Losing love.

Kirsty7679 · ‎10-10-2021

Hi all! Not sure where else to turn and my fingers lead me here. I am new to this but having been sitting with this for quite a while now. I am married to a wonderful man and we will be celebrating our 20 year anniversary next month, however, ever since Covid has been around, we are drifting apart drastically. I am fully vaccinated and he is happy with my choice but he has gone down a rabbit hole of YouTube, science reports, anything and everything that he can basically get his hands on to read about. Now, all he talks about is statistics and policies from all over the world. I love him dearly but, conversation about normal day to day life is non-existent these days, and I am now at the stage where I physically have to leave the room when I know he is about to start talking about this stuff.

I have voiced my concerns to him and how I am not happy, I don't think he understands what this is doing in my head. He has changed completely and it is affected the way we function. I am struggling with sleep and eating, I have lost the pleasure of my everyday joys and don't want to be around him. I have my low days and don't want to be around him, going to work has helped matters but I am basically running on empty.....

Mk2692 · ‎10-10-2021

Hi Kirsty7679,

Thank you for reaching out and I'm sorry for what you are going through. It can be challenging when someone you love has different views, however it doesn't mean it is necessarily bad. I know you have talked to him about how you feel, but he might not know how this is affecting you and your mental health. The pandemic has caused a lot of difficulty and uncertainty for many people and that's why your husband has doubts about the vaccine. I think if you both have strong views about the current situation, then it might be better to not talk about it much as this might affect your relationship. It is ok to have different views and for both of you to respect that, but if it is affecting your marriage then it is best for both of you to speak about it with others. The best thing to do in a relationship is to be honest with each other and hopefully you can come to a conclusion that will be the best for both of you. Hope this helps.

therising · ‎10-10-2021

Hi Kirsty

I feel for you so much as your husband's research impacts you so deeply. While wonder can be amazing, exciting and inspirational, I've found it also has a kind of dark side to it. When someone takes their sense of wonder/research to a whole new level, they can end up blocking out the best of a relationship, in turn depriving their partner of the best.

Personally, I was apprehensive about getting vaccinated, based on a lot of research I'd done beforehand. It was my job that made up my mind for me. I work in aged care. By the way, if I was fully against it I would have resigned. I can respect people's opinions regarding vaccination (seeing both sides) but if someone was to tell me about all the research they'd done and how terrible all the vaccinations are, I'd be saying to them 'Please don't talk to me about the down side of what I now have in my body. All you're doing is putting fear into me and that's not fair or thoughtful'.

At the beginning of COVID, my husband was like an insane person. He virtually watched the news all day, reporting constantly to myself and the kids (16yo son and 18yo daughter). He'd be freaking out about how we're going to possibly die and how hopeless it all is. We didn't just get local Melbourne reports, we got the global report on depressing catastrophic hopelessness. He virtually spoke of nothing else. I should add, one of the ways I've managed my mental health for some years is through not having a lot to do with the media. Got to the point where I said to him something along the lines of 'This is getting seriously depressing and insane. The kids and I have spoken and are in agreement, you need to stay away from us if all you're going to do it bring us down. I'm serious. I'll help you manage your fear but I won't listen to you bringing us down'. After this, the only time I'd talk about COVID was a) if it was highly relevant and b) if he needed help dealing with reducing the stress he was experiencing. Eventually, things improved.

Kirsty, do think this is kind of like an addiction for your husband, kind of like he just can't help himself? For my own husband, it was like he was under some bizarre kind of 'love spell'. I know that sounds completely insane but hard to deny that when someone's 100% devoted to hearing or reading what they're obsessed about, it appears that they can't be loving anyone or anything else. It can be toxic.

I can easily imagine you're far more lovable than the topic of vaccinations 🙂

Petal22 · ‎11-10-2021

Hi Kirsty7679,

Wellcome to our forums!

Wow how beautiful nearly your 20th wedding anniversary…. I’m sure you’ve been through many ups and downs together in this time.

I understand your husband has apprehensive ideas towards the vaccine and that’s ok, many people do.

Im also sorry that your husband s behaviour is affecting your mental health. Maybe every thing he is reading is having an impact on him…

Maybe you could encourage him to have a chat to his gp about his concerns?

Im sorry you feel as though you are running on empty maybe you could have a chat with your gp and discuss how you are feeling?

geoff · ‎12-10-2021

Hello Kirsty, and a warm welcome to the site.

What I would be saying to him is that more and more people are getting the vaccine and if he is so concerned then all you want him to do is write it down and if you wanted to know then you'd watch the news, but presently you don't want to hear his explanations as more people are becoming vaccinated.

Geoff.

The_Bro · ‎14-10-2021

Hi there Kirsty7679 and welcome to our forum!

I can feel the emotions coming off the screen from your post and really want to help if I possibly can.

Firstly, congratulations on being married to a wonderful man for nearly 20yrs - that is worth celebrating!

I have a friend who I respect and do a lot of things with, but he is anti vax and of course its affecting our friendship as I am fully vaxxed. Like your husband, he will happily quote stats and spends a lot of time on line with conspiracy groups, reinforcing his view.

His wife recently confided in me that he is having problems with his job performance at work and with colleagues which is making him even more tightly wound and spiraling down in to his anti vax stance.

This leads me to wonder if there are any deeper personal issues that may be triggering your husband's belief and behaviour? Of course I can't offer qualified advice but think it might be an idea to have a really good chat with him.

Set a time aside, keep things totally non combative, even 'apologise' a little to him if your beliefs are annoying him. Make it clear this is really important to you. This may be hard to do but it sets the scene for him to open up without conflict. Tell him you love him, have had 20 wonderful years with him, respect his rights, and look forward to many more wonderful years.

But you do have rights and can ask him gently about how can you guys go to dinner together, fly to a holiday, book into a hotel etc if he is not vaccinated? What if he gets Covid, how would you both feel? And it there anything at all in his life that he wants to discuss with you as you are really hurting from what he is doing and ignoring the science.

Of course this will be quite tricky and you will need to prepare in advance to make sure the meeting goes smoothly. The most important thing is to keep calm and supportive.

At least you will have given it a good shot to reconcile your differences, I am not sure at all if you can go on ignoring it as it offends you own self beliefs and rights.

I wonder if a chat with your family doctor will help?

I hope some of this makes sense Kirsty7679, and all the very best to solve the situation.

Kind regards, The Bro