tough day

[pawsy]

i went to a funeral today. i felt out of place because i didn't know anyone. i knew the deceased person a long time ago. i left early. after i got home. i called a friend. he had his own things going on and we didnt connect very well. i cut the call short and fell into a nasty spiral. combination of thinking about the death of this person and all the time that has gone by, and feeling extremely isolated and frightened of the future. a feeling that all the years have just led me to this dark lonely place, and the future only holds worse and worse things. i feel i have failed everything and everyone and that people would prefer it if i just went away. i feel incapable of contributing anything of value at all. even though i know this is rather extreme and not objectively true, it is how i feel.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

You sound like a caring person to attend that funeral of your friend. Then needing a shoulder to rest your sadness, not to find it.

Firstly, we have to find our emotional boundaries. In the case of funerals, I have definite boundaries- I will attend a service but only enter with the crowd if asked to contribute to the service by way of addressing them. Otherwise, I will remain outside and be there to support others in their grief as they pour out. Next- I never enter cemeteries. It is sure to trigger me.

Your friend you rang- its a bit like friends not relating to mental illness really, that friend wasn't in grief mode so how could he/she be sympathetic?

To me there are two types of friend. The firs tis the one that when you ring and tell them you are having a bad day, they ask questions almost non stop then offer to come round or meet at a café. The second is the one you called, that fall short of filling a supportive role.

Google

Beyondblue topic depression and sensitivity- a connection?

I hope you have picked up somewhat and care for yourself. There is phone numbers at the bottom of this page or repost here if you want to talk further.

TonyWK

[pawsy]

thank you for this reply. i found the thing you wrote about needing a shoulder to rest the sadness and not finding it helpful. funerals are hard, arent they? even though they are often good too. this one didnt go well for me, and i fell down a hole. and noone to help me, on that afternoon anyway. your words did help me tho, thank you.

pawsy

[White_Rose]

Hello Pawsy

Funerals can be upsetting no matter how well or otherwise you knew the deceased person. Not knowing any of the other mourners does make us feel out of place. Funerals can be confronting as they remind us of our own mortality. This is definitely where we need the support of others. When we are also managing our various mental illnesses, mourning a friend can hit us hard.

It's good you can write about what's happening for you. Talking with a friend is a good thing but when that's not available writing can help.

It's upsetting and scary when we fall into that spiral of despair. And of course it takes on a life of its own. I am pleased you were able to climb out of that trap as it shows you are still resilient. Recognising your friend did not have anything to give and ending the call shows your compassion. It is so very hard to ask for help then find it's not available.

Do you have any plans or activities you can go to when you get distressed? Doing something physical such as weeding the garden, can be a good way to relieve your feelings. Nothing quite like attacking a few weeds to make you feel good. Put a list of these activities on your fridge door. It removes the need to think of something to do just at the moment when the brain gets lost. Just go with the list.

I remember reading about someone who always did housework when she was in a bad place. She cleaned the same room so many times it shone. For me housework is not something I enjoy and I turn to other activities. But I hope you get the idea.

Mary

[white knight]

Hi Pawsy

Thankyou for replying.

Mary had some good ideas there.

Writing is a great way to express your emotions. I write poetry and that enables me to open up my poetry book of some 250 poems and browse through them. As an example I wrote this one about 25 years ago. I hope you like it.-

TO KISS HIS TEMPLE

There were some things I knew as taboo
to express my love but to question who?
to touch the pale face of my dad back then
when touching taboo...when "men were men"

For boys were male and "you cant do that"
jealous of my sister and that is that
that man couldnt hug his son for how he was seen
nowadays if you hugged your son- well, you'd be relieved.

And so my dad the salt of the land
wouldnt touch me even by hand
he knew he loved me and I him
with a wink of an eye from under his brim

Then that day we all regret came along
where watery eyes was met by song
and there he lie with an eerie smile
I be alone with him for just a while.

As I stroked his forehead cool to touch
I raised my head automatically as such
to kiss his temple of which I dare
I knew his mind was well aware.

Of all the kisses I missed
they gathered together in just one kiss
finally as his spirit rose and went
he left his love and hugs were spent

I never craved again heart be blessed
that tradition of males their love expressed
a kiss on his forehead way back then
ended an era when "men were men"....

So in essence the one thing I always missed as a young boy was the cuddles and kisses my old fashioned but wonderful father used to give me, because those days men didn't do that to boys. Eventually I saved them all up and gave him a kiss as he had just passed.

Writing is no different, a short story of your hurt, fears or adventures. It lets it all out.

I hope you have gained some ideas of what to expect next time you have a similar event.

TonyWK

[white knight]

You can also write about happy things

PINKY THE PIG

Pinky the pig began to cry
Pinky didn’t have a curly tail
Like the others in the sty

They laughed aloud the other piggies
While rolling in the dirt
They didn’t think for a moment
-the level of their hurt

Then one day the other piggies
Fell into deep mud- such stink!!
All of them were stuck
Except pointy pinky pink

Then with a smile
and a wagging straight tail
pinky pointed at them with glee
pinky pulled them all to safety
finally they were free

So legend has it that pinky was heroic
And the other piggies began to cry
They all wished they had a pointy tail
And were special in the sty…

LITTLE FEATHER

Little feather left and right
As you fall slowly in the night
Coming from a nest above
A bed of twigs and a world of love

Down it falls on the ground
A gust of wind to toss it around
Then as the sun rose to dry it out
The lighter it was to get out and about

Then along came a bird full of love
To take little feather to her nest above
Where little feather was put in a nest
To warm the heart where baby bird rests…

BOX OF TOYS
Not a sound as they dozed, two little girls asleep
First the little teddy bears would open their eyes for a peek

When it was all clear the fairies drifted down
To touch the toys on their heads, the animals and clowns

The soldiers marched up and down to front each face to face
Followed by a hug of love…a meaningful embrace

The dolls poked their faces up from beneath the little girls beds
To boss the little teddy bears and make sure they were fed

Then the clowns drove the toy trucks and Barbie’s did their hair
It all looked quite a miracle but the children unaware

Finally as morning came it stopped this night of joy
Instantly they all went back- to being just a toy

As the girls opened their eyes to the still of quiet and day
They imagined that box of toys were alive with love and play

TonyWK