Vent from struggle

[AbsoluteAe]

Hello,

Struggling with depression and social anxiety for 20+ years to varying degrees. Seeing a psych and trying my best for the most part.

On holiday vefore starting a new job and staying with family.

Had a quick hello with some new people and one gave everyone a hug as she was leaving as "shes a hugger" and I felt a mental dam burst, I felt/feel so ashamed, normally that wouldnt bother/effect me but it was a short and it takes me awhile (weeks) to warm up to people, I'm not particularly shy but I can be quiet when I have nothing to say. Just woefully sad that all I could manage was a hello, that a hug was wasted.

On the train back I had to cover my face from my early teens niece and nephew as I was crying and trying to jeep it together. I think my oldest niece picked up on it and switched seats to rest her head on me and all I could do was hold it in like supressing a grenade.

Just one of those days where its easier to be alone rather than hurt people. Most days talking to people feels like we're a million miles apart, disconnected or forced conversations, unnatural to fill time but can never grow.

Venting to release some pressure. Would go for a walk but in a bad neighborhood.

Regards.

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome to beyond blue. How are your sessions with your psych going?

You said at the bottom of your post that you were venting to release the pressure. Maintaining a journal or writing here can be helpful. I find it is. Allow the thoughts to get out of the mind and on paper. Here of course is the benefit of other users responding. So if it helps please continue to write here.

Have to go, but I will be back later to check in with you.

Tim

[baet123]

Hey AbsoluteAe,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for sharing your story with us. Extremely brave of you. I can tell your super resilient having dealt with depression/SA for twenty plus years.

New job? Congratulations. What occupation if you don't mind me asking?

I think you might be a bit to hard on yourself. There is no reason to feel ashamed as what your experiencing is so normal. It is amazing that you are expressing your emotions and there is nothing wrong with crying. It is so much better to let your emotions out and that is something we all need to do more of (myself included). It is also super encouraging that you have a supportive family. That is amazing what your niece did and this is such a positive aspect of your life.

With your psychiatrist/other health professionals have you ever tried gradual exposure techniques? I sense you feel that you do not know how to react in certain situations but I have the same problem and we all do and we live and we learn and if we do it often enough, we get better at those situations.

We all have days where we feel like you are feeling at the moment just know people care for you and that tomorrow will be better.

Hope this helped and look forward hearing back from you.

All the best,

Nick.

[AbsoluteAe]

Hi Tim & Nick,

Apologies for not replying earlier, I've been struggling through starting the new job and kept postponing/avoiding following various things up (cough lodging tax cough).

Ramble deleted. Short version, new job (work in IT) is stressful as I don't feel like I'm contributing much for the salary I'm on but early days.

Another ramble deleted. Short version, not feel great at the moment but I know I need to change, I just haven't found that switch in my head or the mental pathway where I can accept any change in my social behaviour/exposure.

Regards,

Adam

[Missing_Akaboo]

Hello AbsoluteAe,

Thanks for your meaningful post. Vents are really good and you raised my awareness that I too can vent in a safe space like this forum. If I can do this ASAP then it may reduce the occurence of losing it in front of my kids and kind total strangers. While it's fine to lose it, it's the explanation afterwards that makes losing it complicated and the ongoing concern from those you confide in, while full of good intention, just exacerbates things. "I just needed to vent. It's done. Please no more questions, check ins or looks of concern."

You have inspired a new coping strategy for me. Before I have to interact with people, I can jump online and have a mini vent and hopefully when kind meaningful people do the lovely things they do, I don't get so overly emotional and sustain a pleasant moment rather than a "well that was a very awkward overshare..."

If I develop better social skills from this revelation, then thank you in advance AbsoluteAe!