The ups and downs of living with depression

[DJ_4x4]

It’s been 4 years since my last post. I gess why I am righting again is because last time I found some relief in getting my thoughts down and out. It’s a strange old life that I live I really feel at eezs talking to a complete strangers yet I am unable to approach a family member or friend. I am a 38 year old man been living with anxiety and depression as long as I can remember While my anxiety now seems some what under control my depression comes and goes like the wind.

It’s be a particularly hard year for me more so much than any other. At the start of the year I lost a friend and family member to suicide and am still to this day trying to deal with this his loss. Anyone that I would have consider as a close friend has all but disappeared form my life it’s been more than 2 year since I last visited a friend more than a year since I have spoken to one of my friends on the phone. If someone was to ask me today if I had any friends I would reply as “no I don’t” and on top of all this my job that I do actually in joy and take grate satisfaction form has been a roller coaster ride with many changes this year both good and bad.

For the last few months I could probably say I have been Doing ok considering.

so last week end I decided to go out for the first time in a long time a night out and have a few drinks at a local clubs (nothing of considering level just a few drinks)and there as it just so happened I met a beautiful young girl and had what I would describe as “one of the best nights of my life” the first time I can say that I really had a good time and enjoy myself all year. But it was not to last. I have been on a high all week long smiling and even at times giggling to myself.

Now same day one week later I have crashed hard into a equal all time low, it’s hard for me now just to see what I am typing as tears stream down my face...

i know with experience in depression I will slowly climb back up but it’sa long long climb that seems to get harder every time.

so I gess what I mean to say or thoughts form this is that I am always worry about the next time I might have a good time or simply feel good because I know the drop is just around the corner time and time again just when I feel I am getting over my depression I seem to just simply tip over the top I can’t deal with my emotions and thoughts my past always haunts my future.

[geoff]

Hello DJ, can I please apologise for no one replying back to you, sometimes time gets away from us.

I also want to sympathise with you over the loss of your friend as well as a family member and with this happening then creates anxiety and with this always comes depression, the two of these are mostly joined together, although they can function separately.

We can never determine when our depression/anxiety will or can return to trouble us, and it can quite easily do so when you meet someone you like, but if anything does happen like an indifference, this can break this enjoyment and open the doors for depression/anxiety to overwhelm you and then let either or both to come rushing through the doors and once again swamp you.

You have to remember that meeting her was the first stage to getting better, it has to start somewhere.

Secondly, I'd like to know whether or not you have been seeing your doctor/psychologist over all of this time because even feeling good should not necessarily mean that you stop doing this and I say this because when you are better there are points that can be talked about that haven't been discussed before.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[SPOONO]

Thats a bummer my fellow depressant, I lost my wife and family to depression including all my possessions so I guess I have a bit of an understanding. I managed to practically kick the depression this way. With me it was like a broken record in my head playing one stuff up after another with me as the idiot. What worked for me was writing it all down every night I log what happens. The result is you don't have to think about the rough stuff only where you have it stored. No more thinking about the lost girl she's in messages in my iphone type of thing. Thats how it works for me, hope it works for you. All my love and best wishes

[DJ_4x4]

Thanks geoff I was never really seeking replies or looking for comments but thanks it means a lot to me. I never been to a see doctor about my anxiety or depression I just try to manage with it as best as I can plus I don’t really care to much for myself or what happens to me. All I want is for others to live a happy life so try to have as little interaction with other people as possible. I don’t want other people to worry about me I am simply not worth the trouble.

[DJ_4x4]

Thanks spoono I am so so sorry about your family. While I know the truth it saddens me there are so many other people out there that know this pain to well and I really hope for peace and joy in your life. If I could I would be happy to give away what little joy I find to others that need it more than me. I have in past found some relief by righting or trying in my thoughts in the past and it’s got me thinking in the past few weeks. I have been considering to start righting a blog more just for myself then anyone elce. There someone I find so honest about righting I have no trouble with letting all my thoughts and emotions just spill out. As a posed to talking face to face I am very reserved and careful with my words not to let anyone seeme or get to close. Thank you spoono I really form my hart wish you all the best.