Monkey on my back

Wolvesinwolvesclothing · ‎19-03-2017

New to these forums and first time posting. Found this page tonight when having a 'I'm completely swallowed again' breakdown by myself while my partner sleeps soundly.

But that's exactly it. It's like it's always waiting there, it slowly swallows me. It may be a year or two in between breakdowns but it is always there. Like a monkey on my back. With everyone of my smiles, there is pain?

On the good days, i feel happy and greatful with my life. Genuinely happy, but rest assured just like walking past a window and getting a quick glimpse of something, it's there, always. Waiting to swallow me again when it's too much.

Its like I'm disconnected, unfulfilled, constantly, even though I know I shouldn't be. Its like something is always missing.

It's like those days when Im feeling good Im wearing a different skin and when I get in private I peel back the mask and just sink back into my disconnected, sad self?

I tutned 30 last month and this has been my life for as long as I can remember. Is this depression? Is that my monkey? I'm exhausted. Will it ever go. Will I ever be normal

white knight · ‎19-03-2017

Hi WISC, welcome

Tough it is.

The way to go about this is - diagnosis via your GP, meds to assist and recommended therapy treatment, accepting your disorder, lifestyle changes and other self help.

So to kick things off with self help google these

Topic: depression, a ship on the high seas- beyondblue

Topic: accepting yourself, the frog and the scorpion- beyondblue

Topic: be radical- beyondblue

There are many more threads here.

As for suffering alone

Topic: they just wont understand why- beyondblue

Tony WK

Jessicatherese94 · ‎26-03-2017

Hi WIWC. I'm really sorry to hear you're going through a difficult time. I can't really say if what you're currently feeling is depression or not, however it does align with a lot of my experiences when I was suffering from depression. Feeling depressed does feel like there's constantly a cloud over your head, or a monkey on your back as you have thoughtfully put it. You often feel disassociated and unfulfilled. 40% of Australians will suffer from depression in their lifetime, so you are not alone in this. You are not abnormal and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. If I were you, I'd try to pinpoint exactly what is going on in your life that is making you feel this way and then slowly work through it, perhaps with a therapist/psychologist if you are able to. You could alternatively visit your local GP and have a chat with them. You are really not alone and I can't stress this enough. This feeling can go away. You deserve to be happy.