Long Term Depression

[pademelon_friend]

Hello,

I have been suffering from depression since I was about 14 and I am now 21. On nights like tonight I'm tempted to say I've hit some kind of rock bottom but the truth is I've been at rock bottom for four years. I've felt so numb for so long. I'm so tired of hanging on. I have told myself so many times that it is worth staying around because things will get better, because things must have to get better at some point. My numbness just hasn't changed. I've tried medications, I've been in therapy for years. I've forced myself to socialise and to engage in activities.

Tonight I am just feeling so disheartened. I've recently moved to a new city for no reason other than I needed something to do. I feel so disconnected from life. I want so badly to enjoy life and to want to be alive. The thing I find difficult is the fact that I feel I've tried everything, I feel like I've tried all the appropriate channels for getting help and managing my depression, and yet nothing has made a difference. I have some beautiful and supportive people in my life who care about me very much. I am talented and creative, I am privileged, I have people show interest in me. I am so grateful for all that I have but it's somehow not enough. I still feel so little joy. I am constantly in a state of sadness, numbness, or intense anxiety. I want so badly to make the most of everything I have been blessed with but I just have no motivation because nothing makes me feel good.

It would be nice to hear if anyone has suffered from deep depression for a long period of time and still found things to live for.

[Sophie_M]

Hi pademelon friend,

Welcome to our friendly online community. We're sorry to hear that you've been struggling for so long to find a combination of treatments and supports that works for you. We can understand that this would feel disheartening.

It sounds like you're someone who's tried a lot of different avenues while you are seeking to improve your wellbeing. Is there anything that has helped you in the past, even for brief periods?

If you're ever feeling overwhelmed and need to get in touch with someone in the moment, you are welcome to contact Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under.

Hopefully a few of our members will be by over the next few days to welcome you. In the meantime, you might be interested in taking a look through our forums to see if there are any threads that you relate to.

 

[Croix]

Dear pademelon friend~

I've not has the same problems as you exactly. Mine came from PTSD, bouts of depression and constant anxiety but suffered for long time with most of the things you mention, including a guilt I cold not take advantage of all the good things around me, wife, offspring, no mortgage and more. Seemed sort of a failure in it's own right.

I was suicidal and did make attempts to end my life, and if then I was told I could live a good, useful life enjoying love and accomplishment I'd simply have dismissed it as false encouragement.

How better? Well I'm not sure but I know there were several things important to my improvement. Therapy with a psychiatrist frequently, which tried various forms but ended up as talk therapy -probably the wrong name for it - plus the right medication. That last one was a long term problem, there are I guess maybe three major groups of A/D medications, and I've been on what must be all of them , with adverse or no effect.

I'm guessing, I'm no doctor, just someone being tried on new ones as they came on the market..

Eventually an unconventional medication was found that did suit and my life improved immeasurably. Add to that a very supportive and loving partner plus a responsible job with built in satisfactions of its own and all play a part - as does time and me knowing me.

Strangely pademelons have payed their part too which is what made me notice your thread. We used to rear orphaned ones where the mother had died . First in pillowslips and flannel and hot water bottles and a clock hanging of door knobs, then progressing to a large enclosed area. A pretty good success rate.

There's a poem -
The rabbit has a charming face
it's private life is a disgrace ...

Pademelons are the cutest animal imaginable -and the worst tempered with ferocious dominance fights - equally so when going to the vet for this or that.

Still each one reared was a source of happiness

Can you say why you chose that name?

Croix

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[Guest_1643]

Hey Padamelon

I found ur writing very honest and real - thank u so much for being here and sharing

it is so hard feeling like depression goes on and on - and it seems also u feel bad because you don't have a reason. You don't need one - you feel what you feel. Sometimes we have things we can't appreciate because we are down. I guess sometimes we talk about values as a way to understand what to live for - and then we try and live in accordance with values as a way to feel meaning.
I value relationships and that is what keeps me going, connection. I've struggled for a few long time, too.
How are u finding the new city you moved to? Good on u for trying to be in a new space.... ur giving it a go. I did tonnes of things for "something to do" when I was down... some of them worked out really well. I hope the same for you

[Mantec]

I feel you have more social connection than I do, and thus are more likely to have more of a fundamental "mental health" problem, as mine could more easily just be put down to "bad time" problem. Not that either is worse, or anything, just that they will both require different solutions.

Anyway, I just had to say that I have experienced similar things for more-or-less the same age(s) as you have. I am 21, and shortly after moving country (UK to AUS) at 13, I got really heavily depressed and just really fell into social isolation and nihilism. For me, I think I've managed to overcome the real "depressive" nature of my disorder, and everything essentially stems from discontinuities in my social life, and not feeling a meaningful connection to anyone since I was 12. I was always quite odd, and struggled to socialize as a child as I was bullied quite young (most of which is probably linked to a recent diagnosis of ADHD) so I think this is a little deeper than moving country, but anyway...

I am completely dependent still, at 21, and never had a job. I've never had a relationship, and really struggle to socialize now. It's also very difficult to trust people most days, and I have quite an ingrained belief that everyone is very cynical, which is very difficult to tame at the moment. The really difficult part is that I do try to get out of it, but for the foreseeable future, I have very tangible evidence to convince myself that I am a loser.

I feel, though, that although the real pains of my problems are blinding, in that it doesn't seem like there is every a hope in me getting out of this and living a fruitful life, there are brief moments (like just before COVID-19 restrictions), where you make a Kierkegaardian leap of faith, and you realize that there is a lot over the horizon. At the moment, I can't speak of this as I am very much in the thick of it rn, but it has happened and will happen again.

I've found that routine, committing to greater goals, practicing skills, exercising, reading/ learning, and getting outside, as well as eating well, all tend to lay a very solid foundation for mood. For me, it's difficult to see what it is that helps, because such basic things as a job, or a relationship, are so far out of reach that I can't even think about what complications will arise with them, but generally becoming more disciplined and mindful, making progress towards more long-term goals, paradoxically tend to have a beneficial effect on happiness.

[Chook10]

I’ve had clinical depression for many years and constant anxiety. Think it stems from over-protective parents. I left the nest at 21, married, divorced at 21. Back home again. Cared for both parents until their deaths. Only friend I’ve really had was my mum, yes my domineering mum. We were so close. I blame myself now for not having a life. Took to the drink and developed Cerebellar Ataxia a Neurological disease which affects balance and coordination. So my daily routine is just trying to stay upright and constantly concentrating on everything I do fearing I would fall or drop something. So exhausting. Now in a retirement village which I don’t like but then again don’t feel would be contented anywhere. Admit I have wasted my life but feel I’ve deserved it. Not growing up and working on my self esteem. Nothing has improved. Been to numerous psychiatrists, psychologists, clinics with no positive outcome although did stop drinking in 2000, had to as I would be dead now either by alcohol or a bad fall. Just look like a drunk now with my unsteady wide based gait. Ironic isn’t it. Apparently am 1 case in billions who was unlucky to end up this way with the grog intake. Medication for depression and anxiety may help somewhat (been on for 30 odd years). Searching for treatment but is there anything out there? Clinical depression may not have a cure. In the too hard basket. I feel for everyone out there suffering. So sorry for ranting but family still don’t understand and the few friends I had have deserted me. Couldn’t tell you when I last laughed, felt at ease and not constant worrying. Peace of mind is it out there? My Christmas wish every year.