People tell me I'm doing things wrong, but won't explain to me exactly what and how

[Earth Girl]

People from school keep indirectly telling me to do better, but they never directly explained to me exactly what it is that I am doing wrong. I want to be a nice person, and I try to be, but it's really hard figuring out what the problem is when people are very vague about it.

They indirectly tell me...

That I'm vain, superficial and socially fake, but don't explain how/what it is that I'm doing that makes me so.

That I'm stubborn, but don't explain how.

That I'm unforgiving 

That I only want what's best for me

That I lack warmth and humility

That I'm materialistic

That I'm pretentious

That I believe in stereotypes 

That I'm manipulative (I've looked this word up many times, but still don't get it, but it's definitely something that I wouldn't want to be because apparently, it's sort of like controlling people in a really mean way?) I also don't know how exactly I am doing this though or what it means.

That I'm heartless - If you're going to call someone this especially, PLEASE explain what exactly they are doing that makes them this because nobody wants to be like this.

That I don't say please and thank you - I use to not do this a lot for a stage when I was a teenager when I was using another forum, but I realized I was being rude and it probably didn't make people feel good even though they were helping me so I started doing it again so I don't see how I am still doing this? There have been times other than when I used that site when it didn't occur to me to say thank you, but it wasn't because I didn't appreciate them. I struggle a lot socially so sometimes I will think "that was nice what that person did for me" and then think "Oh, I probably should have said thank you." I say it when it occurs to me though, because I want people to know that I appreciate what they've done for me.

That I don't let others have opinions - again, no examples given.

That I'm jealous of others instead of just being envious and using that to get better - I don't know how I'm still acting jealous?

That I'm unfriendly

Selfish

Hypocritical

Etc... 

If you're going to tell someone these things, but don't explain to them how they are doing these things/acting this way, it kind of defeats the purpose.

And when I politely ask them if they could please explain how I am only caring about material things or what stereotypes I believe in for example, they just get mad at me.

It's really hard to stop doing something wrong when you don't know exactly what it is that you are doing wrong. 

[Earth Girl]

Hi Psychdiaries2,

Thank you for your reply. I didn't know this sort of thing was fairly common among older generations. The best I can do is to continue to educate myself and make friends with people who share the same believes, who I get along with well, etc. 

It really annoys me when my parents do this and they often use the excuse "The rules keep changing I'm afraid", but there's a reason for that. My younger sister told them that she takes pride in educating herself further about this sort of thing which is great. I think it's mostly the fact that my parents not only think what they are saying is okay, but don't want to learn more about it. At least now I know that there's a lot of other people who also have this problem with some people in their family so I'm not alone and at least I can learn more about this sort of thing because I want to.

Thanks both of you for your support. Happy New Year! 😊

[Jessica_Cloud]

Hi again Earth Girl, sorry for taking so long to reply. I love that you are really trying to sort things out. 
‘Someone has called you a manipulator. Maybe what you did was not a great idea. Focus on your direct relationship with others. A third party can sort out their own life. Don’t try to make someone feel bad - that’s not helpful.

Also, you seem to be concerned about what others think of you. What other people think of us is none of our business. This is about where your locus of control is - whether you are controlled by your internal thoughts or other people’s thoughts (external locus of control). It is our business to control our own lives and let others control their lives. 
I know you seek to understand what others say to you, but they are not the judges. You are the judge of you. You might benefit from doing some work on developing a stronger sense of self identity - understanding who you are and feeling comfortable with that. Then what others think of you won’t be such a problem for you. 

’I hope that helps. 

[Earth Girl]

You're right, a third party can sort out their own life and figure out things themselves so there's no need for me to do things like that anyway. 

It's also true that I shouldn't worry about what others think about me, it's just that, when it comes to things that I am doing that are hurting people, I want to know exactly what it is that I am doing so I know how to get better, but they won't tell me exactly what they mean in such a way that is easy for me to understand. 

I might ask a psychologist about developing a stronger sense of self identity. I'll also try to focus more on my own life.

Thanks so much. 🙂 

[Earth Girl]

Note: Some people may find the horrible things I did very upsetting. People will be very disappointed. I didn't want to talk about this because my intentions were so bad. It may sound like I'm being hard on myself, but you'll see what I mean soon. 

A girl I was friends with was always really kind to me and I barely even did anything for her. I probably don't even realize how much she supported me. I thought she and her guy friend were both very nice people, but I felt like I wanted to be acquaintances with them more than close friends because I wasn't really myself around them/couldn't talk to them like I was being myself (not because they did anything wrong), but I thought that if I told them this, it would hurt their feelings. I deleted them on Facebook. They asked me why. I told the girl that I just didn't feel a connection and she got really upset with me (she was hurt) and at the time I didn't understand why she reacted the way she did. The guy asked me in a separate message while saying things like "Um okay" which I thought at the time was talking down to me (this happened on Facebook) why I didn't feel a connection with her. Since I was mad at them for how I thought, they were talking to me, I said that the girl kind of bullied another girl in college (it wasn't anything major what she did. I was so much meaner myself) which is bad enough, but my intentions behind it made it truly f'ed up. *This is the part where I was being super horrible so just be prepared because it will be hard to read* I don't even want to say this but in the moment, I wanted for him and other people who knew her to be really disappointed in her (including people at her work) meaning that she would have lost her job and those are just the things that I remember. Even if he was meaning to be condescending, how does that make it okay for me to do that? Obviously since what she did was so minor, it wouldn't have caused these things to happen, but let's say if it somehow did, after she was always kind to me and never wronged me? 

I apologized to them, but they are still understandably really hurt. I know there's no way I could make this right because it was horrible, but is there anything I can do that would make her feel better at all? I want to apologize again because my first apology wasn't good enough. Could I ask her if I could help her with something? I don't know if it would be right to do that though? I can't believe how bad I was. I don't know how I could have done that. 

[Mudcakes]

One thing I’ll start with Is I don't believe your heading.

You have empathy, it shows through out this post. We all at some stage do something we regret and messages make it hard to understand tone etc and many times past experiences can automatically translate tone in the wrong way, I know this unfortunately from personal experience that I regret not having important conversations not over messages. It may take time for them to forgive but if I was them it wouldn't take that long, given not many people I’ve noticed actually recognise when they have done something wrong and actually mean their apology. Honestly, I wish I had a friend like you who actually looks at their behaviour and then does whats right to fix it. 

[Earth Girl]

Hi Mudcakes, thank you so much. ❤️ I know now that the part about me misunderstanding the way they were talking to me wasn't so bad even though I reacted badly to it. I still feel bad about my intentions behind what I said though (trying to make someone look bad and feel bad and especially the very ill intentions I had). 

Something I'm confused about is that people say I'm bad for not appreciating her enough and not wanting to continue being friends with her. I agree that I should have appreciated her a lot more, but I can't tell if I was wrong for not wanting to continue the friendship. I actually would have liked to be acquaintances with her (even now, though it's extremely unlikely they would want me in their life now), but I didn't think we were really compatible as friends. 

I'm glad that I am getting better at taking accountability because I use to be really bad at it until I learned why it's so important and I notice myself that when someone doesn't take accountability for things they have done to me, it often actually hurts more than what they did. 

I really appreciate your reply; it was very sweet and made me feel a lot better. 

[Psychdiaries2]

Hey there,

Thanks for reaching out!

I can see you are being hard on yourself but you have also taken accountability which you should be proud of yourself for. Not many people take responsibility for their actions and you did. I think that shows you have empathy. You understand that this hurt them and you want to make things right. You owned up to your mistake which is an honourable thing to do.  I hope you are proud of yourself.

I understand why they would be feeling confused as to why you deleted them online or about the rumour, but I think if you let them know that there is no hard feelings involved, maybe they will see you as a peer/classmate who they can respect. If you apologise sincerely then I wouldn’t be surprised if they feel like they have a bit of closure and then you guys can move forward. Maybe ask her if you guys can at least resolve things so that things won’t end on a sour note. Give her some space, and if she does want to be acquaintances too, then you can. If not, have some peace knowing that you apologised on your end, and that’s all you can do really do. It’s up to the other person if they are going to accept it. Just be kind and take accountability, that’s all you can do.

You seem like a really nice person who wants to make things right. I’m sure that’ll go a long way! Take care 🥰

[Earth Girl]

Hi Psychdiaries2, thank you for your reply and advice! Sorry for not getting back to you for a while.

Yeah, it would be understandable to feel confused about those things. Most of the time, I know I was the one who was definitely in the wrong, but sometimes I have mixed feelings even though they didn't do anything wrong and it's understandable why they responded the way they did. I think I have narcissistic problems because I have trouble not shifting blaming even when I was the one who messed up badly. 

I apologized to them (a few years ago) and they didn't respond, but based on what they said online about it, it sounded like they believed I meant it, but they are still very hurt about it, and it didn't really change things much. I'm not sure if it would be weird to apologize again or if it would be weird or even rude to ask if there is anything I can do to help her out - apparently she's going through something really awful at the moment and I don't know if it's because of me or something that she was going through for a long time, even back when we were friends that I should have asked her about and tried to help her with.

She has been planning revenge on me for what I did since it happened several years ago, and they are saying it's going to be a million times worse than what I did to them. Sometimes I feel like I deserve some of the revenge, but not to the extent that they are planning. I'm not sure how to feel about it. The revenge is going to be something that will affect me for the rest of my life - not just a one-off thing. 

[Earth Girl]

I definitely have scoliosis and people from school often talk about it. I can't even walk or stand properly. My posture is messed up. I do at least an hour of walking most days, so I do exercise (though I don't do many other exercises other than a bit of tennis and sometimes swimming. I try to do a bit of running, but I feel self-conscious when I do so).  

I told my Dad and he said that it probably doesn't matter unless it hurts and I said that my back occasionally hurts a bit and it can get worse if it doesn't get fixed and he said, "But where can we go about it?" I said we could go to a (can't remember what they are called right now). He replied, "Would that help though?" I said it's better than not doing anything and he just said "Hmm" and walked off. (He does this a lot).

I told my Mum about it and she said, "But if we went to one of those places, wouldn't they just tell you to stand better?" I said that I didn't know because we never tried going to one of those places and then she walked off. (They're both very dismissive). 

I went to a massage place because I had problems with my back and the lady said to my Mum that it's a pity that I never went to a *scoliosis place* when I was younger.

Even my older sister said to my parents that she was quite annoyed with them for never taking me to one of those places. She even told me that if our parents didn't pay for me to see them, that she'd be happy to pay for it. I may not get along with her often, but she's very generous! So is my younger sister.

I recently found out that I probably have a thyroid problem because I have so many health problems that can be related to it (walking funny, voice problems, skin problems, digestive problems, cracks on heels of feet, etc.) Google even says that psychosis can be related (I have paranoid schizophrenia and I never want to have an episode again because they are the worst thing that's ever happened to me).

I don't know how to get help for this either though because my parents don't take it seriously. My doctor thinks I don't because of my blood test result, but blood tests aren't always accurate for thyroid problems. My hormones also sound really out of wack based on what it said, but my doctors said they were fine. I'm not a doctor, but it was something like 98 - T and 1.10 - E?? Even if I was ovulating, that doesn't sound right to me?

[Psychdiaries2]

Hey there,

Welcome back to the forums, I’m glad you are here!

I have mild scoliosis. I was getting an x-ray on my lower back a few years ago for a different issue and found out I have it. It’s funny, because I never suspected it or had any pain. I would definitely recommend going to your doctor and talking about it so you can get an x-ray. I know you said about your parents not really being interested in this issue but do you think maybe they could take you if you spoke to them again? Or perhaps your older sister could? 

I have found stretches/exercises that have helped me so maybe ask a professional about that too because you can improve a bit. About your suspected thyroid problem, maybe you could get in contact with an endocrinologist? I guess when you turn 18 you’ll have more independence to get to the bottom of these things yourself. 

I hope your parents will consider taking you to get support. Perhaps you could explain to them how it is impacting your life? Maybe then they will be more understanding. 

Hope things get a bit better, you are more than welcome to keep reaching out. We’re here for you!