tired of feeling alone and disappointed

[lperez]

Hello,

This is my first time posting anything about my struggle with depression, im hoping this will allow me to get through it this time. I am a 26 years old and have been suffering with feeling alone most of my life. Im currently engaged to a wonderful man who cant seem to help me. I feel like im living a double life. My family and friends have no idea that I wake up with a huge knot in my throat and wanting to burst in tears, instead they see a happy person who is constantly making jokes and enjoying life. Im constantly relying on others to validate my happiness, which I know isnt right but I cant help but feel that way. I feel as though no one is loyal anymore and im always dissapointed my actions from my "friends". I just started seeing a therapist and am struggling from being so emotionally connected. I hate my deep thoughts and wish I could just enjoy life more. sometimes I just want to runaway and start fresh but I know I cant. I hope there is someone out therethat feels the same, because im finding it hard to find someone that feels the way i do. Everyone around seems so happy and surrounded by supportive friends. please help.

[geoff]

dear Iperez, welcome aboard.

When we are depressed we see that everyone seems to be happy and enjoying life, that's because we aren't, no one can be more miserable than the way we feel.

People don't appear to be loyal simply because they aren't trying to help us through this awful period, sure there maybe jokes and plenty of laughing, but non of this is helping me cope with my depression.

They don't understand that deep down we are hurting like hell, and that we go home and slump on our bed and cry, they just don't realise the pain that I have to go through everyday of my life.

It's so hard for someone that you live with or are about to become married to, to comprehend or understand why all of a sudden we have changed and become non commutative and all we want to do is cry.

This validation of happiness from your 'friends' will slowly stop and you will with draw even further, and that's why you and the counsellor have to be able to get on, and that there is no hesitation in being able to talk to him/her.

I know that you have another post which I will read after I send this off to you.

Please rest assured that you have many real friends here on this site, people who you can talk to without any criticism, only support. L Geoff. x

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Iperez,

Geoff's right - not many family/friends would help you even if they did know what you're going through.  There might be a few comments like "snap out of it" or "what's wrong with you - you're engaged to be married !".  And so on.

But deep inside you have darkness and rely on "others to validate my happyness".   Unfortunately, no one can "make" you bubbly and happy, only you can.  It's up to you to delve into these dislocated thoughts - maybe even the marriage is causing a lot of anxiety and "Am I good enough ?" thinking.

You wouldn't post this message if you didn't think you were worth it.   It's a start.  But the running away feeling is common.  The old "fight" or "flight" issue.   Do you confront the feelings or run away from them ?  In Runaway Bride 2 Julia Roberts still runs away from her wedding despite a lot of preparation and Richard Gere gets dumped at the alter.    There's that moment she gets on a Federal Express truck and the side kick responds to the question "Where is she going ?" with the timeless answer "I don't know, but wherever she's going she'll be there by 9am in the morning".  It's classic "flight" behaviour.   Have you seen the movie ?

Try and hang in there.  Does your therapist advise to delay or postpone you wedding until you can sort out some issues ?  Weddings and relationships can be a lot of pressure - lots of other people trying to control things.  Not healthy.

Happyness might look great but it can be hard to sustain too.  I think where you're at with your depression is an equally valid emotion.    Not being happy isn't a disease, just a state of mind.  Some people are happy in their nature.   You've just got the short straw at the moment.  So try and figure it out.  Your mental health is important, not just to people you know, but yourself and your fiance. Good Luck.

Adios, David.

[geoff]

dear Iperez, David Charles is spot on, about 'sorting out some issues' before getting married, and this is no criticism on your part, it's just that by getting married won't validate your happiness in the long run.L Geoff. x