Lost and alone

[Azhurestar]

Hello everybody

This might be a long post but this might be the only place where I can talk about my thoughts.

I feel so lost and so lonely. I feel lost in my life, my work,my family. I am so unhappy and I feel guilty for feeling unhappy. I have three amazing children that I am so proud of, but for the last year/year and a half I have been feeling so sad and unhappy. I wonder why I am here, what have done to make my presence here worth it. I am 38 this year, and I hate that I feel as I have wasted my life away and sometimes I say to myself: what is wrong with you, you acting as if you are 80 not 38, get up, harden up and do something that will make you feel worthy? But that's not happening. I start something and not long after that it goes down because I cant see the point of it anymore. I don't know even how to write whats inside my head right now. I have changed so much over the last 5-6 years. I have become so different than my husband that now I dont know what we are to each other anymore. I have started to resent what he says, what he does, we cant seem to agree on anything and its making me angry . And on the end all of this is making me guilty for feelining any of it. Two years ago I ended up in hospital with subarachnoid haemorrhage due to a aneurysm and every day I wish I didn't wake up from it. Finding out that when I went into surgery my husband when home was like a trigger that has taking me to this dark place that I cant get out from. I mean what person that tells you he loves you and that you are the most important thing for him, goes home when you go into a life threatening surgery because it was gonna take hours. I am hurt. On top of that he didn't even see how much that upset me when we spoke about it.

I can't write anymore, I am at work and I have started to cry and it will not look good with the customers.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Enduring all of this and dealing with customers must be quite a challenge. Ok, lets take a deep breath and look at a few things.

It appears evident to me there is a few issues and quite different to each other. Medical and relationship issues that might be linked but for this exercise I'll separate them ok?

Your deep and prolonged sadness could be due to your marriage issues, what if they aren't? What if they are due to some psychological or psychiatric issue? like a mental illness issue? Briefly, I spent all my life up till 54yo (now 63) not realizing that I had (among other issues) - dysthymia, that caused my to be sad regularly. Crying for no real reason was common. So, we cant diagnose but as you can see a chance of diagnosis is crucial to your future, even if you are cleared of anything that will eliminate that concern. It certainly changed my life.

The second concern I have is your relationship. Men's make up is very different to women and we all have some difficulty coping with the opposite sex at times. Expression of care is often missing at crucial times when we need support and this accumulates over time- then the anger comes to the surface. I suggest you find a counselor through your GP or ringing Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277

Do you have a hobby, a sport, any other interest? Do you and your husband share any interests? Children?

Obviously counseling would benefit both of you but if he refuses, quite common, attend alone. You'll be amazed at how it benefits you. He might follow over time.

please google

Beyondblue topic Forgiveness and forgetting – the two F’s for love

I hope you feel better soon.
TonyWK

[White_Rose]

Dear Azhurestar

Welcome to the forum. This is a good place to talk about the things that trouble you.

I can see why you were upset over your husband not staying at the hospital while you were in surgery. It would have been nice to have him by your side when you woke up. I would have thought he would stay in case anything went wrong but he probably thought you were in good hands and all would be well. Everyone's thought processes are different so what one person sees as logical another sees as uncaring. It's probably as simple as that. However I can see very well why you were upset. An aneurysm is not pleasant to have or the resultant subarachnoid haemorrhage.

How do you feel about the surgery these days? Does it worry you in any way? I would suppose it was quite frightening because of the potential consequences. I suspect the surgery and your husband's actions have left you feeling quite depressed. It may be a good idea to see your doctor and ask to be referred to a counsellor or psychologist about this. There is a lot of grief here to be managed and an external person can be very helpful.

If you can get your husband to go with you I think it may help your relationship. But as Tony WK has said, he may not see a need for counselling and you cannot force him to go. Despite this, and even if you do go on your own, I think you will be in a place where you can see yourself and your marriage in a different light. These life-changing moments affect us all differently but they do have an effect. It would be worthwhile allowing someone to guide you through this bad experience until you can see more clearly how it has affected you.

What do you think. I would love to hear from you again.

Mary

[Azhurestar]

First I want to say thank you. Thank you for your kind words and great advise. I am sorry that it took this long to say it. Lots of things have happened since I wrote this and I am happy to say that I am in a much better place now. We had more problems after this but we have managed to work through most of the issues and we are now in a good place. Again, thank you, it really helped to fell heard.

[white knight]

Much appreciated you getting in touch and we are so happy you have found a better place

TonyWK