really tired and can't seem to be able to tackle anything at all. I tell myself that it is okay to be like that, to just relax and not give myself a hard time over it. Easier said than done I know, but it works for me.

The next day I might try a little harder, and if I still don't manage to achieve everything I set out to do, then I give myself thanks for what I have managed to do.

Have a look at The BB Café and Walking Shoes Walking Group threads her on this site. They have both encouraged me.

Would you like to share more about the kind of things you are really struggling to achieve? I find if I break jobs and tasks down, then they are easier to achieve.

Like instead of cleaning the whole house at once, I might decide to sweep and mop one day and then find something enjoyable and rewarding to do. The next day I can decide to tackle something else.

Having your husband encourage you can be very helpful too.

All the best with finding a balance and a way to accept the things you can achieve now and stuff you can comfortably leave for later.

I am now going to sweep and wash our floors and dust tomorrow!

Cheers from Dools

[Mares73]

Dear Elizabeth like Doolhof I grew up with a strong work ethic. As an adult I've had very high self expectations & know how it feels to think your a failure for struggling to juggle multiple tasks & to try & get any rest. I started to realise I was filling my mind & life to capacity with various pressures & I think I did this because I feared if I stopped I wouldn't be able to cope with all the emotions bubbling under the surface. I also relate to being so overtired & running on adrenalin that I couldn't slow myself down to sleep no matter how tired.  Perhaps a helpful task would be to list everything on your mind then go through the list slowly numbering each task by priority. Then you can start to identify things that come second to your self care. You will find there will be priorities but they'll also be things that can wait a day or two. Then your goal would be on less pressured days to come home & do relaxing things ie bath, shower, reading & so on. These things aren't time wasters-in fact they will help you recover your energy & sense of calm. Knowing when you've reached your capacity shows great insight. Next step is what action to take when you've reached this point. Self are would be number one. You will perform surprisingly better & more productive if you get some breaks or respite. Perhaps also write a list of what you enjoy & choose something to do from this list when frazelled. I know it may feel uncomfortable to put your needs a priority but in doing so you also restore your strength & will most probably find you have more energy. Please take care & let us know how your going.

Mares X 

[Elizabeth CP]

Thank you Dools & Mares for your reply. My dad in particular was a very hard worker and I really admired everything he made. My parents encouraged me to achieve my goals but never pressured me. I used being productive & helpful to deal with negative feelings of self worth caused by bullying @ school. Guilt feelings following a bushfire as a 10 yr old  due to not doing anything to help added to this. For years I cared for my kids & then my disabled mother and now I'm carer for my husband who has been unwell frequently over the last 2 years. I therefore have the responsibility of doing all the tasks around the house he previously helped with such as gardening & home renovation. I wrote another post re difficulty enjoying anything which explains this problem. This means getting a break is a challenge. I have been on the Walking shoes thread. 

Sorry I feel guilty for whinging when most people have much worse situations. Knowing what to do doesn't make it easy to do it

[pipsy]

Dear Elizabeth.  Don't know if this will help, a friend mentioned it to me some weeks ago and it really put things into perspective for me.  Women are supposed to be able to multi-task.  Be it making beds, tidying up generally, washing dishes, laundry etc.  The way it was explained to me was: imagine your brain is made up of several  boxes.  Each box is for a different purpose, dishes in one, bed making in another.  When we find it hard to 'open' the box we want to work with, it throws us because that's not supposed to happen.  So we try and open another box, even though that's not the box we wanted to open.  Because we're trying to do something we didn't start off doing, it's harder to accomplish.  When this happens, the best thing is to completely shut all the boxes and walk away till we are in the right place emotionally to open the box we first tried to open.  Sometimes, it can take several attempts to open and complete the task we wanted to do.  When this happens, we feel we've failed ourselves because, as I said, we're supposed to be able to multi-task.  I don't know about you, but there's only so much I can do at once.  I've learned to not take on board when I can't do what I originally tried to do, that only leads me to more self recrimination and that's counter-productive.   I hope you are able to understand the point I'm trying to make.  When you have to walk away, instead of feeling guilty or that you've failed (because you haven't), look on it as recharging the batteries.  We all need recharging, none of us can go without this. 

Hope I've helped you see it from a new perspective.  Recharging is positive.  It's good.