Newly diagnosed. so ashamed.so embarrased

[Beetle]

Hi all

After 3 years of struggling i finaly went to my GP and confessed that i need serious help.I wrote on a piece of paper that i felt suicidal and cant get on like it is. I passed her the piece of paper since i was too ashamed to say it out load.I felt like a failure,like giving up and rolling on  my back in admitting that something is not right.

She diganosed me with severe depresssion,anxiety and stress after i scored very high on this DASS scale. I just cried and said if i can do this test again and just pretend im a 1 or 0. Anyway she put me on a heavy antidepressant  and i hope that stuff works. I had all side effects on the list and felt terrible after the first dose. I called her and said i cant do it. now i halved the dose and hope it will b ok.

she told me off having waitted so long to get help and that there is nothing to be ashamed off.she took 40 min with me and the waiting room was full. I think she does care and i felt well looked after.

Well in my mind it is a weakness. I feel i havent tried hard enough and failed.I got told i have to change my mindset.

She explaiemnd that since im severy stressed that all the chemicals in my brain are used up and thats why the depression developed. That made me feel better. that made me feel its not only in my head, but its a chemical deficiency like calcium deficiency or aneamia.

Now i have to come to terms with my diagnosises. Thats hard. I cant confess to my friends and won't confess at work. First i have to confess up to myself that I am one of those people with depression and anxiety being on happy drugs. ......

Tina

[Jo3]

Hi Tina,

Firstly well done for  seeing your GP after struggling for three years.  To be suffering for that long alone is very tough.  It is a very courageous thing in talking with your doctor and asking for help.  Your doctor sounds very caring and concerned for you.

I have been suffering depression, anxiety and childhood sexual abuse for three years now and it is a struggle at times.  I am seeing a psych weekly for therapy. 

Be guided by your doctor and if it means taking anti depressants for a while that's okay.  

 I wish you all the best, keep in touch

Jo

[ApproachingNormal]

Hi Tina,

My name is Arron, this is my first post on this board and have only just joined up to the beyondblue forums. But your post caught my eye cause it is exactly what I am facing at the moment. I also cant confess to people, not even to those closest to me. I have been battling depression for quite some time and have been prescribed an anti-depressant to help. I find every few months I still get bad relapses.

The last two weeks have been the hardest I have ever faced in my life. I to went to my GP and broke down also.. I never cry, even when I am exposed to situations that have warrant it but I don't, over the last week though I have had many moments where I have just broke down. I work in the medical field and although I know there are others in my situation it still feels like I am alone and have kept quite for fear of ridicule and perhaps more so pretend nothing is wrong.

After it became obvious to others at my work that there was something wrong with me I had to come clean with my boss about the demons I have been dealing with. I couldn't do it face to face though and ended up sending an email. I am currently on stress leave for a couple of weeks. I guess I don't have the skills to effectively deal with the bad times. I am going to see a councillor next week. I don't even know how I am going to deal with that or what I am going to say.

I too have suicidal thoughts, I think of ways in which to do it, but I know I could never act on them. I have been witness to a suicide and have seen the resulting impact it has on the family.

I hope this has helped you in feeling that your not alone.

Take Care
Arron.

[geoff]

dear Teena, first of all no one is weak because they have depression, but I understand that you feel this way, it's because our normal mind has collapsed into disarray, and our thinking has gone off track.

Chemical deficiency is how the doctors and psych's call it, well this is the case, but to a layman that's double dutch, we know it as being stuck into a corner where no one else goes, as our mind has stopped working and there is a barrier between us and the rest of the world, not explained the way I wanted to say, but it's close.

You have completed the depression test and failed badly indicating that you have depression, plus you cried to her and admitted that you have felt suicidal, all of this is very difficult to understand and then try to cope with it, because it's something that has blown up from nowhere.

Your friends probably wouldn't agree with you if you told them, because you have put on a brave front, and would say to you that your joking, you can't be, you seem to be in high spirits.

If it has been affecting your work then management would know that something isn't right, so you may not have to confess.

So now it's down to getting yourself better, and this can take some time. L Geoff. x

[Beetle]

Hi Jo3

Thanks for your lovely post. Im too a victim from childhood abuse, domestic violence and public violence. I have been to councillours over the three years since i thought i can will my dark thoughts away. However over the three years i felt more and more suicidal especialy when tired and stressed. Absolute desperation made me go and confess to the doc. Now i thing she was the best thing that has happened to for a long time. Even though i was resisting the drugs i have taken them now for three days and already feel 100 times better. I wonder if its really the chemicals in my brain and not all the trauma that made me so sick.

Now im on an SNRI and feel like a mountainrange has lifted, i feel happier and relaxter. I should have asked for those meds years ago!Are you taking medication Jo3?

I hope you are coping ok and you are also having a caring and supportive doc/councillour.

take care and keep in touch too

Beetle

[Beetle]

HI Arron

Thanks for your lovely post Arron. I also can see myself in your post. I believe i have actually had some depressive symptoms for ages but also covered them up with alcohol ands denial. I had heaps of trouble at work and quit two jobs because of it. I just couldt deal with people and felt i was an alien.

Now after i have started the meds the mindfog seems to lift and everything makes sense out of a sudden. i can see now that my crankyness, my snappiness, my tiredness and headaches are all connected to depression. I could't see it because my brain was so deprived of neurotransmitters. I still cant believe this stuff im on kicked in so quickly. i hope it stays this way!!

How do you go about with your meds? Did they lift the fog and acted so quickly as well? mine is a really exy one-a SNRI. Apparently its the strongest stuff around.

Sorry to hear you also have suicidal thoughts. Its the scarriest thing i ever went through. Im gald i didnt act on it-please dont act on it either its not worth it. But if the internal pain gets to a certain point it becomes unbearable and suicide seems to be the only option. thankfully we humans have a in-build emergency break which hopefully stops us of killing ourselves. I was very close to lose this break and glad that i found my doc.

Same as you i also work in the medical field. I have only confessed to two very close friends whats really wrong with me. The others get the story that i am on strong painkilers. I cant tell them the real thing and i think they wouldt like to deal with it either. At work i wouldt tell anyone either since many people treat u weird and see u as a 'mental case'. So i try to protect myself by only telling the partly truth. Im studying at the mo and looking for jobs. That makes things hard as well.but no i have hope.ill get there 🙂

So Arrron keep us updated how you go and you know you not alone. This forum seems to be very very good. I have just joined and really find it helpful.

Stay strong and keep in touch

Beetle

[Beetle]

HI Geoff

Thanks for your supportive post. Yes you are right i tried so hard to pretend to myself and othters that 'I am fine' that i consumed all my energy. I was telling myself that depression is somehting you can will away and disregarded the chemical imbalance theory as complete bogus. I have always been very determined since i always had to fight on my own. So to admit to myself that something is not under my control and really wrong was terrifiing. I tried years to keep up the smile. I am known by the patients, friends and work mats as a bubbly happy person and the kids say i always smile. They dont see me sitting at home holding a blade to my arm or crying all night drinking alcohol to drone out those dark thoughts. Now after i started the meds i can see that my brain was in complete disaray and that i was lying to myself for too long.I can see now that my brain must have been completly starved off those chemicals. My doc told me off for having come so late, in a nice way. She was very stern and gave me the drugs straight away.I was surprised about my high score on the test. I was so used of the bad feeligns i had that feeling they sort of belonged to me. Severe depression or major clinical depression still sounds strange to me. But the doc seems to be smart and cant be fooled.So i trust her and glad having found her.

I only told two close friends the truth and all the others get the story that i take strong painkillers. I think thats safer for everyone . i cant see whats the benefit of telling everyone my story.

 I hope you got a supportive doc as well and you dont have relapses.

Keep us up to date how u r going, take care

Beetle

[vip]

Hi Tina nothing to be ashamed about now you know what is actually wrong with you and thats a relief. Dont worry so much about discussing this depression with friends work colleagues do it when you feel ready. I know when i told people they said to me they already knew so sometimes people around you notice it first, You are doing all the right steps to recovery so take it easy and be easy on yourself also. Goodluck