parents genuinely think i'm sociopathic

[dead_cactus]

it's 2am now and i overheard parents ranting on how i am an exact replica of my grandma who has evident sociopathic tendencies. my dad's family has a long line of ancestors who were academically inclined sociopaths. my mum thinks i too am one. she thinks i will become engrossed for life with some unrealistic ideals or some nasty habits or an absurd scientific hypothesis. I will drag those who get close to me down and end up alone in an age care facility. it wasn't the "heat of the moment" talk, it was a polite discussion about wanting to marry me off at an appropriate age so they'd never have to live with me again, sad over having birthed me that i've inherited the nasty evil genetics. how my sister is a much better option to live and enjoy life with. i dont know if i should trust myself and not them because what if all the things i believe i have done right i've done wrong, that i've hurt them so much they finally gave up. i'm 16 with no friends, no lovers. just a family and i dont care about anyone else but them. now no one on the surface of earth cares about me truly. i've known i am underdeveloped in emotional maturity but i thought i learned to make myself a relatively ideal kid since i became aware of my flaws, i look neat, i exercise, i have many solid achievements, i help others, i am obedient, i like animals, i never broke a rule. but it seems like my mum has been dreading me because of the psychological damage done by my grandma, now even my weird but ordinary and unharmful behaviors (hiding insignificant things, collecting random stuff etc.) are considered signs of sociopathy.

what should i do? I can't see therapists because of financial reasons. i dont hate them i just don't know anymore. we are perfectly fine during the day, are they really scared of flipping a sociopath switch in me they have to pretend to be nice? i just want to enjoy life with all of them, finish highschool with a perfect score and pursue my dream career. I'd never intentionally hurt anyone like my grandma did but what's the use of explaining myself to them at this point?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome,

There's a lot you can do by yourself without professionals in this case.

Firstly I suspect your parents have great fear for you which means a lot of love and worry. Family traits and mental illnesses can have adverse effects on members (eg narcissism) so they fear you might have some traits handed down. They could be right on this- so? Well if you do 1/ it isnt your fault nor theirs. 2/ You can take some reflective action in that you can study up on the illness and at 16yo it is a prime age to make the changes necessary to avoid ending up like grandma. 3/ you dont need to react to their fears nor discuss it with them 4/ you can mention things in the future that will put them at ease in knowing you arent like grandma 5/ relax, there was obviously some traits your grandma had that were admirable it just that people remember the bad side.

Also- you have plan of higher education- great. It will only be few few short years till then and I'd plan to get a job or two and become financially independent and move out- why move out? Because you'll develop better, you wont be your parents prime focus, you can be your own success story. In fact, you could get a job now and begin that plan?

At 16yo my daughter (now 33) and us moved towns. I told her to get a job. There was only 3 places in town that hired. She said her new friends told her "dont bother, they dont hire". She dropped off her resume and got 2 jobs and after one week chose the better one. She was there 5 years while at uni. Never give up. Well done in writing in.

TonyWK

[Summer Rose]

Hi dead cactus

I can certainly understand why you are upset and I’m sorry that you were hurt by your parents’ conversation. I’m certain that they never meant to hurt you.

I think your parents do care about you and they are worried about you. However, I feel that it’s entirely possible that their concern may be misplaced or that they are jumping to conclusions based on their fears and/or anxieties given your family history.
Unless they are mental health professionals, they are not qualified to diagnose you or anyone else with anything. And even if, worst case scenario, they are correct and you do have sociopathic tendencies, that still doesn’t mean you will turn out like your grandmother. 

For your own peace of mind and mental health, I think it would be helpful for you to discuss your situation and gain some perspective with a mental health professional.

Here’s some thoughts on how to go about this …

Ask your parents if they will help you cover the costs of a few sessions. You don’t have to reveal everything about why you want to talk with someone if you don’t want to. Perhaps it would be enough to say that you are trying to improve your mental health and you think this move could really help you. 

If you don’t think this will work, see if there’s a headspace clinic close to you. There are about 150 across the nation, they provide a range of services geared especially for young people and everything is confidential.

Talk to your school counsellor. 

Or go see your GP or call the Kids’ Helpline or beyondblue support line and see how they might be able to assist you or provide information on local services that may be available to you.

Please try to remember that just because your parents have expressed something doesn’t mean it’s true. It also doesn’t mean that they don’t love you. It simply means that they have a certain fear given your family history.

Please feel free to post any time. This community will do its best to support you. You are not alone.

Kind thoughts to you

[therising]

Hi dead_cactus

To be conscious of our nature is such an important thing. That means knowing who you naturally are and how you naturally tick. It pays to wonder and not jump to conclusions. For example, an emotionally detached person who tells it how it is in what appears to be a thoughtless way may have learned that trait from a parent or it may be a trait of autism or it may be a self defense mechanism developed at some point based on years of abuse or bullying. I'll pull 1 of those 3 out of the mix just for the sake of example.

If you take the person with high functioning autism and look more closely, what you may see is their love of collecting specific things (partly due to intensely channeled interest and partly due to them defining themself through what they collect). Due to a highly analytical nature, they may be a brilliant analyst/academic in certain fields (without feelings getting in the way of what they analyse). To feel entitled to have what many others are entitled to (and fair enough), they may be confident without self doubt getting in the way of their goal. They may be purely logical in this sense. Things can take a dark turn if people who naturally tick in such ways are misunderstood. While experiencing the traits and challenges that come with high functioning autism, they may be mislabeled as being 'emotionally detached, thoughtless towards others, obsessive compulsive, self entitled/self serving etc'. Being told often enough they're 'a bad person' or 'there's something seriously wrong with you', the attitude can become 'If you think there's so much wrong with me, why the heck do I bother to make such an effort? I can't win. I don't care about trying anymore. You think I'm bad? I'll show you bad'. Through soul destroying comments, in regard to how 'broken' they are, they may develop a 'I will not care for anyone other than myself. What's the point otherwise? My self is the only one I can trust to make me happy'. You could say this is the kind of recipe for making what appears to be a sociopath. Keep in mind, the person with autism was never a sociopath to begin with.

Just one example of how important it is to not jump to conclusions when it comes to how we label people. A misdiagnosis through misunderstanding can feel so soul destroying for the person who is misdiagnosed.

[tmas]

Just a thought, but I've found people with tough relationships with their parent can have a tough time relating to their child they see similar traits in (ie I have a friend whose father is quite mentally absent with him but very compassionate to his daughters from another marriage, I then found out that this man had had a very poor relationship with his clearly abusive father - not to over analyse but it makes sense sometimes that this would be there subconsciously). It's happened to me, I was raised by my mother and now I find that I struggle to be honest and have a tighter fuse with female authority figures, even therapists. I've only ever had any success with male therapists, which seems weird for a young woman, but I never had a "father" who I could project onto other people when in a vulnerable state. Maybe something like that could be happening here in your mother's eyes, though I don't want to make any assumptions or generalisations sound like fact.

Regardless, people are right. Whatever the situation, it doesn't seem like anyone is to blame. I've been told I have negative traits of a relative (relating to my mental health) when I was about 16/17 by my mother and it really shook me, though I never voiced it. I can understand though why she would have that fear - she lived through that experience, I did not, I may be a reminder of that experience in a way I can't control and neither can she.

Clearly you care about what they think about you, you are frightened that you may be hurting people. That doesn't sound anti-social at all - it's very social. We're barely fully formed humans at 16, I've known many a 16 year old to be oblivious to the effects of their actions, and either grow to change their actions, or not see the problem. Frankly, neither of these scenarios amount to sociopathy. 

Learn from your actions, but focusing on your work while in school isn't sociopathic - frankly, it's smart. You're worth isn't just what you present, maybe she's frightened that you've put yourself on such a tight leash of your own volition. Being clinical isn't evil, anyways. If it's on your mind maybe you could gently speak to her about it and let her know it upset you.