Hi there, I don't even know where to begin. I have never been to counseling or seeked help and to be honest its probably only been the last 2-3 years that i have felt this way (this heavy) so I'm just soo confused in the head. I think about death but i could never harm myself as i don't won't it to effect anybody else. Plus my dog needs me. Funny or as sad as that is i really feel like my dog is all i have. I haven't had a great up bringing, I don't remember much at all from my childhood but i do remember there being a lot of violence. My mum and myself have a very toxic relationship and i feel like a lot of my emtional state comes from her. I have never felt good enough and always felt like i need to prove my worth to her where she would over compensate with my two younger brother's (one who's 2yrs younger has server depression & another who's 8yrs younger was always sick as a child). I know she love's and cares for me but its like she doesn't bother proving it. We have always fought my whole life growing up. I am very gypsy with my nature and an empath where my mother who was very much a gypsy before having us was very judgmental and critical, especially about one's looks. I have always struggled with my weight and and growing up we were all on a pretty strict no fat foods no sugar diet. The middle brother was alway the better looking one, the skinny one and the most popular one but i feel because of all that plus his depression and anxiety mum put a lot of herself into him an blamed me for a lot of his wrong doings or blaming me for the way he is almost. I get really emtional when i talk about my feelings but especially when that comes to talking to my mother. I turn into a nervous wreak and breakdown.
