Post natal depression

[TRS91]

I have a 7 month old son. I hate him. I wish I never had him. I tried for 18 months to conceive him and I had the most amazing pregnancy. 
then he came. And it’s been a nightmare ever since. I feel so guilty for the way I feel about him. I don’t know why I got this horrible baby. 
I wish everything was different.

[Sophie_M]

Dear TRS91,
 
Welcome back to the forums after such a long hiatus, thank you for trusting the community and having the strength and courage to seek assistance with your current struggles. We are sorry to hear that things have not been positive recently and hope that you know that how you feel is not your fault. Postnatal depression can be debilitating and is often amplified by feeling of guilt due to the symptoms that present.
 
Thank you again for your honesty on how you are currently feeling, we would encourage you to reach out for professional support as soon as able. There are some fantastic services that can assist those who are experiencing postnatal depression and other birth and parenting related mental health issues. This includes your current GP as they can often provide advice, referral to local support services and possibly begin treatment options to reduce the impacts of your symptoms.
 
We would like to recommend PANDA, they are experts in aiding parents suffering related mental health concerns. They offer amazing support and resources for those affected by postnatal depression. Please call on 1300 726 306 (Monday to Saturday) or click here for more information, “reaching out is the first step”-PANDA.
 
Please also consider Beyond Blue if you would like to talk about your ongoing struggles with these thoughts, we are always here for you. Please contact Beyond Blue either via phone 1300 22 4636 or through Beyond Blue Online Chat 24/7. We are here for you, please don’t feel you have to do this alone.
 
Please remember that if you do not feel safe with your negative feelings, call emergency services on 000.
 
We hope that you find the support and direction that you are seeking on the forums. Once again, we are so glad you have returned to the forums, and we hope that you feel welcomed into the community. 
 
Warm regards
Sophie M
 

[yggdrasil]

Hi TRS91,

Thank you so much for posting on here. I really admire how honest you've been about your feelings. As Sophie_M has said talking to a counsellor of some variety sounds like a good first step - I have called the Beyond Blue chat number Sophie_M mentioned many times and always found it helpful, particularly at helping me through the darkest, most overwhelming moments.

Another good option might be an in-person peer support group. These exist in many different forms and I suspect there will be many post-natal depression groups out there. I attended a depression peer-support group for years and found it valuable. Something about being around people who immediately understand what you're going through and what you're trying to express really helped me feel more normal when, in my depressed state, I had come to feel very alien.  

Also, I don't think there's anything wrong with having dark thoughts or very strong negative feelings, even about family or children - obviously the thing that matters is actions. Have you ever pursued any creative outlets to express the way you're thinking/feeling? I think art can be very helpful for processing dark thoughts or emotions, as it allows you to sort of disguise them, and put them in a form you can be comfortable sharing with other people.

Thank you again for posting on this forum and for your brave honesty. I hope the coming week is a bit easier for you and your son. All the best,

yggdrasil

[geoff]

Hello TRS91, there is no harm in telling us how you are feeling and completely understand as my ex also suffered from PND, which then developed on me, but in a different way, where I still loved my two sons although I had depression.

All types of MI are a tragedy but this one is especially very difficult to cope with, because this illness makes you feel and then become another person, one that you are never sure why it has suddenly changed you and this you won't find an answer by yourself, only because you keep going around in circles, unable to understand any logic.

If I could please give you some consolation, is that I do know after some help, which I'm more than happy to give you, is that in a few years, your love for your son will return, and hope you can get back to us.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[therising]

Hi TRS91

I'm sure I don't have to tell you how incredibly brutal post natal depression can be. From my own experience, I found it to be like some form of torture, a form of torture that can lead us to redefine our self in such cruel ways.

The amount of info out there that goes on about hormones and all that stuff is plentiful. Can lead you to feel weak just for being a woman. What people rarely speak of are all the little things that add up. The sleep deprivation is the main reason I didn't have more than 2 kids. It messed with me horribly. Not being able to breastfeed successfully was another factor. I tried 'til my nipples bled, bought those latex nipple guards and used the pump (to stimulate milk production) so much that I was barely getting any sleep. The way 'helpful' people tell you all the things you're doing 'wrong' definitely doesn't help. And here's this little creature (the baby you're meant to be loving) and all you can do is think 'You've created this hell on earth for me. I hate you'.

I wrote a letter during my 2nd lot of PND, partly to myself and partly to my son. My son's now 17, btw. When I pull that letter out on occasion and read it, I cry. My heart breaks for that younger version of myself. If it was possible, I'd wish my current self to go back in time and be there for her, putting an arm around her while telling her she is amazing to be coping as well as she is. I'd tell her 'Stop trying to breast feed and put the baby on the bottle. You don't have to feed him to love him. There are other ways of developing a connection with him'. I would tell her all the things she needs to hear while telling many of the people around her to shut the hell up.

I cannot speak highly enough about PND group therapy. To be able to freely vent and relate to other women about the sh***y nature of motherhood and how much you don't like your own child is liberating. It's a relief. It was actually within this group therapy that I managed to come out of 15 or so years in depression. It offered so much more than I imagined. Of course, hard to open up to a group of strangers initially but when you do open up there's a chance to let so much out.

❤️

[Fiatlux]

Hi TRS91,

How are you today? I am so sorry that motherhood has been so hard for you. Remember that Post Natal Depression is not forever. You and especially your baby are beautiful. You just can't see it or feel it right now.

I sincerely hope that you do get help for this and you will be depression free.

I was in a terrible marriage when my 1st baby son came along and he was the absolute light and joy that I needed.

I sincerely hope that your baby son will also be the light and joy of your life.