It seems never ending

[Portia18]

Hello everyone, especially those who have replied to me before. I haven’t been on this forum since 2018 and so much has happened since then in my life, and of course, everyone else’s too. I’m a senior, with no family and the best support I get is from my doctor and a psychologist. There have been good stretches of time since 2018 but Covid brought on really bad depression and anxiety. I’ve managed to shake off the anxiety but still have depression. I think the isolation of covid has somehow brought forward so much pain and grief from my past that has been unresolved, not dealt with in any way. Things that caused me to feel hurt, insulted, unwanted, unloved, rejected, ignored, put-down, criticised - that I kept to myself, that I never shared my feelings about with anyone. I’ve talked so much with my doctor and psych but these thoughts have come up since I last saw either of them and now I don’t know how to deal with it, how to sort out this tangled mess I’m in. I’d be grateful for any feedback and thank you all in advance.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Portia

It's good that you're in here posting again. Sorry to hear you're struggling though. I think talk can't be underestimated, personally. With my struggles, having someone listen, I've learnt has been so vital to my wellbeing. It gets so heavy, holding all of that on our own. Would you be comfortable engaging with your gp/psych again? Or ringing one of the helplines? Just to unload a bit, and start working through it?

Kind thoughts, Katy

[Portia18]

Thanks Katy 🤗, I’ll think about that. I do see my doctor and psych again in December

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hey, that's great to hear 🙂

Covid has been so awful for people. If in the meantime if you want to chat at all, I'm a good listener. Are you managing any nice self care things at the moment? I like to get out in my garden.

Katy

[SarahZ]

Hello Portia18,

Thank you for taking the time to reach out. I'm really sorry to hear that Covid has taken a toll on your mental health. It's an exceptionally difficult time and I'm sure it must have be even harder to cope with when experiencing anxiety and depression. I'm saddened to read that you have been feeling these thoughts of unwantedness and rejection. It must be even harder to have kept such thoughts to yourself the entire time - the mental burden must have been unimaginable. However, I'm glad you have been so honest and raw with your post. It's really heartening to see that you are happy to confide in these forums, which i hope can provide you with some emotional relief. I am a bit unfamiliar with your story, but was wondering if you had a support system aside from your psychologist and GP? any family or close friends you find yourself gravitating towards?

Please feel free to give an update whenever you feel up to it.

Wishing you the very best ~

[Portia18]

Thanks SarahZ and Katy - if it sounded like all those bad things were happening to me in a short time, that’s not what I meant. I think I’ve always been vulnerable to depression, from being mild and not knowing that I had depression, to being full blown. Those bad feelings I had were picked up a bit here and a bit there over lots of years, making me feel sad or a bit down sometimes, so I just sort of took a deep breath and moved on. But other times things hit me a bit hard, very, very hard or crushed me completely, all contributing to full blown depression eventually. But over the years I still didn’t resolve things and so here I am now finally trying to deal with it. Sigh 😔

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Yes, I think that's what happens when we don't deal with things, they pile on until we're in a pickle, and we wonder how we got there. Sorry to hear. I know one of the forum members talks about having regular check-ins with their gp, and has been doing so for years. What a great idea. We take our car for a regular service, imagine if we did the same for ourselves. I think it's great that you've recognised you need some help and you've come back here and also planned to see your specialists. Depression can be so demotivating, so good on you.

[SarahZ]

Hello Portia18,

Thank you for taking the time to respond and giving us a better idea of what you have been going through. It must be really hard trying to push through each obstacle with a breath and doing it all over again. I can imagine overtime it would feel exceptionally defeating, tiring, and just plain right exhausting. Although it seems like a hard relentless journey I think it's really inspiring to see you trying to face things head on and tackle some of those issues now. Just know you have the entire community here to support you and listen to you. It's really great to hear that you have booked in to see your psychologist and GP soon. Hopefully all goes well.

Wishing you the very best ~