It's like being two people

[Clues_Of_Blue]

First of all, greetings. I've looked at the forums several times here, but this is the first time I've posted. I guess I decided to this time because I am no longer so far gone I can't manage to talk to people, but I still have a fight on my hands with my depression and kind of want to compare my experience with that of others. I know plenty of depressed people, but I also know my own personality and experience with it has differed somewhat from theirs, and a wider pool of people might yield a few that have had a similar run with it to myself. Perchance you know something I don't about dealing with it, or perhaps I know something you can use.

I know a lot of people get lost in the pressing immediacy of depression and can't always recognise it for what it is, when it's happening. It hasn't been like that for me. I've always been been big on self-reflection and have a thoroughly comprehensive knowledge of myself (allowing for the fact there's always more to learn), and am someone who can step outside what is happening and analyse it. There's kind of a two-track process to my depressive episodes: my mind is perfectly functional and alert, and knows exactly what's going on, but my emotions are screaming and crying and flailing their proverbial arms. My body is caught in the middle, usually trying to keep functioning whilst very tired and fighting the urge to curl up and have a little cry, and my mind is left like a captain with a profoundly harried lieutenant trying to bring into line a boatload of underlings who just aren't competent enough to carry out an order.

In many ways it's best that I have my mental faculties in order, but it's stupidly frustrating, even whilst going through it, knowing my emotions are completely out of proportion and that very little of what they're up to is matching up with my cognitive processing of a given situation. By which I mean I've bullied myself into doing what I had to in order to eliminate the things keeping me in the state I was in, but though they're less frequent I still have these bouts of acute depression for no real reason. Before, A+B=C, now I've changed things for the better A+B=Z, and I don't care for it at all. I guess it's kind of an inertia, the effects of everything I've had to deal with are still rolling along though the problem itself is largely resolved. It really is like being two people, sometimes. Do any of you find it like this?

[geoff]

hi Blue Circles, a good post if I'm allowed to say, and everybody who has depression all have different personalities, with different experiences and different issues to deal with, but there are times when a person won't accept that they have depression, so they are in denial, creating a real problem for those around them wanting this person to get help.
Your mind that you feel is fully functional is overtaken by your emotions, that is your screaming, crying and wanting to fight can finally give up to this illness, and if you believe that you have your 'mental faculties in order' could well be that it's being in denial.
It is true that a person can have two minds is possible, because at one moment you're fine but then you have depression for no explained reason, and this can happen when we have a relapse, and feel disappointed when this does happen, but we can never stop depression, no matter well you're done in counselling and taking medication, because you could be coping very well, but then we fall once more. Geoff.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hi Geoff, and thanks for answering. I have to query, in what way do you think I'm in denial? I'm well aware I have depression. When I say I have my mental faculties in order, I mean I'm thinking clearly and not mired in the sort of thinking that comes with the feelings of depression (i.e. "I'm a failure, my life is rubbish, everything's going wrong, no-one loves me, etc."). The person I knew myself to be before depression is still present in how I think - my self-worth, my logic, my analysis and reasoning about a given situation - but my emotions are still skipping off independently with that sort of "we're all doomed" gut reaction at dreadfully inappropriate moments. So obviously I still have some work to do, to find out why that's happening and what I can do about it. Believe me, I'm not the type to pretend nothing's wrong and let my problems rampantly create a mess for those around me. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here. Mainly I wanted to know if anyone here experienced it the same way I have, and if they have any useful insights into how to work through it.

[ahw309]

Hi Blue's Clues,

I have been through periods of depression before where I have been consumed by the thoughts and feelings that come with this mental illness. In the past the thoughts of how I am worthless, a failure, everyone is better off without me, etc. were on constant replay, but now they're not. More recently, I have learnt more about depression, and I'm able to relate to what you're saying about it feeling like you are two people. I am also quite introspective and my mind is constantly in conflict with my emotions - my mind is perfectly functional in the sense that I am able to fully recognise my feelings are false and not what I actually believe, but have them anyway. It's very frustrating! I do think most people who go through depression knowing they are depressed have some level of this conflict though, you may just have more because of your high level of self awareness.

I'm not sure if what I have explained is what you meant in your post, but I hope it made some sense, and I'm so sorry that I don't have advice to give. I hope that this is what you meant, and if it is, you are not alone!

Best wishes and take care!

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hi ahw309,

I really appreciate your post. Maybe you don't have immediate advice to give, but your understanding of what I'm dealing with is spot on, and it's quite a relief to see someone following my train of thought and having experienced it too. Even in my worst periods of depression I've always known it for what it was, and my mind was always off to the side chiding my emotions for losing their grip on cause and effect and trying to wrestle them back into functioning properly. That level of conflict in me is huge, and you bet it's incredibly frustrating. Glad to hear you're having some success overcoming the sort of thoughts that come with depression and don't really believe the negative messages they were feeding you. Even with feelings going stupid, being able to call them out for being false (and tricksy) is the most valuable tool in fighting them off. Thanks again for sharing.

[geoff]

hi Blue Circles, I was rather referring to your comment 'people get lost in the pressing immediacy of depression and can't always recognise it for what it is' and when this does happen then people could be denying that they have depression, because they can't recognise this illness so they take it as being sad all the time.
I'm not sure that if you know that when you have depression that you have your facilities are in order nor that you can think clearly with logical thinking, because 'we're all doomed' isn't a clear logical thought. Geoff.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Thanks for clarifying, Geoff, and yeah, that can be a pretty good sign of denial. I'll clarify my bit, too. When I mentioned the "we're all doomed" gut reaction, I meant that's what I'm feeling at the time, and definitely not what I'm thinking. Say a social engagement I tried to plan falls through. I could be thinking "okay, my friend's busy, I'll see him tomorrow" but at the same time I'm feeling like he doesn't care about me and doesn't want to see me or whatever, even though I know it isn't true, I don't at all think it's true and I'm there looking at the feeling as it's happening, knowing it doesn't make any sense at all. But no amount of knowing my friend's a good guy or that there genuinely isn't a problem between us makes me feel any better and my logic can't shut that down. That's what I'm living with on and off every day, knowing the positives and the solutions for my problems and the steps to get there, knowing I'm capable of it, and even as I plan and implement those things and see the results, and my mind says to me "that went well, nice work", the whole time I feel bloody awful. My thoughts and my emotions are frequently on opposite ends of the spectrum.