What's up.

[chrisjacob]

Soooo, I'm about to turn 29 and couldn't be more un happy. Typical story I have everything and more than I've ever wanted and worked for evey bit of it. I don't buy into the poor me thing and don't really care to be bothered with it. I feel that my life is a complete shade of black and everything around me is blacker. Nothing interests me and I don't really care because I just want to be left alone by everyone. I can't help but feel like a whiney silver spoon fed mummies boy because I feel that most people with these thoughts are. I have achieved everything in my life on my own without the help from anyone and like it that way. Now most professionals would say I'm lonely and un loved but wrong I have a loving wife, friends etc.lol. insecure?  Lol. Love my life and everything I do and have. I'm not suicidal because I would rather live with this than take the easy way out. Summary - every second of every day of every hour it never ends and theres nothing we can do about it.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear chris,

When I read your thread I thought of Canberra - it's got all that stuff going on, self elected mostly, some privileges, etc.  But it's also very sterile, dry, not very inspiring or connected. (No wonder they claim so much travel).

You don't sound whiney.  You don't sound bored.  You don't even sound unhappy unless you count the lack of a good vibe from all your achievements qualifies but I'm not sure that "things" can make us happy or unhappy.  They're just things.  But isn't this the case with every dream, every idea ?  Once you have embraced and succeeded in one venture there is always another one beckoning ?

Have you considered doing some volunteer work ?  Helping that old lady up the road with her lawn ?   Getting a dog so that you can chew the cud with the community on the street rather than maintain an aloofness and non particapatory role.  Kind gestures can transform sterility.   Thinking of others is the best way to put the silver spoon back in the drawer.  I would lock that drawer too.

What is the most important thing for you to do ?   "My life is a complete shade of black and everything around me is blacker" is your belief structure.  Who ya gonna call ?  Blackbusters ?    Seriously, if this is a whinge it's probably something like "I'm depressed because I've got nothing really to be depressed about".   A sort of intellectual depression.  But you have yourself.  And your wife.  And the night is young.   Maybe the silver spoon can get slipped out of the drawer for a quick polish at 2am but, really, you are better off spooning Life.

Adios, David.

PS  I have 3 kids (19, 20, 21) and enjoy spooning Life.  Oh, and 26 yrs bipolar.

[chrisjacob]

Have a dog. With my job I'm lucky enough to help people with a need on a daily basis. The problem with that is that I feel like the more you give the more people take piece by piece until there's nothing left. I do understand this because I feel that people subconsciously do this not on purpose, just human nature to want more than we already have. Which inlies what you stated never quiet happy with what I have,  I believe it is because everything I have now I have had to fight tooth and claw for. So coming from nothing and having everything I ever wanted is a foreign thing to me. I do donate whenever I can to give back to people less fortunate when possible. Some would say it's that I don't feel worthy of what I have which maybe true but I'm definitely grateful. 

 I do realise how stupid this all sounds but I just can't seem to let it go and be happy. 

Anyway thanks for the pep up.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear chris,

Would you be happier if you lost everything you "had to fight tooth and claw for" ?

Maybe it's hard to accept where we are at the best and the worst of times.  It's all a bit subjective.  When you had nothing maybe you had everything - some hopes, dreams, aspirations, motivation, etc.  One you achieve it's all a bit flat and you need a different goal.  Probably one that doesn't involve counting commercial or media related ideas of success, which itself is pretty stereotypical.

I like the fact that you're musing on all these thoughts, chilling out with the space of thinking, having a long hard look at what you really want to do with your life and generally being a very accepting and dynamic person.  Not locked in to any format.  Well, just this response box/response/moderation/update BB/check in to see what's been posted and have a cheese sandwich with your glass of white wine.

It's hard not to mention relationships - partner/friends - but having a dog to walk is probably more valuable in your current musing.  You need a dog to stop at the kerb as you're thinking "Mmmm, maybe the silver encrusted Henry V butter dish I purchased online at Christie's Auction last month is what's making me unhappy - I could have gone for the 40c plastic one with clear lid from the supermarket". Lol. You know what I mean. 

I don't think it matters if you feel like a bit of a mummy's boy.  If a mummy can't indulge her children the world would end.  My mum once posted me over from England cake covers with netting to keep the flies off.  Cos Australia would never have that kind of thing, would it ?   I'm sure other mums send underwear to America fearing the worst that that land of baseless criminals wouldn't provide suitable undergarments for their special child.   When you have kids this behaviour will grow exponentially.  With success comes criticism.  In your case, self criticism.

Adios, David.

[chrisjacob]

Lol. Silver encrusted henry V butter dish or whatever.  You definitely made me have a good chuckle. Truth is you still dont quite get it. 

What about this.....

We all have our horrors and our demons to fight.

But how can I win, when I'm paralyzed?

They crawl up on my bed, wrap their fingers around my throat.

Is this what I get for the choices that I made?

That's

s not mine but it is probably the best way to explain whatI mean.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Chris,

Good to hear back from you although I must admit with my last response being 17 Oct and today being 26 Oct I had kind of given up on you.   My bad.

Let's discuss things a bit more.  I'll be a bit more specific and leave references to the butter dish well be.   That was just to get your attention.  Let's be more serious this time around.  Isn't this what you want ?  Someone to take you seriously ?

There is nothing to get, nothing to win, nothing to make a choice about, nothing to explain if you can accept the past/trauma/make a few different choices/look out for yourself/pick off the triggers/work out a strategy for these darkest of times instead of continually "battling" with the never never.    

Don't be fooled by my humourous or glib misdirected responses. We've all been there.   That's a given when you respond on BB.  I just chose NOT to glorify these kind of depressed feelings and let them "wrap their fingers around my throat".  It's good to recognise what emotional balance and psychological horror you are in but it's also something of a trapped comfort to hide behind and if you've told an anonymous responder that he doesn't "get it" then you've probably told many others that they don't "get it" too.  Do you want anyone to "get it" ?

You might have to wait till you're ready.  When someone writes that they "have achieved everything in life on my own and without any help and like it that way" you are making yourself wonderfully independant and wholesome but at the same time you are coming across as "stuck" in that very narrow belief.  No one does anything on their own.  There's help from the world at some stage.  Else, why would you want to achieve anything and get recognised anyway ?

Who are you working for ?   Which demons are you fighting and who for ?  Why even "fight" with "don't get it" words on a BB site ?   Are you venting ?  Is it too hard to understand the self perpetual nature of depression when you want to reach out but you don't want anyone to really understand how bad it is.  And how can they ?  You alone have these particular thoughts.

"Is that what I get for the choices I've made".   Possibly,  but you also get to have more choices.    The Truth whilst "getting" things and feelings might connect or disconnect but the real Truth is that we have the choice to make choices in the first place.  Free will.   You hold your choices in higher esteem than your living.

Feeling bad with copious self criticism isn't really a choice when you've suffered these things long enough.  29 is way too young to be wallowing in self pity.  Wait till you're 80 and the self pity will be that you didn't grasp life as hard as you grasped the allure of death.    Why assume that I've not attempted suicide ?  3 times.   I would be well experienced to actually state that it might be you that doesn't "get it".   As you opening thread states "I'm not suicidal because I would rather live than take the easy way out".   You might find that statement patronises some surviving suicidal victims as living is way easier than dying.

But you want everything to be hard.  Why ?  I look forward to your response.

Adios, David.

[Yana8216]

Dear Chris,

I can empathise with you, I too have everything I could ever want or need ( a bit more money to spend on fuel, groceries & eating out would be good, but apart from that...) and yet I live with a constant feeling of unease. I feel unsettled, and I have difficulty thinking of leisure activites I enjoy that aren't detrimental to my health. I do like movies & tv but I feel guilty about spending too much time in front of a screen. I enjoy socialising with about 7 people on the earth, mainly close family, socialising with anyone else is a chore. Why do people who barely know me invite me to have coffee with them? What's the point? I don't make any money out of it, in fact it COSTS me money, I don't get any housework done, and it doesn't promote enough personal or spiritual growth for me to bother with. I'm finding this little complain therapeutic and indulgent. I struggle sometimes with the thought I might be elusive and a grouch, but most of the time I manage to like myself. So yay for us "Silver Spoon" people!

[Yana8216]

Hmm, just reading my own post from more than a year ago, glad to say I'm feeling a little more cheerful these days... Coffee date I was winging about in the above post turned out to be very relaxed and enjoyable and somewhat helped restore my faith in socialising. Grateful to the lovely lady who invited me, and like-minded people for me to meet. And TV is still awesome.