Not sure what's wrong, losing all hope, thoughts getting dark. . .

[iAlex]

So im new to this and dont often share like this but im at a loss right now. I'm 30 year old guy if that helps. I started feeling this way maybe a week ago and it hasnt subsided so i dont know if its depression or what. Out of nowhere i suddenly was on the verge of tears at work, things i never though of before started flooding my mind. Things like, how im disappointed in how much life turned out, job, social life, love life etc. I tried to stay positive and tell myself it will be fine, but that didnt work. My job is a dead end and i have to partner so im at home alone most of the time. Socially i dont really have many friends, maybe 3 or 4 but they have their own lives and actual careers so i never get to see them. My only form of happiness seems to be in the form of video games and tv shows/anime but even now i barely play any games.

Im a bit overweight and thought exercising would help, so i started walking while listening to audio books and that seems to help until im done and back at home. Then everything starts to sink in again. Ive tried eating better and thats a dead end it seems, my appetite has gone out the window and for the past week ive had the equivalent of 2 ready made meals a day, like the jenny craig ones just store bought.

Basically im feeling lost, alone, and empty. Like ive got nothing and wont ever have anything. The one girlfriend i had when i was 20 hurt me in a way that before i knew it 10 years had gone by of me being single.

Thats basically it, its not very well structured so i apologies for that but my mind is racing and all over the place right now so i tried to make it as readable as i can.

Just looking for advice, i cant turn to family since my mother i havent spoke to for years, my father is going on holidays in less than a week and i dont want him to miss them or have a bad time, he needs them.

[Ebi]

Hi iAlex,

Good to hear from you. Well done for making those changes in diet and exercise. However, it sounds like those changes might not be enough to change what's happening in your mind at the moment.

You wrote about feeling embarrassed to tell the doctor, scared of taking medication, and possibly feeling worse talking to a psychiatrist....

I know it's hard to reach out for help... It really is. It's confronting to try to articulate how we are feeling and why...I recently had to do it with my GP. It's so hard but.... It's also incredibly relieving. That is the GP's job. They have had many people sit across from them, crying, sobbing, trying to explain how they are feeling... And I reckon most, if not all, GP's try to respond to you with kindness, compassion and care. So... go to your GP mate. Try not to make assumptions about what will happen next, just focus on sharing what's going on with the GP.

Thinking of you, Ebi

[iAlex]

So a bit of an update, still alive. I was doing a bit better for a couple months there, was focusing on playing video games, watching tv shows and continuing to binge like crazy on audio books. But it wasnt meant to last i guess. I didnt realise it then but i do now, it seems like my depression comes from my lack of friends, no GF and lack of career, if that makes sense. I sort of homed in on these when i went out with a friend and a couple other people for his bachelor party. We didnt do much, just guy stuff but towards the end of the day when we were going out for dinner i starting to get the depressed feeling again.

We were eating and i was listening to everyone else, how their careers are and how their wives/GFs are and i tried to shake it off but i think everyone noticed. Then i tried to not listen to the conversation and look around and just take in the sights around us. Seeing all those couples and people who seem to have their lives together really drove it home then and there, almost had a melt down but kept it together.

Now im finding myself doing something strange, something ive never done before. Im listening to my audio books and for some reason wishing i could have a life like that. I mean like, im envious of the characters. I know its all fictional and what not but. . .i dunno how to explain it properly. This time around though this is much worse, before the books helped me calm down and get away. Now its as if im getting worse just by listening to these awesome characters and their adventures.

The psych sessions didnt help, went though 5 of them and stopped. I tried the medication for a bit but after 3 weeks i felt the same and actually more lazy.

Im actually typing this on my phone because i really sank today and had to get out of the house after finding myself researching some alarming things. Will try to keep pushing on and hopefully with will subside. Just wanted to give a bit of an update.

[Sophie_M]

Hi iAlex,

It’s great to have you reaching back here on the forums. We are sorry to hear that it feels like things have been getting worse for you. Please know that we are worried about you as you’ve mentioned that you’ve researching some troubling things today. We’d encourage you to get in touch with our Support Service to talk through any difficult moments - 1300 22 4636 or on email and Webchat (3pm-12am AEST) through our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  
 
Keep checking in to let us know how you are going, whenever you feel up to it.
 

[iAlex]

I'll do my best to keep posting but it's getting damn difficult to even work up the strength to get up. At work right now and I'm struggling to keep my emotions in check. Everytime I think about my own life and then think about how awesome all my favourite characters lives are it makes me want to curl up somewhere. It's never been this bad before. . .I'm at a loss lol