I am a 33 yr old married mum of 3. I have suffered from depression since the age of 14. Possibly earlier. The reason I know I had it at 14 is because that is when I began to self-harm.
At the time I didn't know what depression was - why I just wanted to stop existing.
It wasn't until I reached about 20 that I discovered there was such a thing as depression and possibly I had it.
I have worked very hard to try and 'fix' myself. Everything except take medication.
I have tried eating well, sleeping well, going to counselling, making myself get out there and amongst the people, joining teams, becoming involved in my childrens' school, I even enrolled and was accepted to uni (which I have nearly completed now).
I am at the point where I am tired of fighting this disease which I have had for more than half of my life.
I have been fearful of anti-depressants because my older sister tried them and ended up committed for a time. I don't want to be locked up. I am scared I will go even more crazy - I don't know what will happen to my brain. I don't want to live in a fog, drugged to exist.
My father suffers/ed a mental illness, unsure what but I know he did take massive pills for it. My eldest sister I have spoken about. My brother is a heroine addict. My little sister has had over 10 suicide attempts (that I know about).
Simply, I come from a background of 'crazy'.
Lately it seems to be getting worse (does this happen if left untreated/unmanaged for so long?). About two years ago I experienced a wonderful 3mths - thought I was getting better - turns out it was a mild 'up' - since then I have swung more between up and down, it's like a roller coaster. I am in a severe down at the moment, waiting for the up to kick in before I give up on life completely.
I also feel more destinct 'personalities' forming. This is a little scary as I am not sure what is happening to me.
So, the time has come for me to give meds a go, as the alternative is that I depart this life.
I am in rural nsw and the medical services are shit. I don't know what my next step is - can anyone tell me where I can go, and I will endeavour to find the services I need.
I am also scared that if people find out how crazy I am they will take my kids away (even though I would never harm them or myself in front of them), and it may jeopordise the line of work I am trying to work towards.
I am also secretly fearful that after 6 yrs at uni, slogging my guts out, I will not be able to engage in full time work. I struggle to complete the responsibilities I already have.
