So lonely, friends please?

[Horndog]

So we’re Ari and we are a young adult with autism and depression and a dissociated identity (multiple senses of self). We have currently been in hospital for a few months to recover from an attempted suicide, and we want friends like us.

Anybody like us? We like drawing, basketball, badminton, playgrounds, horses and farm animals, cartoons, nature and biology, psychology and consciousness, writing music.

Parts of us are learning how ok it is to be autistic, rather than feel bad about who we are. Parts of us don’t feel safe in this world and around other humans yet, not even others our own age, only online. We stayed mute at school, so this whole friendship thing is new, and parts feel very sad we missed out on playing with friends.

Part of us feels very mentally ill, but other parts feel stable and well. Not to mention the broken foot. Anybody out there? (Sorry for the negativity, parts of us are very excited). 

[Earth Girl]

Hi Ari, welcome to the forums. 🙂

I think I might have had a minor dissociated identity when I was younger because I sort of had a "friend" in my head that had the same name as me and we would talk to each other all the time. I grew out of it, but I still feel as though I may still have some type of multiple senses of self in a way and people say I often act differently to how I would act some other times.

I also like badminton, tennis, animals, cartoons, nature, psychology and writing music.

You don't have to feel bad about being autistic, it's actually fairly common and everyone probably has it to a degree. I'm sorry you stayed mute in school. I was like that too because I was very shy and anxious and I also missed out on playing with friends because of it.

Can I ask what happened to your foot?

Hope you are doing well.

[Horndog]

We fell off a waterfall, accidentally deliberately, and broke the back, pelvis, arm and foot. It’s really difficult when you have depression being aware of how happy you could be, but feeling like that happy life is unachievable. Feeling like a weight that says no to any happy thought. I thought others with depression might feel the same.

It creates this feeling of separation from others, and loneliness. You can’t feel happy being your autistic self. You have to settle for a sad reality, where there’s no access to emotions, memories, imagination or fantasy.

In good news though talking to my parts has been extremely helpful in understanding relationships, emotions & imagination through childhood trauma. We almost feel like we could become neurotypical, now, if it wasn’t for the sadness and trauma. We could be SO happy if it wasn’t for the sadness. It’s like we finally understand the whole universe!