Still feeling guilt over a mistake

asianaussie · ‎30-09-2019

I'm a student studying, working and running a Freelance Beauty Business. It's not my #1 passion, but I need to make a living. Usually I'm tough with criticism, but this year has been challenging professionally and personally. My business has been okay, but one particular event has really affected me. 4 months ago in May, I was contacted by a woman from Girl Guides who wanted me to do chair massages on 25 women for a Mother's Day event, 2 days beforehand. Initially, I agreed to go, but she insisted I needed to bring a partner. I had been very busy that week, and I was drained and exhausted, but still complied. However, I asked all my classmates (honestly did), and none of them were interested or able to. I told her this, but she still said keep searching. I researched Mobile Massage Business, tried contacting them, but didn't get immediate responses as it was after hours. Additionally, I was also called to work a night shift, which had tipped me over. I informed her I was unfortunately unable to attend anymore. She wrote a long, angry text saying, "Wow I hope that is not how you plan to run your business after you graduate. It was more than an opportunity with fair pay. How dare you scam and deceive our organisation - a charity that empowers and supports women. You have insulted us, especially all the mums who work hard for their kids, much harder than you do. You are selfish and heartless, all what Girl Guides is NOT about. Now we are left panicking and desperately scrambling to find a replacement in less than 24 hours, or cancel the event and have 25 disappointed mums. Won't be surprised if you get sued."
I immediately apologised, offered to help and go to the event. Despite this, she replied she had found someone else and it was too late. I didn't respond and deleted her number. Obviously I was very angry and upset, and cried for a week. Even now, I still can't help but feel stupid and selfish, that I'm hearing her words repeating in my head. I've tried my best to combat it, volunteering Oxfam/Church, playing violin and counselling. Yet it's hard to fight through it. It's a one-off event, but especially the fact this woman leads 3 groups and 'actively involved in community' makes me sick. Being a sensitive, anxious introvert, it really hurts. I know I should 'get over it', as my family and friends have told me. I'm trying. But right now, I just needed to get this off. I'm just wanting to seek advice, support, whatever it maybe. Would appreciate it.

Guest_342 · ‎30-09-2019

Hello asianaussie. How are you today?

It sounds like a fair amount of pressure was placed on you at fairly short notice. While I don’t know all of the details of what happened, I think a key thing here is that something has happened, over which you now have no control.

The other lady has reacted in a certain way that perhaps wasn’t very helpful or respectful. You did your best to try to make the situation better. But for one reason or another the other lady hasn’t been willing to accept your explanation or you offer for help.

We don’t always know why people react they way they do - perhaps we have had a bad day, or are under pressure. Unfortunately, it’s often the case that we take our frustrations out on someone else and we often give our feedback while we are still fuming or our blood is boiling - which, based on having done this myself regrettably, doesn’t tend to make for well-considered or constructive feedback.

So, while this is easier said than done, perhaps you could avoid looking too much into the other lady’s behaviour as a personal attack. To me, the lady’s response sounded like a criticism (potentially not reasonable criticism) given in the heat if the moment. Given time to cool down, perhaps she would have given some more useful and professional feedback.

In the end, it sounds like you have done what is within your control to try to improve the situation. And we can’t control what others do or how they react.

If one of your friends or family members approached you with this problem, how might you advise them? I dare say you would advise them not to worry about it 🙂

If anything, maybe just see it as an opportunity to learn from your experiences.

We’ve all got these stories where we wish we had done something differently. We’re human after all 🙂

You’re fabulous - keep it up and best wishes with the study/work x

Unicorn_Sparkles · ‎01-10-2019

But she contacted you 2 days before mothers day and nobody else in the business or friends of yours were available to help out. Next time she should make a booking further in advance to ensure you have adequate time to make sure you have the people needed to meet the needs of giving 25 people a massage.

I know that sounds blunt, but honestly, the stupidity and selfishness of people sometimes. I could understand her being upset if she had booked you 2 months earlier and you left it until 2 days beforehand to try and organise extra people, but you didn't. You did all the right things and I'm so sorry this idiot has caused you unnecessary grief.

Please look after yourself and I hope you'll eventually be ok and realise that this was not your fault, you did everything you possibly could to avoid letting her down.

Alana_H · ‎01-10-2019

Hi,

That sounds really terrible! I have definitely had moments like that in my career so far and I tended to ruminate over them for ages. The advice posted by Unicorn Sparkles and Gelati about not taking it personally and seeing that others (like Girl Guide leaders) are really bad at coping with stress and that it is not your fault.

My advice would be purely from what I have done to try and combat feeling so negative about my mistakes. I try and think to myself that making mistakes is normal part of building a career, every single CEO or business owner has made mistakes! The most important thing we can do is learn from them and I think form what you have said, you already have! Sometimes I even write everything down and put a "what have I learned from this?" at the bottom. Then when I start ruminating again I think, NO, I've already learned from that, thinking about it is just a waste of my time.

I also just want to reiterate what the others said in that from our point of view that woman was extremely rude and she clearly has some issues and pressures that she is not handling too well, that being said there are loads of rude people in the world, so all we can do is try and be kinder to ourselves and realise they have their own issues.

You sound like you are doing so much exciting stuff, don't let this one thing derail what you've achieved so far! Feel free to jump back on here and let us know how you're going or just vent some more.

Alana_H

P.S. here are some BIG mistakes CEO's have made, just so you know you're not alone! (the Mark Spencer one https://www.businessinsider.com.au/ceo-mistakes-and-apologies-2018-6

asianaussie · ‎01-10-2019

Hey Gelati, thanks so much for responding. Since that incident, I have indeed learned a lot from it. I've learned to become more assertive when dealing with clients, and I've sought help from my current salon boss/teachers/classmates about this. I've since then stepped back from Freelance to focus on TAFE and my current part-time job more, but I've sought some help about dealing with these setbacks when they arise. I definitely could understand that the woman was stressed and under much pressure, and I unintentionally inconvenienced her, and I accept that. My main problem is probably 'caring too much'. For me, I just want to help, and at the end of the day I just want to make people feel better about themselves. So hurting someone, let alone being accused of selfishness, it's not who I want to be. But at the same time, no-one can really become better until they stuff up. After all, how are we supposed to know until it actually happens? Thanks and sending kind wishes back to you

asianaussie · ‎01-10-2019

Hi Unicorn Sparkles, thanks for replying to my post, I appreciate your support and honest words. Yes I have tried the best I could and unfortunately she didn't accept that, it's something I have to take responsibility for. While it's true that she really should have contacted with more notice, and it was definitely not ok to attack me like that, I still believe it was mainly miscommunication. The way I informed her also seemed passive, and I don't think I sounded apologetic, I may have came across too blunt or something. Nonetheless, I agree with you completely and sending much love/peace back to you too

asianaussie · ‎01-10-2019

Hi Alana_H, thanks so much for replying to my post. I'm still quite young (just fresh early-20's), and a novice at running a business. It's something we must all go through, which eventually makes us better. Personally, I battle low-self esteem a lot, and I'm someone who wants to be seen as compassionate, and caring, definitely not what the woman perceived me as. From talking with my sister and peers about this, I've tried to develop habits of self-forgiveness, whether that's meditating, gratitude journal, even spending time post-work to do something nice for myself. Knowing people who run businesses, as well as observing other managers/staff running shops/restaurants, it actually gives me sympathy when they encounter clients. If they have made a mistake, I would inform them, but also forgive them and wish them well. At the end of the day, everyone's human, and regardless of what they're going through, we're all here to do our best and that's what matter. Sending best wishes back to you

Guest_342 · ‎01-10-2019

Thanks for your message, asianaussie.

I’m very similar, in that it gives me great pride/happiness to make others’ lives happier or easier.

I’m so glad you seem to be feeling a little bit better about this and are seeing it as a learning opportunity.

All the best 🙂

Alana_H · ‎08-10-2019

Hi!

Well done on working through your problem, I think that the more we do these things the better we get at it and given you are starting so young its going to be great for your on going career (and life). Talking to friends (and actually taking their advice) is a great way to work through things, and your self-care practices are better than mine! I hope your business and studies are going well.

Alana